Saturday, December 23, 2017

Welcome to the Most Lenient Company in America

Gaylord Cornwallis Company

Welcome to the Most Lenient Company in America  

We are the Gaylord Cornwallis Company, the most lenient company in America.   This handbook has been prepared to introduce you to our Company’s human resources policies and procedures, but don't worry too much about it.

Short of sexual harassment, pissing in the coffee pot, and goosing the president, we'll forgive most anything. 

We wish you good luck in your new position, not that you'll need it. Now take the rest of the day off. 

Your Salary

Remember what we said your salary was going to be?  Ha! We just doubled it! 
We love to do shit like this.  Remember, we're the most lenient company in America. 

Now take the rest of the day off.

Your Benefits Program

Gaylord Cornwallis Company is happy to provide you with a Benefits Program that will knock your socks off including:

1. Fully paid health insurance for you and your family including any children from prior lives.  Drug coverage includes most major hallucinogens and your choice of Viagra or Cialis.

2.  The Gaylord Cornwallis 401 (k) Plan, managed by Warren Buffett.  Provides a 3% company match, meaning we match 3% of the Gross National Product.

3. Life Insurance in the amount of twice your annual salary as your annual salary is projected to be $200,957 at the time you may drop dead. Pays double indemnity if you die in any manner other than a blow to the head by Steven Seagal.

4.  Dental Plan covering your teeth (naturally, how silly of us!), Tuition Assistance provided your course of study is related to your job and/or anybody's job, and Disability Coverage even if you are faking it.

        5. Socks to replace those we have just knocked off you.

Your Company Holidays

We realize that the 11:30 A.M. to 3:00 P.M. grind every other day can get to be tedious, and for that reason we offer several Company recognized holidays to help you chill:

  • Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve & Day
  • Fourth of July, Labor Day, Memorial Day,
  • Martin Luther King's Birthday
  • Martin Luther's Birthday
  • Lex Luther's Birthday
  • Columbus Day (even though we now know he was a son of a bitch!)
  • March Madness Days 
  • All Jewish Holidays, including Anniversary of Founding of the Friars              Club
  • Your Birthday (up to four times a year)

 If for any reason there is a holiday that is important to you that is not listed above, you may make a written request to Human Resources to take the holiday in question. Then crumple up your request and just take it.

Your Vacation

Just take it. 

Your Drug and Alcohol Policy

 GCC has a crucial interest in ensuring safe, healthful, and efficient working conditions for our employees.  And sometimes getting zonked is exactly what's needed for all of us to feel mellow enough to maintain this copacetic status.

Drinking, using, possessing or selling intoxicants or controlled substances while on Company premises will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination in the event it exceeds more than half a dozen such instances in a single day. We hate to crack down, but at GCC we believe you should be able to stay straight at least part of one day.

Your Dress Code

At GCC, every day is Casual Dress Day except Wednesday, which is Rocky Horror Picture Show Dress Day.  

Again, We Welcome You

We are as pleased as punch (spiked, as in the lunchroom) you've decided to join us at GCC.  

If you have any questions about the company or your job, please let us know and we will endeavor to answer them for you promptly.

You may not always agree with the answers you receive, but in such case please ask your questions again and we will adjust the answers until you are just as happy as a pig in fucking shit.

Employment at Will Disclaimer

The Gaylord Cornwallis Company is an “AT WILL” employer and as such we are free to unilaterally terminate our employment relationship with you at any time, with or without notice and with or without cause. 

 That means we can fire your ass whenever we want and you can't do a damn thing about it! 

Now that we've had our fun, just you try and take the rest of the day off, fucker.



Unknown said...

For a minute I was actually considering applying for a job. Funny stuff.
Happy Holiday Days,

Perry Block said...

I'm sorry, you're not qualified. You've been known to occasionally work hard. Naughty, Naughty! Happy Holidays, Tracey!

Gardenlover said...

Wow, I got fired before I was even hired. At least my last employer kept me for 31 years before showing me the door. It took them a long time to catch on that they were overpaying me to write blogs posts and email jokes. Actually, they found they could hire three people who do the same thing and tripled my output without increasing payroll. "Jokesters are a dime a dozen," they said, and out the door I flew.

Perry Block said...

It took them that long to catch on that they were paying a gentile to write blog posts and e-mail jokes! I guess maybe they had a quota to fill. Anyway I'm putting in an application to the Gaylord Cornwallis Company. Care to join me?