He is the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer!
I met Vlad some years again during a vampire onslaught in Philadelphia and we became fast friends after we determined that he was allergic to my blood type, especially after I heavily seasoned it with garlic.
"Vlad!" I exclaimed, as he flew through my window in bat-like form and transformed himself before my very eyes into someone who looked like your Uncle Murray, only with fangs. "Would you like something to drink?"
"Sure," he replied,"I'd love to crack open a veinski!"
"You'll take a Cokeski. What brings you here?"
"I heard some idiot is running for President of your country. Thought maybe I could rip his throat out for you?"
After some discussion, we decided that compared to forming a Political Action Committee, raising 75 million dollars, hiring a top-notch public relations firm, developing highly polished negative advertising, and purchasing air time for the highly polished negative advertising from coast to coast, ripping Donald Trump's throat out might be a pretty good alternative.
So we headed for North Carolina where Trump was speaking, me on a commercial airliner and Vlad in the avatar of a flying rodent in a fetching cape.
"I'll go on ahead," said Vlad, "and when I get there, I'll order you someone ... I mean, something to eat."
When I arrived I found Vlad aghast at something he'd seen. He wasn't all right now, in fact he was aghast! (rimshot!)
"What does that sign mean - Trump Pence?" he asked. "This jerk is already renaming your money after himself?"
"No, no, it's not that," I answered, "we don't have pence in America. That refers to Mike Pence, Trump's running mate; he holds the indoor record for haircuts in a hour."
"Foreigners are pouring into our country!" Trump shouted. "Muslims, Mexicans, Benedict Cumberbatch!"
"Damn," sniffed Vlad, "he doesn't like anybody, does he?"
"He likes Vladimir Putin," I whispered. "They hang out, discuss totalitarianism, plan traitorous acts against the United States, and admire each other's nipples."
"I'm building a wall!" he cried.
"He's building a wall?" said Vlad. "Around his mouth, I hope. Who's that big fat guy?"
"That's Chris Christie. He's the shameless, ass-licking, opportunistic Governor of New Jersey."
"Well, he looks delicious! And who's the hottie next to him?"
"That's Melania, Trump's third wife. Trump manufactured her in one of his plants in Malaysia."
"And Transylvania isn't sending us their best!" bellowed Trump. "They're sending vampires, they're sending werewolves, they're sending the Bride of Frankenstein. Huh, I wonder if her pussy has those electric streaks like her head hair ...."
"That's it!" cried Vlad, leaping into the air towards the stage."Insulting the Bride of Frankenstein, that idiot is toast! Rye toast with chopped chicken liver and a dash of hemoglobin!"
"Go get 'em, Vlad!" I yelled.
Vlad assumed the shape of a bat and swooped across the crowd directly toward Trump, then took a swift detour straight toward the shapely neck of Melania Trump!
"Vlad, what are you doing?" I cried. "I thought you were going to meet, greet, and eat Trump!"
"Sorry, man. If I have to spend eternal life with anybody, I think I might prefer the mannequin to the orange-haired idiot."
And they were off.
So maybe the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer didn't fully get the job done.
But for a blood-sucking creature of the night, he's a mensch.
Love that pose by Chris Christie, obviously demonstrating how he could eat an entire city, or a small state, such as New Jersey, in a single bite.
Perhaps you should have sent a werewolf to do the job instead. The only danger there would have been choking on an orange hairball.
A clown is definitely the best option.
Christie may be the most horrible monster in the entire story. Not only could he eat an entire city, he could have Trump's tiny hands for dessert. Provided he was filled up from the city first. When I wrote this piece it seemed like Trump was finally finished, but now it seems like he's making a comeback just like the monster that won't die in a horror movie. Meanwhile, damn that Vlad! He didn't finish the job & didn't get many laughs either.
This crazy election seems to have put everyone's laugh-track on hold. I'll be glad when it's over.
I'll be glad when it's over too and we can settle back and relax with President Johnson on the job!
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