"O'Reilly, Trump, & I Got What We Deserved," Says Billy Bush

“Bill O’Reilly only got what he deserved,” former TV celebrity Billy Bush commented yesterday, “just in the same way that Donald Trump and I have been forced to endure the consequences of our thoughtless and disrespectful actions.”

“I’m sure all three of us have learned our lessons,” Mr. Bush added, “only we’ve learned them too late to prevent our lives from being destroyed.”

Mr. Bush has been out of a job since revelations of crude sexually explicit talk with Mr. Trump were exposed in October 2016.  He has since sold his home and most of his personal effects and cannot get a call back even from the recorded tape offering you a free cruise. "I’m looking at doing some local radio in Iceland," said Mr. Bush.

“Now Bill O’ Reilly is out of a job as well, and as I can well tell you nobody in the business is going to want to touch someone so toxic. However many millions Fox is willing to pay him will quickly dwindle down to nothing.”

“But Mr. Trump probably has it the worst.  As President of the United States he is constantly in the public eye and constantly torn with guilt and apprehension as to what people are saying behind his back. When he’s no longer President, who’s going to want to hire him?  Steve Bannon?!!”

“Ten billion dollars sounds like a lot of money, but Mr. Trump will find that it flies out the window like dust in the wind when you have no steady income to back it up!”

“Broke and unemployed --- that’s us! And we three richly deserve it," added Mr. Bush ruefully, as he finished shining my shoes.

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Donald J. Trump's Guide to Handling Sexual Harassment

Let Harassment Expert Donald Trump 

Teach You How to Handle This
(I mean, teach the woman how to handle this!)

Sexual Harassment is one of the most serious problems facing the American workplace today, along with ignorant and obnoxious CEOs who think they're vastly smarter than they actually are and want to be President of the United States.  No employee should be forced to work in an environment charged with sexual intimidation, lewd talk, or unwelcome touching or fondling even though I, Donald J. Trump, have gotten very excited while writing this sentence.

Donald's J. Trump's Guide to Handling Sexual Harassment, co-written by harassment expert Roger Ailes with foreword by comedian Bill Cosby, will serve as the definitive guide as to what a woman who believes she has been sexually harassed should do to safely and effectively handle the problem. 

So, at last a comprehensive guidebook for all you babes out there!

Sexual Harassment Defined.  
Did you know that men as well as women can be sexually harassed?  A woman can harass a man, or a gay guy can harass a man, or a very near-sighted straight guy can harass a man.  Or a woman can harass a woman, such as I see all the time in many of my favorite movies on cable TV late at night.

Our focus for purposes of this guidebook, however, shall be exclusively on men harassing women, especially the hot ones.

There are two types of sexual harassment as follows:

1) Quid Pro Quo Harassment --- where the perpetrator offers job or other related benefits to the harassed person in exchange for sexual favors.  (Some of the stupider harassers may ask for party favors.) 

2) Hostile Work Environment --- this takes place when unwelcome conduct by another worker is so severe or pervasive as to create  an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment, such as a pattern of unwelcome sexual jokes unless they are funny, running butt-naked through the Finance Department, and smirking at the world "thighs."

Not all offensive behavior rises to the legal definition of harassment.  For example, if a guy grabs your boobies, that's probably harassment unless:

1) He shouts "timber!"
2) You are a B cup or less.
3) No annoying goody two-shoes is around to witnesses the behavior.
4) He is Donald Trump.

What to do When You Believe You Have Been Sexually Harassed.
First, check your company's Sexual Harassment Policy. As regularly as they ignore them, all companies today have a Sexual Harassment Policy.

Sample Corporate Sexual Harassment Policy

At XYZ Company we take a very strong stand against sexual harassment. Whenever we receive a complaint we will investigate as soon as we get around to it and in the most thorough manner possible give the nature of the other more important projects we may have at the time. 

You should then report the offensive conduct to the Company's Human Resources Department. Although Human Resources will keep your comments strictly confidential, they may giggle if they spot you while walking through the hallways.

Harassment Investigation.
A prompt and thorough investigation will then be conducted by HR and all juicy details will be explored. HR staff will be hosed down if necessary.

Human Resources will make a final determination as to whether harassment has taken place, which is usually based on whether a reasonable man would want to harass you given what you got. If harassment has been found at the conclusion of the investigation, appropriate disciplinary action will be imposed upon the offender up to and including a week of having to clap out the erasers. 

Should Human Resources find there has been no harassment and/or the conduct does not stop, I would like to think you would find another career or find another company if that was the case.

Make sure and ask your billionaire father to help.

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About the Author

Donald Trump is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist, birther, and bully who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims  -- 1.6 billion members of an entire religion -- from entering the U.S.