Monday, March 2, 2015

Verdict: Brian Williams!

DATELINE L.A. FOR 
PEOPLE COOLER THAN YOU

A Shocking Lack of Credibility!

June 14, 2015 ....  Dateline L.A. for People Cooler than You has learned that NBC has completed a comprehensive investigation regarding  former NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams which has proven categorically that Mr. Williams has "misremembered" far more about his past than the incident in which he claimed to have been riding in a helicopter under fire in Iraq.

The NBC Investigation has revealed a staggering number of additional events Mr. Williams has "misremembered" including:
  • Upon birth, Mr. Williams immediately spoke French, German, and Czech, though his use of the idiom in Czech was so-so.
  • As quarterback of the high school football team,  Mr. Williams' mighty passing arm and expert play calling led his team to four straight undefeated seasons. With typical modesty, he credited the guys who "block on the line" and the scrawny equipment manager with making the sole difference that led to the championships.
  • As a political science major at George Washington University,  Mr. Williams developed the concepts of divided government, separation of Church and state, res ipsa loquitur, corpus juris secundum , veni vidi vici, and Pig Latin.  
  • Mr. Williams once threw himself on a live grenade to save a busload of children in Pakistan. That he was in New York at the time is notable.
  • At a convention of Supermodels in Las Vegas at which he spoke in July 2009, Mr. Williams made passionate love to over 14 such models,  all of whom were quoted as saying that not only did Mr. Williams make the earth move, he made it twerk.
  • Mr. Williams did in fact storm the Normany Beaches in France on June 6, 1944 by virtue of a time machine that he himself had fully conceived and single-handedly built in 2004.  He received both the Purple Heart and the Crayola Heart, which represents such valor it encompasses every color there is. 
  • Mr. Williams gives 100% of his income to charity and lives in a small cardboard box under US I-95

The key finding of the NBC Investigation is that at the very time as all these actual and fully verified events were taking place, Mr. Williams was stating to others that he had been shopping for dental picks at Walmart! 

Based upon the investigation, President of NBC News Deborah Turness has stated that "Mr. Williams' shocking lack of credibility in claiming to be in Walmart while actually performing world-class heroic feats is certainly cause for immediate termination, but I have decided instead to reassign him to the position of announcer on the Jimmy Fallon Show, where night after night he will have to pretend that Mr. Fallon is funny." 

Dateline L.A. for People Cooler than You thinks this is apt punishment indeed for this phony baloney!  And BTW, Brian, ummm, you got any numbers left over from that time in Vegas?

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4 comments:

Russell Gayer said...

You may be able to lie about somethings and get away with it, but there are too many witnesses at Walmart. If had indeed been there, someone would have posted a photo of him with his hot-pink hair, bright green tutu, and fishnet hose on "The People of Walmart" website.

Perry Block said...

Plus his extremely poor dental hygiene. How could he expect us to believe he was shopping for dental paraphenalia with all those books about the technology and science of time travel in his desk at NBC and those pictures of him with Winston Churchill? What a liar! Fire his ass!

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