Nah, who'd ever want to see this?
"Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen to the 25th Annual Men and Women in Local Television News, Weather, Sports, Traffic, and Goofy Little Supposedly Humorous Features Convention here in beautiful Orlando Florida! I'm your president, Bob Nessman.
I hope you'll all have a chance to go on Splash Mountain out at Disney World. The drop at the end isn't really all that bad, but you guys with toupees, hang on to your heads!
We're thrilled that the workshops we are able to offer you this year are bigger and better than ever. There's "Reporting Soft News," "Reporting Softer News," and "Reporting News so Soft It's Flaccid," among many, many others.
I'd like to take a few questions from our wonderful audience before we formally open the proceedings. Yes, you in the striped blue tie!
Good question! We get that one a lot. Ladies and gentlemen, the question is: Why Do You Never See An Attractive Female Weather Person on Television?
The weather forecast is a sacred trust that we in television take very seriously. We must ensure its integrity. As every TV station manager in the country realizes, an attractive well-dressed female would be a major distraction to the viewers at home, men focusing upon the female's face and figure and women upon her makeup, jewelry, and clothing and nobody upon the weather.
The results would be catastrophic!
Let's say a Nor'easter is coming tomorrow and you've watched weather with the attractive female weather person the night before. Consequently you go out the next day in Bermuda Shorts and wind up in Bermuda!
Or you need to know how to dress the children for the following day. But instead of watching Mel Blotstein's Five Day Forecast on Channel 9, you've tuned in to the attractive female weather person on Channel 14. The result: your children go to school bundled up for a blizzard and weather 6 degrees below zero and it's June 8 and they suffer heat stroke while playing color war!
And what if the female weather person is particularly shapely? Standing in front of a weather map, her ample bosom might block out Doppler Radar! Her firm buttocks could wipe the barometric pressure where you live completely off the map! Critical information lost!
Some surveys have even indicated that certain male members of the audience would be so significantly distracted by an attractive female weather person that they might imagine in their mind's eye having sexual relations with her!
Yes, sexual relations!!!
Think that such a guy will ever have an umbrella with him on a day it rains?
And that's why all weather persons will always be either middle-aged balding men with glasses or bad looking women with acne.
Another question, folks? Yes, over there, third row ... The question is: Isn't it unfair for attractive females to be discriminated against in this way?
No, of course not. Certain occupations are just no place for attractive females. Can you imagine an owner of a reputable restaurant hiring an attractive waitress? Not only would proper gustation be impossible, but a well-endowed server would constantly be poking diners with her large breasts right while they were trying to eat!
Yes, one last question. Yes, you with blue blouse ... Do I think we'll ever see changed thinking that would allow an attractive female to be hired as a weather person on television?
Well, let me put it this way:
The day an attractive female is hired as a weather person anywhere in the United States is the day CNN hires a gray-haired gay man and surrounds him with a bevy of smokin' hot babes and completely forgets about the news!
Does that answer it for ya?