Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Desperately Seeking Larry

My two year absence?  No good?

When last we saw Larry David on his classic television show Curb Your Enthusiasm several years ago he was wandering the streets of Paris with good friend Leon.  Even in another language, Larry's famous social maladroitness was operating at full throttle, manifesting itself in a manner that was as always, tres magnifique! And then the scene faded out and Larry David faded away.  

And since then, I've been desperately seeking Larry!   

Larry David as depicted in Curb Your Enthusiasm is a Jewish gift to the world. He's a super wealthy guy who can't figure out how much tip to leave on a deli sandwich. He rubs shoulders with Mel Brooks and Michael J. Fox but can't hold a two minute conversation with the pool boy without near international incident. He once had a beautiful loving wife but so bombed the relationship the only thing missing was nuclear fallout.

Larry is a rich, successful guy who screws up worse than we do.  And watching him make a bigger idiot out of himself than we ever could makes us feel lots better about ourselves! 

Comes Sunday night and desperately seeking Larry, I flick on HBO:

"Larry?  Are you there?  Game of Thrones?  Sure, I appreciate the big budget and the mythic feel, but where are all the Jews?  Boardwalk Empire?  But the only meshuga Jewish  guy  here is mob boss Arnold Rothstein!  The Good Wife on commercial TV?  Sure, Juliana Margolies is Jewish but  she's so damn well-adjusted, what good is that?!!” 

Yes, I've got the Head of HBO Programming on speed dial. Sometimes I actually get through, desperately seeking Larry.

"Please put Larry David  back on the air!" I demand. 

"Sir,  that's up to Mr. David."

"Can't you push him?  He might offend the President of France, wind up in the Bastille, and never get back!"

"Sir, I think you're confusing the character with the actual Larry David.”

“But isn't that's the point of the entire show?!!” 

What about watching some other comedies, you ask?  That would be fine were there Two and a Half LarrysSaturday Night Larry, or America's Got Larry.  But no such shows exist, leaving me --- you guessed it --- desperately seeking Larry.

So how about you, friend?  Are you too desperately seeking Larry?
Top Ten Signs You Are Desperately Seeking Larry

1) Whenever anyone asks how you're doing, you invariably say "Pret-tay, Pret-tay Good!" even if you are in fact doing "Pret-tay, Pret-tay Lousy!" 

Seriously considering naming your next child "Marty Funkhouser" or at the very least nicknaming him "The Funk."

3) Just launched a drive to have Larry replace Ben Affleck as the next Batman.

4) If only you didn't have such a thick bushy head of hair!

5) Constantly hum the theme to Curb at inappropriate times and places such as when proposing marriage, during parent-teacher conferences, or at awarding in Stockholm Sweden of your Nobel Prize in Physics. 

6) Purposefully own a black cat so you can pretend it's Richard Lewis.

7) Whenever you suspect someone of lying, you stare at the person while tilting your head back and forth and somehow that insinuating quizzical Curb music actually plays!

8) You've retained Jeff Green as your agent even though you're a certified public accountant.

9) You refuse to return actress Cheryl Hines' adoring phone calls because how dare she dump Larry!?

10) So what did you think of this top ten list?  Well, to put it bluntly, even the Seinfeld finale was better?!!


And so, Larry David, here we all are, each of us awaiting your return.  Please hurry back so we need desperately seek you no longer.   You see, you're our social safety net.

Without you around, whenever we mess up, we mess up alone. 



Russell said...

I hope you find him soon. I hate seeing you in such a desperate funk.

Perry Block said...

Well, I'm used to screwing up on my own as well. Thanks, Russell!

Agent 54 said...

I wonder, does Larry have IBS too?

Perry Block said...

Another reason we must seek him out! Thanks for writing.