Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I am a Published Author!*


Yes, indeed --- I am a published author, in case you’d like to hear me say it once again in the actual body of this article.*

I offer this to you in all modesty and humility, which is a bit hard to effect since I am a published author whose presence looms large upon the landscape of 21st Century American literature. In fact, I’m so good at looming I rent myself out to loom at weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, and the more generally boring brand of bachelor parties where the only pole dancers are guys.

My two books --- the Human Resources-based novel ADA & ADEA - A Love Story** and my sensitive volume of observations A Jew’s Christmas 2009 --- have reaped praise from far and even farther. I am proud to say that ADA & ADEA - A Love Story was even reviewed by the prestigious New York Review of Books which pronounced it to be “excellent kindling.”

ADA & ADEA – A Love Story concerns the love affair between two federal civil rights statutes and the many forces which push them together & pull them apart. Despite differences in age (ADEA was 43, ADA a mere 19!) and temperament (for ADEA, there could never be such a thing as a mixed motive!), they meet and share true love. Or as close to it as you can get in 73 pages with large print and an “Introduction” plagiarized directly from the Home page of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) website.

 It is true that ADA & ADEA – A Love Story was published by vanity press, but there is no truth to the rumor that shortly thereafter the publishing company went bankrupt for lack of self-confidence. This is not a schlock book! In fact, ADA & ADEA – A Love Story was the first book ever to feature an intra-book salad bar! And the whole concept would have worked too, were it not for the croutons, which kept insinuating themselves into the plot!

A Jew’s Christmas 2009 was for me the culmination of a life-long desire to honor both Jewish and Christian holiday traditions while mutually exploiting them both for profit. As someone so thoroughly Jewish that Mort from Family Guy finds me embarrassing, I have for many years also celebrated Christmas with my children, being careful never to invite Jesus to any tree trimming parties.

I therefore think of myself as a person who has one foot in Hanukkah and the other in Christmas. Actually it would be more like two feet in Hanukkah and one in Christmas were we to live on a planet where people have three feet. Drawing on traditional Christmas literary and musical sources, I sought to create that magical holiday feeling which pervades our consciousness from the moment all leftovers are cleared from Thanksgiving until the split second Christmas ends and the ornament sales begin.

With inspiration from the likes of 'Twas the Night before Christmas, A Christmas Carol, and It’s a Wonderful Life, I wove a rich tapestry which I promptly hired a guy to set on fire so I could put in for the insurance money. Whatever didn't burn made it into the book.

But enough about me!

How about you?

How many copies of each book do you want to order, and will that be cash or check?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Not really. This whole article is a fiction about fictitious works of fiction.

 ** for the Human Resources – uninitiated, these two statutes are: ADA – Americans with Disabilities Act and ADEA – Age Discrimination in Employment Act. (Trust me:  this bit kills at meetings of the Society for Human Resource Management!)

2 comments:

P.S. Joshi said...

Perry, This program just had the nerve to swallow up my comment. It went something like: I couldn't resist following the link to this post. It was a fun read as usual. : ) ---Susan

snowlocked said...

You are crazy! Please, don't change. :D