Little Old Ladies of My Dreams

 Little Old Ladies of My Dreams
Then and Now

Ever since I was a kid back in the black and white 50's, sexual fantasies have been as much a part of my life as insecurity, Coca-Cola, and being shitty in sports. Over the years, however, the objects of my mighty mental desires have changed every bit as much as the times. 

I used to lie on the carpet as a child in the family den and rub myself whenever Sally Starr - the somewhat chesty blonde cowgirl who showed Popeye cartoons and the Three Stooges -  appeared on screen. I didn't know exactly what was going on but I was constantly begging my mother to serve me spinach in volumes vastly beyond those ever envisioned for the average American boy by the sailor man's creators.

Or, for that matter, by Moe, Larry, and Curly either.  


From Ms. Starr I progressed to a steady succession of actresses (as well as choice classmates, office mates, and elite composites) usually aged, as I aged, in their 20's, 30's, and 40's.  But nowadays in springtime, summer, winter, and fall this not-so-young man's fancy  --- and fantasies --- have turned  to those women whom I (tongue-very-much-in-their cheeks) refer to as the 

                Little Old Ladies of My Dreams!

those actresses on the far side of 60 who can still send me to the den floor with the best of 'em! A sampling of these sexy over-sixties includes:

Karen Allen - age 65
Adrienne Barbeau - age 72
Kathryn Bigelow - age 65
Gates McFadden - age 68
Susan Sarandon - age 70 

But how do I mentally project myself into the amorous embraces of the Little Old Ladies of My Dreams?  Well ...

Gates McFadden, age 68  - we meet at a Star Trek  convention when I obtain her autograph in a moment when everyone else in the place is deluging William Shatner.          
                               
"Thank you, Ms. McFadden.  You know, you were always my favorite Star Trek doctor.  After DeForest Kelley, that is."

"Then I was your second favorite?"

"Yes, but a close second. And I always thought you were hotter than Bones!"

"Thank you. May I buy you a drink? I find you a very attractive man about my age."

"Great! And later I'd like to boldly go where no man has ever gone before!" 

"I can't say that would exactly be true."

"That's okay!  I'm not a Star Trek purist!"

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Kathryn Bigelow, age 65 - We meet in a bar in Philadelphia where she is directing a film. 

"Why, you're director Kathryn Bigelow! I'm a great admirer of your work!"

"Thank you very much."

"One day I might even see one of your movies."

"May I buy you a drink?  I find you a very attractive man about my age."

"Thank you. You know I'm not at all like your ex-husband James Cameron."

"You mean that you're not a jerk?"

"No, I mean I'm Jewish. The word Titanic will never be used as an apt descriptor for any part of me!"

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Susan Sarandon, age 70 -  We meet when I spot her leaving the theater on the streets of New York City.

"Ms. Sarandon? I really liked you in Bull Durham!"

"Thank you, but I thought Kevin Costner was the one who made that movie."

"I didn't find him as fetching as you in the bathtub scene."

"May I buy you a drink?  I find you a very attractive man about my age."

"You find me a very attractive man?"

"Yes!"

"About your age?" 

"Yes!"

"Like to buy me a drink, would you?"

"I would indeed!" 

"Well, instead of that, Ms. Sarandon, there's something else you can do for me."

"What's that?"

"You can fuck yourself!  Thanks for not supporting Clinton!"


(Sometimes I love my country more than the Little Old Ladies of My Dreams.) 

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Note: The two additional Little Old Ladies of My Dreams above are Adrienne Barbeau and Karen Allen. Boy, would I love to spend an evening drinking tea and knitting sweaters with either one of them!

Indiana Jones and the Lost Café at Borders

With many of us eagerly awaiting the return of Harrison Ford as Han Solo in the upcoming Star Wars sequel, some have come to wonder if we'll ever see Harrison Ford again in his other great iconic film role. Well, who knows?Here's a taste of what such a movie might be like as Harrison Ford once again essays the role of Indiana Jones in ... 

Indiana Jones and the Lost Cafe at Borders! 

As Indiana Jones wraps up a class he is teaching at Marshall College, his friend and colleague Marcus Brody approaches him.

Marcus:   I see you’re back none the worse for wear, Indiana.  I hear your latest escapade is being referred to as Indiana Jones and the Lost Car Keys of Murray Blitzstein.

Indy:  Yes, Marcus, the keys had been missing for almost three days.  The Nazis were already there at Blitzstein’s home jumping at the chance to steal a Studebaker from a member of the Jewish faith, and I had to tangle with Belloq in the kitchen and the hall bath to find them.

