I couldn't reach my 200th blog post without stopping to reflect on what the past two and a half years of blogging have meant to me. For me, writing a blog has been much like sex. Even though with my readership I'm almost always alone, I still manage to have fun!
From time to time those of you with no lives who read the blog for obscure reasons known only to your lonely selves have asked me a variety of questions. I usually ignore them because I simply can't be bothered with you, but today because I have no actual premise for this post and have just bombed out with my Dorian Gray and Gay NRA parodies, I thought I'd tackle a few.
How old is your avatar?
What gives you the idea it isn't current? Aside from the small almost indecipherable reference to Matthew Brady in the lower left hand corner?
My avatar is just eight years old, and later today I'm taking it for water ice and mini-golf. It was cropped from a larger picture taken on an epic hair day in perfect lighting from the optimal nose-minimizing angle after a full-night's rest and a satisfying meal on a day that there was very little trouble in the world and ... I was at Disney World.
And I still, more or less, look like crap.
What made you decide to start blogging?
Several years ago, I came to the realization that I had many unexpressed thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, desires, and aspirations. They are none of your damn business! So I thought I'd write me some schlock comedy.
Where do you get your ideas?
Mostly from China. I also import a smattering of ideas from several other Asian countries and a few from a real funny fat guy in Bolivia. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to source ideas from the United States, but frankly the concept-ship is shoddy and I've gotten zero customer service attempting to get help for an idea that isn't working.
Why a no-frills blog?
Well, it's easy to maintain, doesn't require expensive tune-ups, and you'll expect less from me and maybe find the stuff funnier. And do you really want to see me all dressed up with cutesy fonts and pink frilly graphics?
Who are your humorist heroes?
Of course I've always admired Woody Allen, but his neurotic Jewish self-deprecating persona starts to wear on you. Albert Brooks was hilarious in Drive, a real comedy breakthrough for him. And I'll include Calvin Trillin so you'll think I read.
Do you have a favorite gentile humorist?
That's such a funny thought! I'll have to do a bit about a quote unquote .... gentile humorist .... Ha-ha-ha! See, there's a hilarious concept I've gotten from an American!
Do you have a writing schedule or regimen?
Yes, I do.
What is it, asshole?
Oh yeah, sorry! I awaken at 6:00 A.M., have coffee, juice, and two pieces of plain toast, not buttered. I listen to the news on NPR, check my e-mail, and go back to bed. Whenever I get up I write a bunch of stuff if I'm not too nauseous.
Is it true that if you have a successful blog, you didn't build that?
I don't know if you could call my blog successful, but as long as Blogger doesn't repossess the cyberspace, I'll keep at it for a while.
President Obama may have misspoken, but he was clearly on to something. A lot of people have helped and inspired me both with respect to Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and The Twitter. Among them are Kd McCrite, Carrie Bailey, Marian Allen, Lexi Revellian, Winonah Drake, Darrelyn Saloom, Brenda Le, Melissa Moore, Diana Herrington, Michele Young-Stone, Melanie Sherman, Leona Bushman, Marni Mann, Junying Kirk, Cheryl Faith Taylor, Gail Maria Forrest, and Libby Adams. Thank you, guys!
In the highly likely event I missed someone and you are that someone, I will make amends either in the form of bestowing sexual favors upon you (if desired, and feasible from a geographic standpoint) or sending you a dollar. Just tweet me to berate me, and kindly include your preferred choice of reparations.
Now, any of you with no lives got any ideas for the next 200 posts?