Monday, December 22, 2014

Therapy for the Devil


"Please allow me to introduce myself."

"No need, I know who you are. You are Mr. Lucifer, I am Dr. Kropotkin, and this is your first appointment.  Come in and pull up a couch!"

"Well, okay, but, doctor ...."

"Tell me: what do you do for a living, Mr. Lucifer."

"I am the Lord of Darkness."

"So you're self-employed?"

"You could say that."

"Let me get your full name."

"Satan Mephistopheles Beelzebub Lucifer."

"That's an interesting name, Mr. Lucifer.  French, isn't it?"

"No, it is of all nationalities, all peoples, and all ethnic groups throughout the world since the very beginnings of time."

"Then, German?"

"You're getting warmer."

"What brings you in for therapy, Mr. Lucifer?"

"It's this darn Christmas season, Dr. Kropotkin.  All these happy people out and about spreading joy, it's killing me!"

"But, Mr. Lucifer, you're not alone. Many people feel depressed during Christmas."

"But I'm not depressed. I'm suffused with rage and anger!"

"Why so angry, Mr. Lucifer?"

"Because I'm feeling powerless to turn all those who celebrate Christmas into mindless zombies, bid them perform unspeakable evil, and steal their souls for all eternity!" 

"All of us feel powerless now and then, Mr. Lucifer. Ha! You should see me around the kitchen."

"Doctor Kropotkin, you don't seem to ...."

"There, there, Mr. Lucifer, it can't be all that bad.  It's not as if you'd killed someone." 

"Doctor, I've killed everyone!"

"That is some guilty conscience, Mr. Lucifer. Tell me about your father."

"I was the most beautiful of all his angels, and yet he cast me out of Heaven!"

"What was your father's name?"


"Gee, you really did worship the guy. And your mom?"

"What's a mom?"

"So your cherished father rejected you and you had no mom.  No wonder you're depressed at Christmastime!"

"I'm not depressed at Christmastime!"

"Of course you are.  Tell me, did you long for an air rifle as a child only to be told you'd shoot your eye out?" 

"No, I'm all  for eyes being shot out!"

"Yes, often when we're depressed we have revenge fantasies against others."

"No, no, no!  I'm not depressed!  I don't have revenge fantasies!  I'm mad as Hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lucifer,  that's not such a great  Howard Beall from the movie Network impression.  Don't quit your day job, whatever that is."  

"You still don't get it, do you, Dr. Kropotkin?  Observe!!!"

"So, Mr. Lucifer, you've now engulfed my office in flames in the center of which you are standing a full seven hundred feet tall and laughing demonically while behind you I see images of hundreds of thousands of people being brutally tormented, raped, and tortured all throughout history." 

"Dude, that's it. You see, Dr. Kropotkin:


"Well, Mr. Lucifer, we'll certainly have a lot to talk about next time."

"Next time?"

"Your hour is up.  It's a 45 minute hour."  

"But doctor...."

"And you being the Devil, I think you should start coming five days a weeks. Maybe six on the weekends I don't go to the Hamptons." 

"But I'm not made of money, Doctor!  Fire and brimstone, but not money!"

"Then I suggest you borrow the money from a close friend who shares similar personality traits with you."

"I...I guess I could do that."

"Good. Then I'll see you same time tomorrow, and remember: no cancellations within 24 hours."

"Thank you, Dr. Kropotkin.  And I'll materialize in Donald Trump's office just as soon as I leave here."



janet said...

Haha, Perry. I think they may have had this in an episode of "Supernatural."


Russell said...

Evidently, Dr. Kropotkin doesn't accept Affordable Care Insurance. If Satan can just hold off a few more days everyone will be on their after New Year's weight-loss program. You know, grumpy, irritable and ready to kill the first person who eats a donut in front of them while their living on cabbage soup and working out at the gym.

That should cheer old Beelzebub up.