Monday, October 3, 2016

I Drink, Therefore I Spill

I drink, therefore I spill.

With apologies to Rene Descartes, this is perhaps the highest and greatest expression of my own personal life experience.

I have spilled piping hot, freezing cold, and/or luke warm liquids of every kind and nature. 
I have spilled upon wall to wall carpeting, throw rugs, table cloths, bedding, chairs, recliners, sofas, shirts, blouses, suit coats, pants, dresses, and whatever that goofy thing is that you have on right now. 

I have spilled upon self, family, friends, neighbors, people of every race, creed, and color, and even once upon a guy named Stanley.  

I have never met a drink that my inner klutz didn't recognize as a piƱata.  

How do I spill?

1) Sitting at a table at business meeting or Bar Mitzvah, I reach for the salad dressing, bread, or cream and ...BAMM! ... over goes my water glass onto the lap of the person at the table I am most trying to impress.

2) Failing to properly secure the lid to the coffee I am transporting from convenience store to car, I open the car door and ... BAMM! ...  where do you hafta go to clean upholstery?

3) Flipping my wrist to check my watch for the time, I discover said watch happens to be around the wrist corresponding to the hand in which I'm holding my drink.... and BAMM! ... and I'm cold and wet and I still don't know what time it is!

4) Leaning over boss' desk, I smash my coffee cup into the picture of his loving wife and two young children and ... BAMM! ...  coffee spews all over the extensive handwritten notes he has just taken at the Board Meeting.

5) I make a grandiloquent hand gesture to accompany a conversational point that doesn’t warrant a grandiloquent hand gesture … and BAMM! ...  glasses, cups, pitchers, goblets, wine bottles, and water vessels of all kinds anywhere in the Western World may take flight.

And with it all, I have not yet begun to spill.  When people see me coming, they practically don raincoats.

Why do some people constantly spill?  Is it genetic? If so, it probably wouldn’t be difficult to locate the dreaded Spill Gene as it busily bumps, upsets, and jostles all its surrounding genes. Scientists would merely have to check which chromosomes harbor genes constantly incurring unexpected dry cleaning bills.

So is there hope for we who spill more than the beans each and every day?

One method may be to practice the Spiller's Grand Odyssey, that is, making it successfully from kitchen to living room sofa without spilling any part of a cup of coffee. To successfully complete the Grand Odyssey, one must 

1) Pour coffee into your cup in the kitchen without pouring any on the counter or the dog,

2) Carry your cup of coffee into the living room without tripping Dick Van Dyke style over the ottoman,

3) Ease your way through the room without bashing into the neighbor who's wearing his best cashmere sweater, and

4) Successfully seat yourself on the sofa without giving a warm bath to 2 or 3 of the sofa cushions and your nephew. 

And what happens if you can do it once or twice?  Are you cured?

Nah, of course not!

Some truths are eternal.  Like I drink, therefore I spill.

Ain’t that right, Rene?



Russell said...

I'm not a doctor, but I've always wanted to play one on TV. My guess is, you were bottle fed as a baby and never given the opportunity to nurse at the breast until you were at least 35. By then, your Spill Genes were so far developed that you could even spill a can of Carnation Evaporated Milk without even puncturing the container.

There's no telling what kind of natural disaster you would cause if you got close to a large body of water. It's very possible that one of your ancestors was the last Israelite to make it through the Red Sea, and his inept Spill Gene caused the sea walls to collapse on Pharaoh and his Egyptian army.

Please stay away from the Hoover Dam, the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, and my bottle of beer.

Perry Block said...

Yes, I'll have to stay away from Atlantic City from now on. They're having enough trouble without me taking out two or three casinos. As for nursing at the breast, I'd sure like to have that opportunity now. Only problem is my spill gene would get very excited and watch out, cheap watered-down Bud Light!

pattisjarrett said...

At least you're an equal-opportunity spiller. This is why Shout Wipes were invented--you are not alone in your suffering.

Perry Block said...

I can tell we're spilldred spirits. (Boy, was that a stretch!)