The Man - Trumpian Candidate

Been reminded lately of a great movie we've all seen called The Manchurian Candidate?

Thought so.

Starring Frank Sinatra and Laurence Harvey, The Manchurian Candidate tells a tale in which the Russians plant a clueless operative in the United States to destroy democracy. Same thing in real life, except here the Russians have planted an idiotic douche bag in the United States who's best quality is being clueless to destroy democracy.  

All that’s missing is Angela Lansbury.

Until now.

“You can’t deny me entrance to the Oval Office!  I’m Mrs. Johnny Iselin, Raymond’s, I mean Donald’s mother.”

“But, Mrs. Iselin, President Trump is very busy …”

“Nonsense, you idiot!  He’s probably busy salivating over that tart Erin Burnett on fake news channel CNN!”

“Why, Mother!  What a pleasant surprise!”

“Why, this is a pleasant surprise, Raymond, I mean, Donald!  I thought you were masturbating to fake news, but you’re with your Vladimir Putin blow-up doll. Good!”

“Mother, why must you always put me down?”

"Because you're a stupid, ignorant, boorish, disgusting, narcissistic clown! In a good way. And perfect for manipulation by our Russian handlers."

"Chelsea Handler?"

"Did I mention stupid?" 

"Why are you here, Mother?"

"Because it's time to play a little cards, Raymond, I mean Donald."

"Why?"

"Because you've developed a fantasy I must eradicate before it destroys our plans to destroy America."

"Okay. Solitaire, mother?"

"Heavens no, Donald, you're way too dumb to understand the rules to Solitaire. We're playing Old Maid."

"Okay, deal!  Shit, I got the Old Maid again! And she's so ugly she makes comedy writer Bruce Vilanch look like Scarlett Johansson!"

"Now listen to me, Donald: you will forget this recent fantasy of yours and concentrate on turning America into the Borscht Capital of the World!"

"Whatever you want, Mother. I'll do your bidding ...  that is, your bidding  on The New Price is Right!   Goodbye, Mother."

"Hey, kid!  Hey, 71 year old, kid!  I saw your mother just leaving. I need to talk to you now."

"Why, it's Frank Sinatra, playing Captain Bennett Marco!  Doo Be Doo Be Doo, Frank!

"Oh, man!  Did somebody mention stupid?"

"What do you want to talk about, Frank?" 

"Let's play a little cards, kid."

"As long as it doesn't require reading."

"Let's see what we can do, kid." 

"Look at the cards, Raymond ... I mean, Donald: 52 ugly old maids. They make comedy writer Bruce Vilanch look like Scarlett Johansson. And each one of these old maids is telling you "you grab my pussy, you'll get a knitting needle up your ass.’ 

They're also telling you it’s over!  The links are smashed. Which is a shame because I felt like hitting the links and playing golf tomorrow!" 

"Why, Frank, I see it all clearly now!  I will resign tomorrow!" 

"Good, kid, good!"

"And I will resign like no one has ever seen before! Under prior administrations our resignations were the laughing stock of the world but not anymore."

"I'll say it again: Did somebody mention stupid?" 

“And I will turn the White House over to Crooked Hillary, who’ll probably force her way in before I've even finished caressing, kissing, and packing up all my pictures and false Time covers of myself. " 

“Okay, kid, just great! Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to go suck up to future president Ronald Reagan.”

“But, Frank, there’s one condition. You gotta help me realize a fantasy that, well, only you can help with."

"Anything, kid!" 

"I wanna hang with the Rat Pack."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

And don't forget, folks, it may not like be catching a performance of the Rat Pack in their prime, but I guarantee it's funny, that is, my book Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute. 

And absolutely no collusion, no obstruction!