Welcome to USA Hale & Hearty!
As we all know by now, last week Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts issued a ruling in the Affordable Care Act litigation before the Court that has been hailed as a true groundbreaking landmark decision!
In all the history of American jurisprudence, it's the first time that land (also known as ground) has been both marked and broken at the same time.
Chief Justice Roberts has ruled that the Federal government does not have the power to make people buy health care insurance, although it can require you to tweet about the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes breakup if in fact you haven't already done so by Close of Business (COB) July 6, 2012.
However, Justice Roberts has also ruled that the government does have the power to tax people for not buying insurance, providing Democrats the Obamacare they sought and Republicans the opportunity to scream "there they go again, raising your taxes!" even though up until the nanosecond the ruling was announced not even the most rabid right wing crazy who ardently believes that Barack Obama is not only an Agent of the Devil but is also regularly screwing the Devil by charging him an extra 2 1/2 % was even mumbling in his sleep about taxes.
Judge Roberts has thus carefully crafted a compromise that provides fresh ammunition for both sides to attack and demonize each other, and isn't that what it's all about?
Under the SCOTUS decision, by 2014 many Americans will be required to purchase medical insurance who don't have the mental acuity to purchase a paper clip. The following guide, How to Tell A Good Health Care Plan from a Not So Good One, is for all those good folks, which certainly includes you and me.
The guide is fairly slipshod and probably won't help much, but it's guaranteed never to be declared unconstitutional.
HOW TO TELL A GOOD HEALTH CARE PLAN
FROM A NOT SO GOOD ONE
Good Sign: Your health care plan is called USA Hale & Hearty, AmeriGold, or Quality Care Plus.
Not So Good Sign: Your health care plan is called USA Frail & Fragile, AmeriCrap, or Three Gobs & a Gal in White.
Good Sign: Many of the doctors in your health care plan have on the walls of their office a framed copy of the Hippocratic Oath or Maimonides Prayer for the Physician.
Not So Good Sign: Many of the doctors in your health care plan have on the walls of their office a framed copy of that poster that says "Shit Happens!"
Good Sign: Your health care plan provides a comprehensive network of high quality medical professionals representing a broad cross-section of diverse medical specialties.
Not So Good Sign: Fully two-thirds of the medical professionals in your health care plan list their medical specialty as "shaman."
Good Sign: Your health care plan provides low deductibles for the medical services you require so you do not incur excessive out of pocket costs which threaten your family's budget.
Not So Good Sign: Payment for medical services begins promptly following removal of your spleen.
Good Sign: When you ask your doctor about his qualifications, he informs you that he is a graduate of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, Board Certified in Family Practice and Internal Medicine, and a recognized authority and sought-after speaker in several highly specialized areas of medical practice.
Not So Good Sign: When you ask your doctor about his qualifications, he tells you "They threw me out of the University at Heidelberg! They called me mad!"
Good Sign: You went into the hospital yesterday for an emergency appendectomy and were discharged feeling fine after a fully successful procedure.
Not So Good Sign: You went into the hospital yesterday for an emergency appendectomy and were discharged with a red marker across your groin reading "OOOPS!" and an introductory letter to the conductor of the Vienna All-Boys Choir.
Good Sign: When you ask your doctor to review all the treatment alternatives available for your recently diagnosed condition, she carefully and comprehensively explains all the treatment options, providing a frank assessment of the pluses and minuses of each.
Not So Good Sign: When you ask your doctor to review all the treatment alternatives available for your recently diagnosed condition, she turns to you and says "You talkin' to me?"
Good Sign: After childbirth, your health care plan provides a full three-day hospital stay where you receive impeccable medical care as you regain strength so that you may fully and confidently care for your precious newborn child.
Not So Good Sign: Fifteen minutes after giving birth, your health care plan has you arrested for loitering.
Good Sign: Should you elect to utilize a doctor who is not included as a member of your plan's preferred provider network, you still receive a high degree of coverage for all of the medical services he or she provides.
Not So Good Sign: Should you elect to utilize a doctor who is not included as a member of plan's preferred provider network, you still receive a high degree of coverage for the medical service known as "Saying Ah."
Good Sign: Your monthly health care bill is affordable and reasonable.
Not So Good Sign: Your monthly health care bill actually plays the theme to Jaws as you remove it from the envelope.
Good Sign: All the doctors in your health care plan's network are wise and experienced practitioners of the healing arts.
Not So Good Sign: Your doctor is so young and inexperienced that when the appointment is over, you give him a lollypop.
Welcome to AmeriCrap!