Thursday, June 22, 2017

There was a Crooked Man & Other Ailments of Boomer Life

As an Aging Boomer, I realize I'm never again going to do Europe on a motorcycle over the summer.

That wouldn't be so bad if I had ever done Europe on a motorcycle over any summer. For me an exciting summer is having the opportunity to remark to the gardener "gee, the hydrangeas really came in good this year." 

As an aging Boomer, last week I sat down and made a list of all the health challenges I'm facing these days.  Sexual dysfunction didn't even crack the Top Ten.

Here's a few of the challenges that did show up on the list:

There was a Crooked Man

Recently my back was voted the East Coast's No. 1 Attraction to Equal Lombard Street in San Francisco.  Lombard Street is known as San Francisco's crookedest street and perhaps the most crooked street in the world.

I'm thinking of building a Comfort Inn to accommodate all the tourists.

Recently I went to see my orthopedic doctor Dr. Kropotkin and asked him if it was possible to straighten my back. 

After about a minute and a half, Dr. Kropotkin thanked me for the laugh.

"Straighten your spine? For what? So you can have excellent posture in your coffin?"

A master of bedside manner, he ain't.

Something Inside Starts Burning

That something inside is reflux, which catapults my esophagus into the stage of global warming our ancestors will experience in the years Star Trek is supposed to take place.

Fortunately there are medicines known as proton pump inhibitors which totally handle the problem to the degree that I can out eat Anthony Bourdain on his best day in his most exotic land.

But if I should forget to take my medicine, my chest returns to five alarm fire status for which you'd need Spiderman to save any innocent tourist who happens to be taking selfies at the time in front of my spine.

Vitiligo Whoah-Oh 

Vitiligo  is not a hit song by the late Dean Martin but a hit to the skin by a disease that turns some of it so white that you come to resemble 1/4 to 1/2 of rock star Johnny Winter, but since he's dead, I'll revise that to say 1/4 to 1/2 of his brother Edgar Winter.

My forehead now has a mark on it which makes me look like I'm observing Ash Wednesday which has  Rabbi Debbie King eyeing me nervously every time I run into her, especially on the High Holy Days.

Vitiligo Whoah-Oh?  Shut the fuck up, Dean! 

I've Looked at Clouds from Both Sides Now

I've looked at floaters from both sides now, and frankly I don't like either side.

Floaters are black blotches floating like dark clouds right in front of my eyes. They can be annoying, but sometimes I don't see them.  If I look quickly out of the left side of my eye, it looks like the Grim Reaper is sneaking up on me. 

Which he is.  Which makes me hope the floaters will all float away before I do.   

My Analyst Told Me That I Was Right Out of My Head - Don't ask. 

And that's what life is like for this Boomer these days.  How about you, fellow Boomer? Do you have a similar list?

Ah-hah.  Let's look:  a hangnail,  small amount of plaque,  split ends? That's it?

What's that?  

You're doing Europe on a motorcycle this summer? 

Well, wait til you see my hydrangeas!



Russell Gayer said...

I have noticed that when I'm in a room with a group of elderly Boomers (like yourself) the conversation turns to ailments quicker than a cat can lick it's ass. Each decrepit Boomer tries to outdo the others, battling for bragging rights on who is in worse health.

Some go into excruciating detail about their intestinal problems. I make up some excuse to keep from shaking hands with those people. Next, they start on their prescription list to see who takes the most pills and can still drive without killing the pedestrians on the sidewalk.

It gets so depressing listening to them jabber. I just turn off my hearing aids and lay down for a nap.

Perry Block said...

I'm sure I take more pills than you, have more intestinal problems, and probably don't lick a cat's ass as well either. And if you turn down your hearing aid, I'll just jabber louder!