Therapy for the Devil

    

"Please allow me to introduce myself."

"No need, I know who you are. You are Mr. Lucifer, I am Dr. Kropotkin, and this is your first appointment.  Come in and pull up a couch!"

"Well, okay, but, doctor ...."

"Tell me: what do you do for a living, Mr. Lucifer."

"I am the Lord of Darkness."

"So you're self-employed?"

"You could say that."

"Let me get your full name."

"Satan Mephistopheles Beelzebub Lucifer."

"That's an interesting name, Mr. Lucifer.  French, isn't it?"

"No, it is of all nationalities, all peoples, and all ethnic groups throughout the world since the very beginnings of time."

"Then, German?"

"You're getting warmer."

"What brings you in for therapy, Mr. Lucifer?"

"It's this darn Christmas season, Dr. Kropotkin.  All these happy people out and about spreading joy, it's killing me!"

"But, Mr. Lucifer, you're not alone. Many people feel depressed during Christmas."

"But I'm not depressed. I'm suffused with rage and anger!"

"Why so angry, Mr. Lucifer?"

"Because I'm feeling powerless to turn all those who celebrate Christmas into mindless zombies, bid them perform unspeakable evil, and steal their souls for all eternity!" 

"All of us feel powerless now and then, Mr. Lucifer. Ha! You should see me around the kitchen."

"Doctor Kropotkin, you don't seem to ...."

"There, there, Mr. Lucifer, it can't be all that bad.  It's not as if you'd killed someone." 

"Doctor, I've killed everyone!"

"That is some guilty conscience, Mr. Lucifer. Tell me about your father."

"I was the most beautiful of all his angels, and yet he cast me out of Heaven!"

"What was your father's name?"

"God."

"Gee, you really did worship the guy. And your mom?"

"What's a mom?"

"So your cherished father rejected you and you had no mom.  No wonder you're depressed at Christmastime!"

"I'm not depressed at Christmastime!"

"Of course you are.  Tell me, did you long for an air rifle as a child only to be told you'd shoot your eye out?" 

"No, I'm all  for eyes being shot out!"

"Yes, often when we're depressed we have revenge fantasies against others."

"No, no, no!  I'm not depressed!  I don't have revenge fantasies!  I'm mad as Hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lucifer,  that's not such a great  Howard Beall from the movie Network impression.  Don't quit your day job, whatever that is."  

"You still don't get it, do you, Dr. Kropotkin?  Observe!!!"

"So, Mr. Lucifer, you've now engulfed my office in flames in the center of which you are standing a full seven hundred feet tall and laughing demonically while behind you I see images of hundreds of thousands of people being brutally tormented, raped, and tortured all throughout history." 

"Dude, that's it. You see, Dr. Kropotkin:

 I AM THE DEVIL!!!"

"Well, Mr. Lucifer, we'll certainly have a lot to talk about next time."

"Next time?"

"Your hour is up.  It's a 45 minute hour."  

"But doctor...."

"And you being the Devil, I think you should start coming five days a weeks. Maybe six on the weekends I don't go to the Hamptons." 

"But I'm not made of money, Doctor!  Fire and brimstone, but not money!"

"Then I suggest you borrow the money from a close friend who shares similar personality traits with you."

"I...I guess I could do that."

"Good. Then I'll see you same time tomorrow, and remember: no cancellations within 24 hours."

"Thank you, Dr. Kropotkin.  And I'll materialize in Donald Trump's office just as soon as I leave here."

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A Little Help Please?

From time to time somebody online will notify me that he or she is having difficulty posting comments on my Blogger blog, Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  And  I believe this is indeed true because other than my posts for the Friday Fictioneers,  I generally get about as many comments on my blog as there are stars in the sky. 

In the middle of the afternoon. 

In Kuala Lumpur.

In monsoon season. 

You perhaps have experienced this strange situation yourself.  You've tried but been unable to drop me a thank you for brightening your boring tedious day in the middle of your otherwise insubstantial and ultimately meaningless yet all-to-brief sojourn on this two-bit half-baked planet.

Well, you're welcome anyway.

Or you've wondered how there could be so few comments on my hilarious posts.  You've pondered: how could Perry Block's non-stop wit and incredible comedic skills not result in multiple congratulatory  plaudits and kudos on every post?!!

I've pondered too.

One possibility could be that Blogger has an endemic problem conveying comments heavily laden with glowing superlatives.  It may be that whenever a commenter clicks Send immediately after typing the words "comedy genius," "side-splittingly," and/or "I'm an attractive female dying to have sex with you, Perry Block," a glitch in the software causes it to freeze up faster than Windows XP when you had a stringent deadline your job depended upon in 2003.

This could well explain why I have never gotten a single message that includes any of the above terminology but frequently receive comments calling me an "idiot" and a "douchebag." Apparently "idiot," "douchebag," and "unfunny loser" are not words that trigger the apparent freeze.

So, may I solicit your assistance in getting to the bottom of this Blogger blogging problem? After all, I've never asked you for anything before (void with whom inapplicable).  So here's what I'd like you to do:

Try to leave a comment on this post.  Please enter the special code that Blogger has provided based on the degree of difficulty you have in leaving your comment. By tabulating the results, Blogger can determine the specific systemic problem in placing comments and make the necessary adjustments.

1) If you experience no difficulty whatsoever in placing your comment, please type in the code:  PHENOMENAL POST!  This means it was phenomenally easy to post your comment.

2) If you have some difficulty placing your comment but are still readily able to do it, please type:  FUNNY POST! This is Blogger code for "it's funny, but I had some trouble getting this comment to post."

3) If you have great difficulty getting your post to send, please type in: STEAMING HOT POST!  Which is Blogger code for "I got all steamed and hot under the collar trying to post my goddamn comment!"  

Got that, folks?  And since it may take Blogger some time to get to the root of the problem, please keep this up for the next six to eight weeks.  Maybe more. Nothing moves fast these days, you know.

Google, which runs Blogger, will thank you.

And you'll be saving me a ton of money with Dr. Kropotkin!

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