You Say You Want a Resolution Part II

Have You Made Your List Yet?

Herein my list of resolutions for the New Year.   Have you made yours yet?   

Then what are you going to feel guilty about this time next year?

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1) I will live bold, fearless, and unafraid.  I'd like to talk to you about it but you scare me. 

2) I will live outside my comfort zone at all times, my comfort zone being the hall bathroom.

3) I will begin to more prudently invest my money, starting with moving it out from inside my mattress.

4) I will hang with hot super models, including all the really hot super model trucks from Revell and Motor World. 

5) I will become totally gender neutral in my treatment of others, both men and babes alike.

6) I will visit the Philadelphia Art Museum often, because it's warm there.

7) I will make some new friends to compensate for the friends I have alienated this past year and then alienate them too.

8) I will get over my inferiority complex such that I will truly believe in myself, even though I am inferior.

9) I will be slow to criticize others unless they are standing on my foot.

10) I resolve to Carpe Diem each and every single day of my life! Also to take a long nap every day.

11)  I will only drink juice with no sugar added.  I'm getting enough sugar from my carton of Coke a day anyway. 

12) I resolve to stop procrastinating just as soon as I finish all my other resolutions.

13) I resolve that I will resign as President of the "Bill Cosby-America's Dad Association."

14) I will stop using the word "fuck" because it cheapens modern day discourse and shows a lack of creativity in usage of  the English language. However I will use "fucking" as much as possible. 

15) I will read all the plays authored by the great William Shakespeare right after I read a very credible article that convinces me that the great William Shakespeare didn't actually author any.

16) I will watch less television and spend less time on Twitter and will use the time I have saved doing drugs.

17) I will ask Seth Rogen and James Franco if they have any good non-offensive ideas for my blog.  

18) I will try to engage someone of an opposing political point of view in a meaningful, respectful, and constructive dialogue, even though most people of an opposing political viewpoint are idiots. 

19)  I will not make fun of the names Han Solo, Peter Parker, Jack Johnson,  or Hugh Jackman in the new year, so I'm going to go crazy making fun of them through midnight tomorrow night.

20) I will shop exclusively at Whole Foods from now on, not because I give a damn about healthy eating but because I'm much more likely to find well-preseved women my age there than at Super Fresh or Acme.

Have a Great New Year, Everyone!

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If Batman Had a Jewish Mother, or My Son, the Dark Knight

  

As the scene opens, high above Gotham City, the Bat Signal cuts through the evening sky.

Mrs. Wayne: Bruce ... Bruce? 

Bruce:  Yes, Mom. 

Mrs. Wayne: Come see what I made special for you. 

Bruce:  Matzoh Ball Soup!  Thanks, Mom.

Mrs. Wayne:  You're welcome, darling.  You're looking frightfully thin, Bruce, have another matzoh ball.  Light as a feather, aren't they? 

Bruce:  Mom! Look outside!  In the sky!

Mrs. Wayne:  I don't see anything. Here I'll close the drapes so you won't be bothered ....

Bruce: No, no!  It's the Bat Signal.  I must switch to my alter ego, the Batman!

Mrs. Wayne: Now, darling, you know you have to wait 45 minutes after eating before you change into Batman. Even longer if you're going to have to swim as Batman!

Bruce: I can't wait for that, Mom. Gotham City needs Batman!

Mrs. Wayne: Gotham City needs to kiss my tuchas!  And I expect you home by 12:00 sharp or you're grounded! 

Bruce: Aww, Mom!   I can't promise that.

Mrs. Wayne:  Then I'm coming with you.  Somebody's got to keep Mr. Dark Knight out of mischief!

Off into the night roars Batman's supercharged vehicle across the Bat Cave waterfall and towards Gotham City.

Mrs. Wayne:  Bruce, Bruce, slow down for crying out loud! You'll give your mother a heart attack!

Batman:  But, Mom, Commissioner Gordon is counting on me.

Mrs. Wayne:  Counting, schmounting!  He put a coat around you one night, you weren't even cold and I wasn't even dead! Say, darling, did you remember to bring your inhaler?

Batman:  Oh, shit!  I did forget it.  Well, we're not going back for it now!

Mrs. Wayne: Suit yourself, bubbeleh!  And watch your mouth.  

Batman:  Sorry!   That reminds me, Mom, when I'm dressed up like this, please remember to call me Batman!  You screwed up twice last week and called me Bruce right in front of Jim Gordon.

Mrs. Wayne: You think he doesn't know who you are, Mr. Big Shot?  You think he doesn't have a brain?  That husky voice wouldn't fool a four year old sitting in Santa's Lap.

Leaping from a tall building, Batman glides down to confront the Joker.

Batman:  Hand me the detonator, Joker.  I'm going to stop you from destroying Gotham City!

Joker:  But destroying Gotham City is my hobby, Batman.  What do you want me to do,  take up Mah Jong?

Mrs. Wayne: Did I hear my favorite hobby mentioned? 

Joker:  Who are you?

Mrs. Wayne:  I'm Bruce's Mom.

Batman:  No, you're Batman's Mom!  Batman's Mom!

Mrs. Wayne: Sure, darling.  Mr. Joker, look at you!  This is how you come to destroy the city? You look like Flo from Progressive.

