Is this Ole Bessie?
And that's where Mr. Brian Biggy, Headhunter Extraordinaire, fits in.
"Mr. Block, I'll come right to the point," Mr. Biggy told me the other day. "We've given you a comprehensive battery of tests to try to determine your aptitude, skills, and/or talents for gainful employment.
"I know," I said. "I haven't had to answer so many questions since JDate tried to prove I wasn't Jewish just to get me off the site."
"In reviewing the results of these tests, Mr. Block, please keep in mind that there is no good or bad, there is no right or wrong, there is no pass or fail."
"Well, how did I do?"
"I failed? How could I fail?"
"Our testing reveals you have no aptitude, skills, and/or talents for gainful employment."
"C'mon, I have talents! I have skills."
"Do you have a head for figures?"
"Long as they're on women. Especially busty women."
"Are you tech savvy?"
"No, but I have Dell Tech Support on speed dial."
"As a former HR professional, what do you know about FMLA*?"
"I'm not up-to-date on all the radio stations in Philadelphia, but I could brush up."
"How are your leadership skills?"
"I dunno, but I need to go to the bathroom. Could you take me?"
"See what I mean, Mr. Block? You're to employability what Arnold Schwarzenegger is to fidelity!"
"Well, I know enough to know that joke doesn't get a laugh."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Block. I'll say 'good-day.'"
"Well, there's one thing you haven't mentioned yet, Mr. Biggy."
"What's that? What are you pulling out of that bag? Why, is that ... is that .... a .... "
"Yes it is, sir. I call her: Ole Bessie!"
"Any good with Ole Bessie, Mr. Block?"
"Best there is in the county."
"Well, we'll see about that. Meet The Twangmeister!"
"Well then, shall we?"
Perry, you shore can play that thing!
You're one pickin' and a grinnin' fool, Perry!
Now, That's Real Count-r-e-e-e!
Perry, your artistry transforms you!
"Wow, Mr. Block, you are indeed the best I've ever seen!"
"Thank you. Glad you enjoyed."
"Enjoyed? I haven't had so much fun since I got my zipper caught in a Rolodex 25 years ago!"
"So what do you say now, Mr. Biggy? About me. "
"You're still an unemployable loser."
"Oh. Okay. Guess I'll go then."