Thursday, June 22, 2017

There was a Crooked Man & Other Ailments of Boomer Life

Last week I sat down and made a list of all my current health challenges.

Sexual dysfunction didn't even crack the Top Ten.

As we Boomers age, we acquire health issues not to be believed just a few years before. It’s nature’s way of telling us:

Forget about Europe on a motorcycle, dude, an exciting summer for you is noting that the hydrangeas came in really good this year. 

Here’s a sneak peek at my list, as if anyone cares to sneak peek it

There was a Crooked Man

Recently my back was voted the East Coast's No. 1 Attraction to Equal Lombard Street in San Francisco.  Lombard Street is known as San Francisco's crookedest street and perhaps the most crooked street in the world.

I went to see my orthopedic doctor Dr. Simpkin and asked him if it was possible to straighten my back. 

Dr. Kropotkin thanked me for the laugh.

"Straighten your spine? For what? So you can have excellent posture in your coffin?"

Always a master of bedside manner!

Something Inside Starts Burning

That something inside is reflux, which catapults my esophagus into the stage of global warming our ancestors will experience in the years Star Trek takes place.

There are medicines known as proton pump inhibitors which handle the problem so well that I can out eat slacker Anthony Bourdain on his best day in his most exotic land!

But should I forget to take my PPI, my chest turns into a five alarm fire for which you'd need Spider Man to save any innocent tourists lodged in my digestive tract.

Vitiligo Whoah-Oh 

No, Vitiligo  is not a hit song by the late Dean Martin but a hit to the skin by a disease that turns it to a blotchy white.

And no, Blotchy White is not a Catskill comic, but an apt descriptor for my hands, arms, and neck. I've also got a mark on my forehead which makes it look like I'm observing Ash Wednesday, which makes my rabbi very nervous.

That's just what this liberal needed: a disease to make me look more white. 

I've Looked at Clouds from Both Sides Now

I've looked at floaters from both sides now, and frankly I don't like either side.

Floaters are virtual inkspots floating like dark clouds right in front of my eyes. Sometimes I don't see them, but if I look quickly out of the left side of my eye, it looks like the Grim Reaper is sneaking up on me. 

Which he is.  Which makes me hope the floaters will all float away before I do.   

My Analyst Told Me That I Was Right Out of My Head - Don't ask. 

And that's what life is like for this Boomer these days, with help from Joni Mitchell, Linda Ronstadt, and Dean Martin.

How about you, fellow Boomer? Do you have a similar list?

What's that?  

You're doing Europe on a motorcycle this summer? 

Well, wait til you see my hydrangeas!



Russell Gayer said...

I have noticed that when I'm in a room with a group of elderly Boomers (like yourself) the conversation turns to ailments quicker than a cat can lick it's ass. Each decrepit Boomer tries to outdo the others, battling for bragging rights on who is in worse health.

Some go into excruciating detail about their intestinal problems. I make up some excuse to keep from shaking hands with those people. Next, they start on their prescription list to see who takes the most pills and can still drive without killing the pedestrians on the sidewalk.

It gets so depressing listening to them jabber. I just turn off my hearing aids and lay down for a nap.

Perry Block said...

I'm sure I take more pills than you, have more intestinal problems, and probably don't lick a cat's ass as well either. And if you turn down your hearing aid, I'll just jabber louder!