Joker:  How should I look, Mrs. Batman?

Mrs. Wayne: Go home, wash your face, put on a nice suit, and then turn yourself in to Commissioner Gordon.

Joker: I will!  Thank you, Mrs. Batman.  If I'd had a mom like you, I'd be a successful dentist by now.

The Joker departs.

Mrs. Wayne:  All done!  And it isn't even 9:00 P.M. yet.

Batman: I have to admit you're right, Mom.  But I have a question.

Mrs. Wayne: Yes, Bruce?  I mean, Batman.

Batman:  Is there any more soup? 

Mrs. Wayne: Of course, darling!  Nothings too good for my boy who just single-handedly saved Gotham City from the Joker!

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View from the Top (FF)

 Copyright -Björn Rudberg

"This is some climb, isn't it? Enjoying it, Fred?"

"Sure am, Art!  But I'm wondering...."

"I know:  you're wondering if the view at the top is going to be as spectacular as I promised.  I assure you you're going to be blown away!"  

"Yeah, that's ... that's great.  But Art, I've also kind of been thinking ..."

"How long it will take to get to the top?  No time at all now."

"Oh, good.  But I've also been wondering once we get to top ..."

"Yes?"

"If the spotty maintenance on this rollercoaster might pose a bit of a problem on the drops."

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Personally I'm not a fan of rollercoasters  because I become nauseous at theme parks in the gift shop.  Still and all, I'd like to think that somebody would tend to the maintenance of the Dragon Crusher above before it is officially classified as a arboretum.

This is my weekly contribution to the Friday Fictioneers based on the photo prompt above, and you'll have a wild but safe ride checking out the the other Fictioneers' offerings by clicking here.

Okay,  over the top, here we go!!!   At least all the grass might make for a safe landing. 

Therapy for the Devil

    

"Please allow me to introduce myself."

"No need, I know who you are. You are Mr. Lucifer, I am Dr. Kropotkin, and this is your first appointment.  Come in and pull up a couch!"

"Well, okay, but, doctor ...."

"Tell me: what do you do for a living, Mr. Lucifer."

"I am the Lord of Darkness."

"So you're self-employed?"

"You could say that."

"Let me get your full name."

"Satan Mephistopheles Beelzebub Lucifer."

"That's an interesting name, Mr. Lucifer.  French, isn't it?"

"No, it is of all nationalities, all peoples, and all ethnic groups throughout the world since the very beginnings of time."

"Then, German?"

"You're getting warmer."

"What brings you in for therapy, Mr. Lucifer?"

"It's this darn Christmas season, Dr. Kropotkin.  All these happy people out and about spreading joy, it's killing me!"

"But, Mr. Lucifer, you're not alone. Many people feel depressed during Christmas."

"But I'm not depressed. I'm suffused with rage and anger!"

"Why so angry, Mr. Lucifer?"

"Because I'm feeling powerless to turn all those who celebrate Christmas into mindless zombies, bid them perform unspeakable evil, and steal their souls for all eternity!" 

"All of us feel powerless now and then, Mr. Lucifer. Ha! You should see me around the kitchen."

"Doctor Kropotkin, you don't seem to ...."

"There, there, Mr. Lucifer, it can't be all that bad.  It's not as if you'd killed someone." 

"Doctor, I've killed everyone!"

"That is some guilty conscience, Mr. Lucifer. Tell me about your father."

"I was the most beautiful of all his angels, and yet he cast me out of Heaven!"

"What was your father's name?"

"God."

"Gee, you really did worship the guy. And your mom?"

"What's a mom?"

"So your cherished father rejected you and you had no mom.  No wonder you're depressed at Christmastime!"

"I'm not depressed at Christmastime!"

"Of course you are.  Tell me, did you long for an air rifle as a child only to be told you'd shoot your eye out?" 

"No, I'm all  for eyes being shot out!"

"Yes, often when we're depressed we have revenge fantasies against others."

"No, no, no!  I'm not depressed!  I don't have revenge fantasies!  I'm mad as Hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lucifer,  that's not such a great  Howard Beall from the movie Network impression.  Don't quit your day job, whatever that is."  

"You still don't get it, do you, Dr. Kropotkin?  Observe!!!"

"So, Mr. Lucifer, you've now engulfed my office in flames in the center of which you are standing a full seven hundred feet tall and laughing demonically while behind you I see images of hundreds of thousands of people being brutally tormented, raped, and tortured all throughout history." 

"Dude, that's it. You see, Dr. Kropotkin:

 I AM THE DEVIL!!!"

"Well, Mr. Lucifer, we'll certainly have a lot to talk about next time."

"Next time?"

"Your hour is up.  It's a 45 minute hour."  

"But doctor...."

"And you being the Devil, I think you should start coming five days a weeks. Maybe six on the weekends I don't go to the Hamptons." 

"But I'm not made of money, Doctor!  Fire and brimstone, but not money!"

"Then I suggest you borrow the money from a close friend who shares similar personality traits with you."

"I...I guess I could do that."

"Good. Then I'll see you same time tomorrow, and remember: no cancellations within 24 hours."

"Thank you, Dr. Kropotkin.  And I'll materialize in Donald Trump's office just as soon as I leave here."

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