I Drink, Therefore I Spill

I drink, therefore I spill.

I have spilled piping hot, freezing cold, and luke warm liquids of every kind and nature.

I have spilled upon carpeting, table cloths, chairs, sofas, shirts, pants, dresses, and furnishings and articles of clothing the names of which I don't even know.

I have spilled upon self, family, friends, neighbors, and people of every race, creed, and color.  

“Oh crap, I’m sorry!” is a major part of my vocabulary.

How do I spill?

1) Sitting at a table at business meeting or Bar Mitzvah, I reach for the salad dressing, bread, or cream and over goes my water glass onto the lap of the lady wearing the $4,000 dress or the man in the silk suit.

2) Making a grandiloquent hand gesture to accompany a conversational point, I send a glass, cup, pitcher, or wine bottle flying through the air onto an assemblage of two or three friends.  Actually, now former friends.

3) Failing to properly secure the lid to the coffee I am transporting from convenience store to car, I open the car door and, well, no wonder my upholstery is brown and it used to blue.

“Welcome to my apartment!” said my friend Roy to me and two other friends. “Can I get you guys anything to drink?”

“I’d love a Coke! Thanks, Roy.”

“Uh, Perry?”

“Yes, Roy?”

“I didn’t mean you. I meant the other guys.”

“Why not me?”

“Perry, this is a new sofa, it cost me 1500 bucks”.

“So?”

“The last time I was out with you in a restaurant I needed an umbrella!”

“I won’t spill, I promise.”

“Well ... okay.  Be please be careful!  Here’s a coke.”

“Thank you.  Now about that idiot Trump, I ... Oh crap, I’m sorry!”

Is spilling genetic?

If so, it probably wouldn’t be difficult to locate the dreaded Spill Gene as it busily bumps, upsets, and jostles all its surrounding genes. Scientists would merely have to check which chromosomes harbor genes constantly incurring unexpected dry cleaning bills.

So is there any hope for we who spill more than the beans each and every day?

Nope. Some truths are eternal. 

“I drink, therefore I spill.”

I raise my glass to you, Rene Descartes!

Oh, crap, Renee, I’m sorry! 

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My Twitter Pledge to You

Almost exactly two years ago, I first joined the social networking site known as Twitter.

At that time I understood little about Twitter other than how stupid I thought the name was, sounding something like a cross between a child's play toy or an adult's play toy if you happen to talk like Elmer Fudd. 

 And I still think that.

The word tweet also strikes me as kind of juvenile for describing the act of communication over a medium that's become as much a serious source of  information about politics, world affairs, and art as about whether Justin Bieber can produce sufficiently potent sperm to father a child.

Would great people throughout history have used something called tweets to express their deepest and most sage thoughts and ideas?

@WinWithWinnie  We will fight on the land, on the sea, & in the air .... but if they attack us from space, we're screwed!

@AlbieEinstein   WOOT!  I've got it:  E=MC 2.   Now, more coffee!

@ArthurMiller69  Nitey nite, tweeps!  I'm off to bed with Marilyn Monroe & you're not!

@TheReneDescartes   I think.  Therefore I tweet.

@Will_Shakespeare  I wrote a mess of plays & sonnets?   I  can't even spell my last name the same way twice!  #fakedyaalloutmorons!

In one man's quest to further ennoble this medium I have come to love, or at least tolerate, I have developed a set of rules for my conduct on Twitter:  A Ten Commandments of Twitter,  if you will, and even if you won't.  

I shall follow these Ten Commandments of Twitter to the letter and with all my heart, except on weekends and Jewish holidays.

Herewith, My Twitter Pledge to You:

1) I will never use the expression "WOOT" unless I happen to talk like Elmer Fudd and am tweeting about what you should do-do-do for the home team. 

2) I will never use the expression "Woo-hoo" unless you have previously tweeted "Knock Knock" to which I have tweeted "Who's there?" to which you have tweeted "Woo."

3) Under no circumstances  will I ever LOL my own tweets.  This is the twitter equivalent of jerking off.   It's not up to me to determine if my tweets are funny, you make the call and LOL me!  I hope.

4) I will never tweet "Good morning, Tweeps" unless I have actually spent the night with all of my followers,  or at least one or more of those followers I'd actually like to spend the night with!

5) I will never use the expression "the hubs" in any of my tweets, even if one day I should actually have a "hubs."

6) All my DMs will be dirty.

7) I will never follow back hate mongers, extreme right wing NRA-types,  or anti-semites  unless they have smokin' hot avatars with big boobs. 

8) I will never use the hashtag #amwriting unless I happen to be living in a parallel dimension in which pronouns do not exist

9) I will never at any time follow celebrities --- except of course each and every one of you!

10) And yes, I will also kiss your ass.

Additional copies of My Twitter Pledge to You are available if you send me an e-mail at the address shown on my Facebook page.  Make sure to include the words "WOOT" and "woo-hoo" and the hashtag "amwriting." 

And don't forget to tell 'em @WinwithWinnie sent you! 

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