Considering the Alternative

The Alternative

There's an old line you've probably heard about a person getting along in years complaining to his friend about his exasperation with the aging process.

"Don't you hate getting older too?" says he to the friend. 

"Not when I consider the Alternative!" says the friend.

I've always thought this was kind of stupid.   As if the Alternative isn't also gonna happen?!!!  As if you have a choice between aging forever and the Alternative!

Wait a minute  ... what if you did?

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Perry .... Perry .... Perry."

"Who said that?   Oh my God, it's a process server!"

"No, Perry, it's me.  The All-Knowing One." 

"God?"  

"Well, not exactly.  But rest assured, I'm on the team."

"What is this about, All-Knowing One?"

"Perry,  soon you'll  be required to decide:  Do you want to keep getting older for all time, or do you want the Alternative?"

"What's the Alternative, sir?"

"Let me put it this way:  Got yourself a bucket list yet?"

"Oh, that Alternative!   You mean ... you mean .... I can  choose between getting older and older and not dying  and the Alternative?"

"Yep, it's a special this month. Better jump on it!"

"Well,  I sure don't want the Alternative! Tell me , sir, how will I look as I get older?  Say when I'm over age 200?"

"You've seen Keith Richards?"

"Yes?"

"If he married Larry King, their child."

"AHHH!!! Well, how do the women who are that age look?

"Their child."

"AHHHH!!! Aren't there any women in their 50's or 60's who will date a guy over 200?"

"Are you kidding?  They're all looking for guys in their 50's and 60's with loads of money who are headed for the Alternative!"

"Well, what would I do as I get older?"

"Ya like shuffleboard?  Horseshoes is popular too.   Then after the first 10,000 years or so, things slow down a bit."

"Slow down a bit?!   How much is slow down a bit?"

"To something like your typical Saturday night, Perry."

"AHHHHH!!!   Tell me, if I never die, what happens if ... say ... the Earth blows up?"

"You mean like in 3728 when every surviving non-Alternative Earthing becomes a slave of the Darquinians?"

"I ...I guess.  Say, All-Knowing One?"

"Yes, Perry?"

"What do Darquinian women look like?"

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!"   

"All-Knowing One, I've made up my mind."

"Put you down for eternal life, Perry?

"Not when I consider the Alternative to the Alternative!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Despair!

Perry Block stumbled out of bed and made his way into the bathroom. 

Everything was getting so out of hand, he thought! 

He'd put on his slippers and robe to head to the bathroom and now everything was indeed out of his hands and on his body.

It was exactly 4:00 A.M Thursday morning.  Lingering for a moment in the bathroom, Perry paused to take a long hard look in the mirror.  He didn't like what he saw! 

There was a smudge on the mirror's lower left-hand corner.  He took a towel and wiped it off.  

Perry sat on the corner of the bed and thought of Angelique.  He knew she would soon be bidding him "goodbye" and "farewell." 

He'd told her he found her habit of saying "adios" extremely annoying, and she'd promised from now on she'd always say either "farewell" or "goodbye" instead.   

True, Angelique wasn't pretty.  She was gorgeous.  And yes, the two of them had gone through some serious sexual problems together.  But now that Angelique had gotten used to having fantastic sex with Perry 6 or 7 times a night, those problems had  faded away.

Perry's professional life had lately been fraught with emotional strife, gut-wrenching conflict, and a couple of horrific major disasters!

As a top Hollywood producer, his pictures covered a wide range of genres indeed, all of which had earned him millions of dollars.  In the last year alone his two disaster movies, Pee Wee's Big Poseidon Adventure and The Towering Wendy's, had been especially profitable.

The phone rang.  Perry picked up the receiver.

"Perry Block?"

"Yes, that's me."

"This is Death."

 Death!

Anguish.  Despondency.   Hopelessness.

"Perry," whimpered Death, "I am in anguish!  BTW, I'm despondent and hopeless too." 

"Why's that,  Death?" 

"Because you've beaten me! You'll never die."  

"You've got to get a hold of yourself, Death!" said Perry. "It isn't as if somebody didn't die.  Except me."

"Perry, would you --- kind of --- take me under your wing?"

Perry penciled Death in for a half hour appointment a week from Friday, right before he was scheduled to go snorkeling with Scarlett Johansson, and hung up.  

On the other end of the phone, Death felt reassured that he'd soon be seeing Perry Block.

At long last, his bitter despair began to lift.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~