He is the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer!
I met Vlad some years again when vampires were the thing, before zombies were the thing, before deplorables were the thing, and even before clowns were - wait for it - the thing. There was a vampire onslaught in Philadelphia that October and Vlad and I became fast friends after we determined that he was allergic to my blood type, especially after I heavily seasoned it with garlic.
As it turned out Vlad had been bar mitzvahed long ago in 1257. A regular part of the ceremony back in those days was the lovely and traditional burning at the stake performed by local village anti-Semites. Vlad himself was able to bypass the ritual when he proudly announced according to ages old tradition "Today I eat a man."
The anti-Semites decided to put him on their waiting list.
"Vlad!" I exclaimed, as he flew through my window in bat-like form and transformed himself before my very eyes into someone who looked like your Uncle Murray, only with fangs. "Would you like something to drink?"
"Sure," he replied,"I'd love to crack open a veinski!"
"You'll take a Cokeski. What brings you here?"
"I heard some idiot is running for President of your country. Thought maybe I could rip his throat out for you?"
After some discussion, we decided that compared to forming a Political Action Committee, raising 25 million dollars, hiring a top-notch public relations firm, developing highly polished negative advertising, and purchasing air time for the highly polished negative advertising from coast to coat, ripping Donald Trump's throat out might be a pretty good idea. So we headed for North Carolina where Trump was speaking, me on a commercial airliner and Vlad in the avatar of a flying rodent in a fetching cape.
"I'll go on ahead," said Vlad, "and when I get there, I'll order you someone ... I mean, something to eat."
When we finally got to the rally the next day Vlad was aghast. But he wasn't all right now, in fact he was aghast! (rimshot)
"What does that sign mean - Trump Pence?" he asked. "This jerk is already renaming your money after himself?"
"No, no, it's not that," I answered, "we don't have pence in America. That refers to Mike Pence, Trump's running mate; he holds the indoor record for haircuts in a minute."
"Foreigners are pouring into our country!" Trump shouted. "Muslims, Mexicans, Benedict Cumberbatch!"
"Damn," sniffed Vlad, "he doesn't like anybody, does he?"
"He likes Vladimir Putin," I whispered. "They hang out, discuss totalitarianism, and do each other nails."
"I'm building a wall!" he cried.
"He's building a wall?" said Vlad. "Around his mouth, I hope. Who's that big fat guy?"
"That's Chris Christie. He's the shameless, ass-licking, opportunistic Governor of New Jersey."
"Well, he looks delicious! And who's the hottie next to him?"
"That's Melania, Trump's third wife. Trump manufactured her in one of his plants in Malaysia."
"And Transylvania isn't sending us their best!" bellowed Trump. "They're sending vampires, they're sending werewolves, they're sending the Bride of Frankenstein who's put on 60 pounds since 1935 and has to do something with that hair!"
"That's it!" cried Vlad, leaping into the air towards the stage."That idiot is toast! Rye toast with chopped chicken liver!"
"Go get 'em, Vlad!" I yelled.
Vlad assumed the shape of a bat and swooped across the crowd directly toward Trump, then took a swift detour straight toward the shapely neck of Melania Trump!
"Vlad, what are you doing?" I cried.
"Sorry, man. If I have to spend eternal life with anybody, I think I might prefer the mannequin to the orange-haired idiot."
And they were off.
So maybe the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer didn't fully get the job done, but for a blood-sucking creature of the night, he's a mensch.
Maybe I should have gotten me a clown. After all, it takes a clown to bring down a clown.
Miss Electrified Piggy?
Dinner for a Vampire?