Monday, January 4, 2016

Bummed Out Boomers Meetup Group

Decidedly Not The Bummed Out Boomers Meetup Group

It's not easy for folks on the far side of 60 to find places to meet fellow Boomers who share a similar perspective, especially when that perspective, as in my case, is aging angst and disgruntlement. 

So I was very intrigued when I saw the following notice on Craig's List:

Bummed Out Boomers Meetup Group
   A social and support group for incessant whiners
  about getting older.
All forms of bad attitudes welcome.

Well, this looked just right for me --- an entire roomful of inconsolably aging Boomers who feel that griping about the inevitable will somehow set off a Twilight Zone style reaction that will render us 19 again. So I combed my retreating hairs, braved a glance in the mirror, and set out for the Bummed Out Boomers Meetup Group. 

"Welcome to our sad little group," said the Boomer at the front door. "I'm Matthew; that'll be $10 admittance but if you're really bummed out I'll cut it to 5."

"I'll take the $5," I replied. "I've been traumatized lately by over exposure to those commercials in which people allegedly our age look more like octogenarians scoping out their next prune juice fix."

Forking over the five bucks, I strode through a room packed with nervous, disconsolate, and hyper hand-wringing Baby Boomers. At the bar I noticed a somewhat wrinkled but thoroughly palatable appearing women staring into her drink. She wasn't great looking, but her face wouldn't stop any watches either. 

Not a Swiss watch anyway.

"Hi, I couldn't help noticing you looking miserable," I said. "I'm Perry."

"Oh, hello, Perry, I'm Sandra.  It sucks being this old, doesn't it."

Amazing! I thought. I've found my soul mate!

"You're right, Sandra," I muttered. "I'm distraught too."

"I used to be so cute," Sandra went on, "I had one of those adorably upturned mouths like a young Meg Ryan."

Sadly, about all that remained in evidence of a young Meg Ryan mouth was teeth.

"I was very cute as well," I replied. "I had really long hair and a very creditable left profile." 

"No offense, Perry," she sniffed, "but I think I was probably a little cuter. I had perfect dimples."

"Oh yeah? Well I managed significant cuteness without dimples!"

Just like that, Sandra and I were in a full-fledged "Cute-Off!"  And I was not about to lose.

"The only way you could make that nose cute is to let a lumberjack with a chainsaw loose on it," Sandra snorted.

"Oh yeah?" I fired back, "I'll bet you had beautiful eyes back then, especially when the person you were with had theirs firmly shut!"  

Cuteness point mine.

It was at that moment that a new Boomer entered the room. He was different than the others. He was smiling. He looked happy with himself and with life.

"Hello, folks, I'm Alan Metzler, 67 years old."

"Hi, Alan," I said tentatively.

"Folks, you've got Boomerdom all wrong. Embrace your age and enjoy life. This is such a wonderful world to be a part of." 

"You know ... he's right," I said. "Why waste time worrying about getting older when we can adopt a positive attitude and live life to the fullest?"

Everyone in the room fell silent. A few looked down at their feet, a couple nodded their heads. Sandra gave me a little smile and then poked me in the arm. 

"Let's throw them both out!" cried Matthew to the cheers of all present.

Out on the curb together I bid Alan goodbye, and off he went to buy Girl Scout cookies and commune with the spirit of Dr. Norman Vincent Peale. As for me, I made it back inside the meetup and finally hooked up with Sandra. 

We may both be Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute, but with the "Cute-off" a draw and aging angst at bay, it really didn't matter at all. 



Russell said...

A very impressive "cute-off," Perry. I hope you did everything you wanted to on the first date. At your age, there might not be a second.

Perry Block said...

You may realize, Russell, that this is a history-making post (although not a funny one, according to the unanimous response of the vox populi, which has been way more vox than populi). I actually score for the first time amongst a sea of rejections! I thought it was time at long last for the character to win a bit, and what better place to win than in a meeting for losers?

Russell said...

You rascal you. I hope I'm that wild and impetuous when I reach your age.

Perry Block said...

Under my wise tutelage for being wild and impetuous, you will be. Or at least you'll know a lot of words