Marcus:  How did you locate the keys, Indy?

Indy: In the morning rays of the sun at precisely 5:42 A.M., I saw the glint of the keys in the left back pocket of Blitzstein’s seersucker suit pants.  He had accidentally placed them there, normally being a front right pocket man.

Marcus:  Brilliant, as usual, Indiana.  Did you restore the keys to Mr. Blitzstein?

Indy:  No, Marcus, the Lost Car Keys of Murray Blitzstein belong in a museum. Blitzstein will have to buy himself an Edsel.

Marcus:  Indy, there’s another important matter I need to discuss with you.  Have you ever heard of Borders?

Indy:  Indeed.  It was a book store, a chain of book stores, which proliferated in North America prior to the rise of the Amazons.  The fossil record is unclear, but we believe they were destroyed either by a natural catastrophe, climate change, or some woman named E.L. James.

Marcus:  That's right, Indiana.  And what we have learned is that inside each Borders was a hidden sanctuary called a café where people drank coffee and lattes, ate muffins and scones, and thought and talked about intelligent things, like would Henry David Thoreau have written more about throwing up in Walden Pond had he hung out with Charles Bukowski.

Indy:  But what does this have to do with me?

Marcus:  Legend has it that the awesome power that gave rise to this intellectual conversation was in the scones! Your old friend Belloq is intent on being the first to discover the Lost Café at Borders, acquire the wisdom of the scones, and use it to clone Hitler, but this time with a much better mustache!

We next see a map plotting Indy’s route by car from Marshall College in Western PA to Bala-Cynwyd PA where one of the Borders is reputed to have been located. The route stops in Altoona PA where Indy purchases a Slurpee from Seven Eleven and then proceeds to Bala-Cynwyd.

Sallah:  Indy!  I knew you’d be here.  Look, Belloq’s got full excavation going already! And Marion’s here now too.

Indy:  Marion?  Belloq?

Sallah: No, that’s two people, Indy, one named Marion and one named Belloq. Not Marion Belloq.

Indy: What do you know about the Lost Café at Borders, Sallah?

Sallah:  I know one thing.  They are digging in the wrong place!

Indy:  How can you tell?

Sallah:  See the two Starbucks Coffee Shops 100 yards apart from each other?  I believe the book store was called Borders because it was usually bordered on both sides by a Starbucks.  Belloq, the fool, is digging by the Bed, Bath, & Beyond!

Digging a make-shift shaft, Indy lowers himself down into the inner chamber of the ruins of Borders.

Sallah:  Indy!  What do you see?

Indy:  Books everywhere!  Magazines.  CDs of all kinds!  This would be a great place to browse on a Saturday afternoon!  Make a note of that.

Sallah: Any snakes down there?

Indy:  Just Belloq.  And he’s got Marion!

Belloq:  Hello, Dr. Jones.  I was in one of the two Starbucks 100 yards apart trying to get Marion drunk on espresso when I heard you underfoot and knew where to dig.  And I’ve got the intellectual scones too!

Marion:  Indy, if he eats one, he’ll be able to make another Hitler, this one with a mustache even bigger than Stalin’s!

Belloq:  Soon, Dr. Jones, you will see that I have acquired all the wisdom of the Lost Café at Borders!

Belloq brings a dry scone to his mouth and makes a face.

Belloq:  I think I’d rather open a lost ark.

Indy:  You think that thing’s dry now, you should have had one when it was fresh!

Belloq eats the scone.   

Belloq:  Yes, I feel the power of the scones coming over me now, Jones!  Sweeping over every pore of my body!  It’s beautiful!

Marion: Kind of predictable, isn’t he?

Belloq:  Now … If you get your Borders ticket punched five times, you will get a free latte in the cafe! All Joni Mitchell records 50% off with purchase of a cappuccino! Buy three dry scones and take 25% off Jonathan Franzen’s latest book! What is this?  This isn’t the wisdom of the Lost Café at Borders!

Indy:  No, but it is the wisdom of managing the Lost Café at Borders.

Belloq:  And we have the finest Judaica section in Bala-Cynwyd too!  Every book by Elie Wiesel!! And don’t forget Schindler’s List in videos!!!

Belloq screams, shrieks something about free wrapping in the mezzanine, and thereupon his head gruesomely explodes.

Marion: Shall we take a look at some of the books here before we leave, Indy?  Maybe one by E.L. James?

Indy:  No, I think we’ve done enough with anachronisms already today, Marion.

Marion: Where to next, Indy?  

Indy:  Off to discuss the next Indiana Jones sequel with Steven Spielberg.   I’d like to get it wrapped before I’m 80.

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