Monday, May 12, 2014

Considering the Alternative

The Alternative

There's an old line you've probably heard about a person getting along in years complaining to his friend about his exasperation with the aging process.

"Don't you hate getting older too?" says he to the friend. 

"Not when I consider the Alternative!" says the friend.

I've always thought this was kind of stupid.   As if the Alternative isn't also gonna happen?!!!  As if you have a choice between aging forever and the Alternative!

Wait a minute  ... what if you did?


"Perry .... Perry .... Perry."

"Who said that?   Oh my God, it's a process server!"

"No, Perry, it's me.  The All-Knowing One." 


"Well, not exactly.  But rest assured, I'm on the team."

"What is this about, All-Knowing One?"

"Perry,  soon you'll  be required to decide:  Do you want to keep getting older for all time, or do you want the Alternative?"

"What's the Alternative, sir?"

"Let me put it this way:  Got yourself a bucket list yet?"

"Oh, that Alternative!   You mean ... you mean .... I can  choose between getting older and older and not dying  and the Alternative?"

"Yep, it's a special this month. Better jump on it!"

"Well,  I sure don't want the Alternative! Tell me , sir, how will I look as I get older?  Say when I'm over age 200?"

"You've seen Keith Richards?"


"If he married Larry King, their child."

"AHHH!!! Well, how do the women who are that age look?

"Their child."

"AHHHH!!! Aren't there any women in their 50's or 60's who will date a guy over 200?"

"Are you kidding?  They're all looking for guys in their 50's and 60's with loads of money who are headed for the Alternative!"

"Well, what would I do as I get older?"

"Ya like shuffleboard?  Horseshoes is popular too.   Then after the first 10,000 years or so, things slow down a bit."

"Slow down a bit?!   How much is slow down a bit?"

"To something like your typical Saturday night, Perry."

"AHHHHH!!!   Tell me, if I never die, what happens if ... say ... the Earth blows up?"

"You mean like in 3728 when every surviving non-Alternative Earthing becomes a slave of the Darquinians?"

"I ...I guess.  Say, All-Knowing One?"

"Yes, Perry?"

"What do Darquinian women look like?"


"All-Knowing One, I've made up my mind."

"Put you down for eternal life, Perry?

"Not when I consider the Alternative to the Alternative!"



Russell said...

Great string of dialogue, Perry. I used to be guilty of saving the phrase "It's better than the alternative" when discussing birthdays, but this leopard has changed his spots. If you're convinced you're going to a better place why wait around until you look like the offspring of Keith Richards and Larry King? But if you do decide to live forever, Perry, I know a couple of 90 year old chicks that would love to jump your rickety old bones.

Perry Block said...

I'm pretty much convinced I'll go to a worse place and look like the offspring of Keith Richards and Larry King to boot. Bring on the 90 year old babes; I might as well go out in a blaze of mediocrity!