Thursday, June 22, 2017

There was a Crooked Man & Other Ailments of Boomer Life




Last week I sat down and made a list of all my current health challenges.

Sexual dysfunction didn't even crack the Top Ten.

The health issues we Boomers face as we age are nature’s way of telling us it's a little late to do Europe on a motorcycle. What constitutes an exciting summer now is being able to say to your neighbor "look how good the hydrangeas came in this year!" 

Would you like to compare my list with yours?

There was a Crooked Man

My back was recently voted the East Coast's Answer to  Lombard Street in San Francisco.  The only difference between my back and Lombard Street - the crookedest street in America - is pedestrian foot traffic.

I went to see my orthopedic doctor Dr. Simpkin and asked him if it was possible to straighten my back.  Dr. Simpkin thanked me for the laugh.

"Straighten your spine?  So you can have excellent posture in your coffin?"

Got to love a doc with bedside manner.

Something Inside Starts Burning

That something inside is reflux, which catapults my esophagus into the state of global warming our descendants are expected to experience in the years Star Trek is supposed to take place.

With medicines known as proton pump inhibitors, I can out eat Anthony Bourdain on his best day in his most exotic land.

But should I forget to take them, it's the Great Chicago Fire all over again and even Spiderman can't save my thoracic cavity.

Vitiligo Whoah-Oh 

No, Vitiligo is not a hit song by the late Dean Martin. It is a hit to the skin by a disease that turns it to a blotchy white.

And no, Blotchy White is not a Catskill comic, but an apt descriptor for my hands, arms, and neck. 

That's just what this liberal needed: a disease to make me look more white. 

I've Looked at Clouds from Both Sides Now

I've looked at floaters from both sides now, and frankly I don't like either side.

Floaters are "inkspots" floating like dark clouds in front of my eyes. If I look quickly out of the left side of my eye, it looks like the Grim Reaper is sneaking up on me. 

Which he is.  I sure hope the floaters float away before I do.   

My Analyst Told Me That I Was Right Out of My Head - Don't ask. 


And that's what life is like for this Boomer these days, with help from Joni Mitchell, Linda Ronstadt, and Dean Martin.

How about you, fellow Boomer? What's on your list?

What's that?  

You're doing Europe on a motorcycle this summer? 

Well, wait til you see my hydrangeas!

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2 comments:

Unknown said...

I have noticed that when I'm in a room with a group of elderly Boomers (like yourself) the conversation turns to ailments quicker than a cat can lick it's ass. Each decrepit Boomer tries to outdo the others, battling for bragging rights on who is in worse health.

Some go into excruciating detail about their intestinal problems. I make up some excuse to keep from shaking hands with those people. Next, they start on their prescription list to see who takes the most pills and can still drive without killing the pedestrians on the sidewalk.

It gets so depressing listening to them jabber. I just turn off my hearing aids and lay down for a nap.

Perry Block said...

I'm sure I take more pills than you, have more intestinal problems, and probably don't lick a cat's ass as well either. And if you turn down your hearing aid, I'll just jabber louder!