Incredible! I just got invited to a last minute party at Farbman’s house and if I’m going to go, I've got to get ready. I need some advice fast!
Okay, I’m going to bring in my panel of experts:
With me is Senior Perry Adviser Dana Bash, Perry Historian Gloria Borger, Adviser to Four Presidents and to Perry David Gergen, Neurosis Analyst John King, Self-Deprecation Strategist Van Jones, and Trump Supporter and General Prevaricator Jeffrey Lord.”
"Dana, I'll start with you. Should I go to this party?
"Perry, I've been around this town a long time, and I’ve learned when someone is as far down in the popularity polls as you are the best move is to hit a party. But this time, try not to spill your drink all over the host!"
“I would agree you should not spill all over the host as you have frequently done in the past. And don't throw up all over the host as you have also frequently done in the past!”
“You're in trouble, Perry Block! The most recent Quinnipiac poll shows that you have an approval rating of 13%."
"Is that bad, Gloria?"
"Put it this way: your approval rating makes Donald Trump look like Tom Hanks."
“All right, let me ask you, David Gergen: assuming I go to the party, should I bring a bottle of wine or is Entenman's crumb cake good enough?"
“I think you’d be absolutely fine with the Entenmann’s crumb cake. Both Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton always brought crumb cake to parties while Richard Nixon favored Twinkies, and we all know what happened to him.”
“Do you agree, John King?”
“No, I don’t. As you may recall, Dana Bash and I were once married, but we broke up because I always wanted to bring Entenmann's, she argued for Beaujolais. That and the terrible sex.”
“You’ve been known to like a good bottle of wine, Van Jones. Can I get away with something under ten dollars?”
“Well, that depends. Do you want to be viewed as a jerk who brings to a nice party cheap shit wine that makes Listerine taste like Dom Perignon, or do you want to ever be invited anywhere again?”
“Invited anywhere again. Any recommendation as a good wine to bring? Gloria Borger?”
“Spend at least $25 and don’t get Chardonnay. It screams I’m a douche bag!”
“I completely agree with that.”
“Don’t get Chardonnay?”
“No. You are a douche bag!”
“One more issue to discuss: Does the panel think I have a shot to meet a woman at the party who takes a hankering to me who’s around 50 and still hot?"
“In all my years of observing you, Perry, I can pretty well conclude the answer is no.”
“I agree. Nothing in your history would support that.”
“Jeffrey Lord, haven’t heard from you yet tonight. Do I have a chance to score?”
“Allow me to be a contrarian here. I think it's a certainty you will meet a hot early-fiftyish woman with large breasts who’s going to be very interested in having sex with you later tonight.”
“Jeffrey Lord, you really think that?”
“But as a Trump supporter, you lie all the time.”