Friday, January 15, 2016

But What The Heck Is It Called (Part II)

By now you know this is called the philtrum
 It's how you learned that word that is our topic for today.

Almost each and every day in every aspect of our lives we encounter certain things and certain behaviors with which we are oh-so-familiar. We've been doing 'em, partaking of 'em, and annoyed as hell by 'em almost from birth. 

But what the heck are they called? 

1) Contractors Never Showing UP 

At some time or other we've all hired a contractor to do work at our homes. Perhaps he or she has been hired to do some small repairs, a bit of painting, or even add a mighty deck to your humble abode.  Now comes the appointed date and time for the contractor to commence the work.

Do you know where your contractor is?

I've had contractors by their absence stretch out jobs that should have taken minutes into entire life cycles. I've had contractors fail to show as planned and never be heard from again. I believe there is a "Bermuda TriContractor" into which contractors regularly vanish which looks something like this*:

  Contractor’s Home _________________  Your Home
                         \                                    /
                          \                                 /
                           \                               /
                            \                            /
                             \                          /
                              \                        /
                               \                      /
                                \                    /
                                 \                  /
                                  \                /
                                   \              /
                                    \            /     
                                     \          /  
                                      \        /                              
                          Contractor’s Other Clients

A contractor missing in action is something with which we are all familiar. It must have a name.

But what the heck is it called? 

2)  The Rite by Which You Learned the Word "Philtrum"

By now, you know that the odd indentation between the bottom of your nose and the top of your mouth is called a philtrum. You know this because relatively late in life you happened to chance upon a person with an indentation so pronounced that he could store enough grain within its confines to get him through a particularly virulent winter.

This prompted you to stick your index finger into you own such indentation and feel it thoughtfully, hoping it was not large enough to store grain for even a mild winter and also wondering how you were 37 years old and didn't even know the name of a facial feature that was as much a part of your face as your eyes, nose, and mouth!

This time-honored rite of learning the word "philtrum" is common to all of humanity. It must have a name.

But what the heck is it called? 

3) The Hand Wave/Scratch

I've written about this before. You wave at someone you think you know, determine thereafter that that he or she is a total stranger, and then feel as embarrassed as the person who finds he has mustard on his face just after addressing a session of the U.N. General Assembly.

It doesn’t matter if you are President of the United States or just an ordinary schlub like you and me. How to save the moment?

You take your hand, still aloft from the initial wave, and scratch the top of your head.  True, it is an imperfect fix to the situation, but it is the best that humankind has devised in all the history of recorded time. Of course the other person in truth is paying absolutely no attention to you at all because to him you are just an ordinary schlub, whether you are just an ordinary schlub like you and me or the President of the United States.

This maneuver is one you have executed more times than you’d care to remember.  It must have a name.

But what the heck is it called? 

4) The Dopey Humor Blog Post

You see them all the time on the internet, especially here in this blog. Silly posts essentially about nothing at all but padded out to a respectable 500 words or so such that even though they are not at all funny they present the "trappings" of funny.  A total waste of everyone's time.

They must have a name. 

But what the heck are they called?

Blog Filler.

This one we knew.


*with apologies for lack of technical ability


Anonymous said... posted this at 6:51 pm. I responded to it at 6:21 pm. I know i know what that is. But what is the name for it?

Perry Block said...

I'd call it bloody weird!

Russell said...

In regards to #3, I've been known to substitute the "Middle-Finger Wave/Scratch" and even (in a pinch) "The Middle-Finger Nose Pick."

And don't forget the Dopey Humor Blog Post Intro, which I employ every week to distract people from my ridiculously stupid flash fiction stories.

Perry Block said...

The reason I didn't include the Dopey Humor Blog Post Intro is because it doesn't work to distract people from the ridiculously stupid flash fiction stories. People are not distracted from them at all. And many people - believe it or not - find the ridiculously stupid flash fiction stories funny. So go figure!

The nose picking always works great though.