Sunday, May 18, 2014

A Dog's Life

One thing is for sure:  She's no Emmett Slobozian!

There's little doubt why so many people like to own dogs.

Every dog on the planet - no matter species, breed, or size - thinks his master is the greatest, smartest, handsomest, most wonderful being ever to walk on all twos, no matter how far down the economic, social, or personal hygienic scale he or she actually is.

Take Napoleon, for example:  

"What a nice day for a walk!  I hope I get to sniff some female dog anus."

Hey, everyone, look at MY master!  I am owned by the greatest human on the planet, Emmett Slobozian!  Look at that great big beautiful protuberance in the middle of his body! See how he's drooling out of his mouth just like I do! don't you just love the way his hand is always in his pants?! 

Oh, most marvelous Emmett Slobozian!  Oh, most excellent Emmett Slobozian!  The stars were in perfect alignment when you became my master!


When he rubs me behind the ears, the earth moves!  When he gives me a dog yummy, my taste buds orgasm!   When he kicks me, he kicks me harder than David Beckham!

Ohhh!  Emmett Slobozian just said "Fuck, shit, piss!"  I don't know what it means, but I hear angels singing! 

Here comes that foxy cocker spaniel with the goofy looking owner.  Yumm,  nice butt!  And know what else ...  nice butt!  And did I mention ...  nice butt!!!

What an idiotic looking human she has for a master!  Long yellow hair, like an Irish Setter! Two big protuberances in her shirt instead of around her waste,  like my marvelous master. Look at those male humans looking at her, thinking how ridiculous she is.

Eat your heart out,  Ms. Cocker.  Emmett Slobozian's taken!

Ohhh!  Emmett Slobozian just said "I'd like to bang her silly!"  I don't know what it means, but I believe it comes from Shakespeare!  


Why, hello there, Ms. Cocker! ... sniff ... sniff ... sniff!!!   YUMMEEE!  Hah, what a couple of studs we are, Emmett Slobozian!  Me with this bitch and you with that hot mama you take out of the closet every night who is so captivated by you she doesn't speak or even move. 

Here we go, paws up top, I'm swinging for the record books! 

WOOF!  WOOF!  YES!  YES!  YES! ... WTF?!

What are you doing, Emmett Slobozian?  Pulling me away?!  Hey, Emmett Slobozian, stop!! I was sniffin' her!! I was just about to score!!  Stop  Pulling!!!  Where the hell are we going?!!!   Stop, Stop, Stop!!!  

You stupid douche-bag Emmett Slobozian!   You are the worst owner since Donald Sterling!

Okay.  Sniffin' a hydrant here ... sniffin' some dog turds there....

What a nice day for a walk!  I hope I get to sniff some female dog anus.

Hey everyone, look at MY master, Emmett Slobozian!"


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Russell said...

When I saw the photo of the blonde, I knew she'd make it into the story if given enough time. I can just hear her now, "Is that a banana in your pants, Mr. Slobozian, or are you just happy to see me?"

Perry Block said...

With Mr. Slobozian I think we're talking peanuts in his pants. And yes, I struggled mightily to include the blonde in the story. And otherwise much thanks to Napoleon and to you, Russell, for the comment.