Notes On A 200th Post

I couldn't reach my 200th blog post without stopping to reflect on what the past two and a half years of blogging have meant to me.  For me,  writing a blog has been much like sex.  Even though with my readership I'm almost always alone,  I still manage to have fun!

From time to time those of you with no lives who read the blog for obscure reasons known only to your lonely selves have asked me a variety of questions.   I usually ignore them because I simply can't be bothered with you, but today because I have no actual premise for this post and have just bombed out with my Dorian Gray and Gay NRA parodies,  I thought I'd tackle a few.

How old is your avatar?  

What gives you the idea it isn't current?  Aside from the small almost indecipherable reference to Matthew Brady in the lower left hand corner?

My avatar is  just eight years old, and later today I'm taking it for water ice and mini-golf. It was cropped from a larger picture taken on an epic hair day in perfect lighting from the optimal nose-minimizing angle after a full-night's rest and a satisfying meal on a day that there was very little trouble in the world and ... I was at Disney World.

And I still, more or less, look like crap.  

What made you decide to start blogging?

Several years ago, I came to the realization that I had many unexpressed thoughts, ideas,  hopes, dreams,  desires, and aspirations.  They are none of your damn business!  So I thought I'd write me some schlock comedy.   

Where do you get your ideas?

Mostly from China.  I also import a smattering of ideas from several other Asian countries and a few from a real funny fat guy in Bolivia.  Don't get me wrong,  I'd love to source ideas from the United States,  but frankly the concept-ship is shoddy and I've gotten zero customer service attempting to get help for an idea that isn't working. 

Why a no-frills blog? 

Well, it's easy to maintain, doesn't require expensive tune-ups, and you'll expect less from me and maybe find the stuff funnier.  And do you really want to see me all dressed up with cutesy fonts and pink frilly graphics? 

Who are your humorist heroes?

Of course I've always admired Woody Allen, but his neurotic Jewish self-deprecating persona starts to wear on you.  Albert Brooks was hilarious in Drive,  a real comedy breakthrough for him. And I'll include Calvin Trillin so you'll think I read.  

Do you have a favorite gentile humorist?

That's such a funny thought!  I'll have to do a bit about a  quote unquote ....  gentile humorist ....  Ha-ha-ha!  See, there's a hilarious concept I've gotten from an American!

Do you have a writing schedule or regimen?

Yes, I do.  

What is it, asshole? 

Oh yeah, sorry!  I awaken at 6:00 A.M.,  have coffee, juice,  and two pieces of plain toast, not buttered.  I listen to the news on NPR, check my e-mail, and go back to bed.  Whenever I get up I write a bunch of stuff if I'm not too nauseous.

Is it true that if you have a successful blog, you didn't build that?

I don't know if you could call my blog successful, but as long as Blogger doesn't repossess the cyberspace,  I'll keep at it for a while.

President Obama may have misspoken,  but he was clearly on to something.  A lot of people have helped and inspired me both with respect to Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute and The Twitter.   Among them are Kd McCrite, Carrie Bailey, Marian Allen, Lexi Revellian, Winonah Drake, Darrelyn Saloom, Brenda Le, Melissa Moore, Diana Herrington,  Michele Young-Stone,  Melanie Sherman, Leona Bushman, Marni Mann, Junying Kirk,  Cheryl Faith Taylor,  Gail Maria Forrest,  and Libby Adams. Thank you, guys!

In the highly likely event I missed someone and you are that someone,  I will make amends either in the form of bestowing sexual favors upon you (if desired, and feasible from a geographic standpoint) or sending you a dollar.  Just tweet me to berate me, and kindly include your preferred choice of reparations.

Now, any of you with no lives got any ideas for the next 200 posts?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
200

You Can Drink All the Liquor, Part II

 "Umm, I dunno.  Maybe we should reconsider ..."

"Okay, Brandon," I said, "it's settled! We're going to Tortuguero, Arenal, Monteverde, and Manuel Antonio, and that's set in stone, dude!"

"Great, Dad!" replied Brandon.  "It's ... umm .... been set in stone for over three months.  Why do we have to go over this again?"

"Because, Brandon, it isn't every day we go to Costa Rica, and we have to plan carefully." 

I might have added also it's because I am totally neurotic about almost any new experience except changing my socks, but some things pretty much go without saying. 

"There's many decisions about the trip," I pointed out to Bran, "that we've yet to make." 

"Like what, Dad?  We've picked the hotels, changed them two or three times, picked them again, re-routed our itinerary, temporarily considered Disneyworld as an alternative at your urging because the snakes there are animatronic, and booked  mini-golf in Monteverde with full deposit paid."   

"Oh, yeah?" I shot back. "We haven't yet selected where to have breakfast on Day 2 in Tortugero!"

"Dad, can't we leave breakfast to chance a couple of days?"

"Need I remind you, wiseguy, you said the same thing about picking the right gift shop for postcards at the airport!"

Now I don't know if many of you've had the opportunity to plan overseas travel, but it can get a bit complicated.  It does, however, provide a great opportunity to experience what it must be like to plan a Royal Wedding assuming you're never going to get a shot at sitting next to the Queen and actually writing out seating arrangements for Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles yourself. 

Putting together a trip to a place like Costa Rica presents a classic case of TMI --- there's guidebooks, websites, videos on You-Tube, Facebook pages, forums, Great Events in Costa Rican History Connect-A-Dots, and a "Help Explorer Sam Find his Way to Tortuguero Without Being Eaten Alive," which no matter how often I try always winds me up inside the volcano in Arenal. We've been through two travel agencies, three tour operators, and multiple conversations with friends and acquaintances who've been to Costa Rica, including two doctors, a musical conductor, and two random people on Twitter who may well be psychopaths for all I know.   

"BTW, Brandon, I was checking Frommer's guide last night," I said, "and we may want to reconsider the hotel in Manuel Antonio."

"Why?  We already reconsidered it three or four times."

"Frommer thinks the wake-up service runs a good two to three minutes slow.  But, to be fair, Mr. and Mrs. Lance Fairchild from Ohio noted on the "Costa Rica-WOW!"  travel forum that they have among the best chocolate chip cookies on check-in in the entire Central Pacific Region!"

"Dad, I think the hotel will be fine.  Can we move on?"

"I'm not so sure.  I think we should get on Skype to the tour company and ask a few more questions."

"Dad, you've asked more questions over the past few months than somebody who put their life savings into the Facebook IPO.  And besides, some of your questions are kind of embarrassing."  

"Like what?"

"Like:  Are the alligators in Costa Rica anti-Semitic?"

I guess maybe Brandon's right after all.  Frankly, with all this excessive planning,  sometimes I'm starting to feel like we've already been to Costa Rica and back!

"All right, then, Bran,"  said I.  "We're finally done.  We're set in stone!"  

That is, almost. 

There's one more gift shop in the San Jose Airport whose post card selection I gotta check out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Can Drink All the Liquor Down in Costa Rica

Yeah,  I can probably get into that ....

My son Brandon and I are going on vacation together. Sometime next summer.

We figure an opportunity like this may never come again.  In a scant year and a half Bran will be off to college, and considering all the exciting things happening to me, I could be  --- who knows? --- yeah, probably pretty much where I am right now.

There's only one thing. The slight matter of where to go. 

"Well, Brandon,"  I said, "how about we head for that Magic Kingdom down in Orlando Florida?"

"Disneyworld?  But we've already been there."

"And we had a great time!  You and your brother got along fine,  and I think Cinderella took a shine to you ..."

"Dad, I was eight."

"So?  I know a family that goes to Disneyworld every year.  If you go there more than five times in a lifetime, I'm pretty sure you can get certified as an official Disney character."

"Dad, can we go someplace a bit more real this time?"

"Real?  Okay, well, let me .... I've got it!

"You've got what?" 

"Vegas! What happens there stays there!"

"Really? What's going to happen there?"

"Probably nothing that's worth staying there."

"Dad, I want to go to someplace real, not to an artificial adult theme park built on hype and illusion." 

"Yeah, but as artificial adult theme parks built on hype and illusion go, it's hard to beat Vegas!"

"Dad, I was thinking someplace south."

"Baltimore?"

"Even further."

"Miami Beach?   I never knew you wanted to visit our ancestral homeland." 

"No, Dad, I want to go to Costa Rica!  I've been reading up on it and talking to a few kids who've been there. It's got everything!" 

"Costa Rica!  Everything?!  Sure, there's revolutions, insurrection, dysentery!"

"Dad, Costa Rica is one of the safest countries in Latin America.  It has a long-standing stable democracy and even dissolved its army in 1948.  And you get a complete ecological experience because it has both a Pacific and a Caribbean coast."

"Half Caribbean, eh?  That's not totally unappealing.  In much of the Caribbean, they have  that really good ..."

"Dad, the purpose of the trip is for us to explore new things, not for you to make another lame attempt to relive the 60's."

"Do they have snakes there?"

"Maybe one or two, Dad."

"No snakes in Disneyworld." 

"Yeah, but on the whole ..."

"I see.  You know, Bran,  there's an old song that goes Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker...."

"'.... you can drink all the liquor down in Costa Rica, ain't nobody's business but my own.  That's Taj Mahal, Dad."

"So it is.  Okay.  Sounds all right by me." 

Can we afford it?

"Of course not!"  

"Oh."

"So let's get started planning already."

And so,  later this year Brandon and I are off to Costa Rica.  And  I'm good with it.  Just one question. 

Anybody know if they got spiders in Costa Rica?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Hit it, Taj!