Monday, October 1, 2012

25 Reasons It's Great Not To Have A Significant Other

Boy, is this the life or what?!!!

All alone in the world? No one to tell your troubles to?


Having a Significant Other is significantly overrated, especially when that Significant Other is significantly irritating. And what Significant Other is other?

The following choice and edifying tidbits which all serve to prove the point were taken from the book I consider my veritable Bible on the singles life,  An Overage Loser's Guide to Meeting Marginal Women.  (Look for it wherever fine books in a discrete brown paper wrapper are sold.)

25 Reasons It's Great Not To Have 
A Significant Other

 1)  Unless you're a big fat guy to begin with, you really save on food. 

2)  The sex is whenever you want it!   

3)  You can eat crackers in bed until getting into bed produces the Snap! Crackle! Pop! sound.

4)  Never have to listen to anyone saying "You never listen to me!" 

5)  Personal hygiene?  Forget it.

6) When you have sex, it is always with Scarlett Johansson.

7) You always get to watch the big game uninterrupted even if you don't give a crap about the big game!

8) Screw up the laundry and shrink stuff? You don't have to answer to a soul!

9) Never have to surprise anyone with flowers unless you have to send flowers to somebody dead and by then it's kind of too late to be a surprise.

10) The toilet seat is always up and will never have to be fucking down!

11) Change the channel with the clicker non-stop without anyone complaining until the television finally explodes! 

12) The word "carping?" Doesn't exist.  

13) You never have to change the sheets until your body is imprinted on them like the Holy Shroud of Turin.

14) Love means you never have to say you're sorry?  No way.   Nobody Else There means you never have to say you're sorry!

15) You can feel free to tear up at all the sensitive touching parts in movies without worrying that your wife or girl friend will get it at last that you're a pansy-ass!

16) Never have to worry about friends avoiding you because they can't stand your wife or girl friend which provides you with that deep and abiding peace of mind that comes with knowing they avoid you because they can't stand you!

17) "Doesn't anybody else ever do anything around here?"  Yep, you don't hear that one much anymore. 

18) Never have to feel guilty fantasizing about nailing her girl friends.

19) Nobody complains about your snoring other than the people living on either side of you.

20) Intimate romantic dinners sure take much less time out of your day. 

21) In the case of Zombie Apocalypse,  no one around to eat out your brains.

22) Empty, hollow, and pointless relationships on the Internet so much more satisfying than dealing with breathing sentient human beings.

23) Valentine's Day?  Pay it about as much mind as Belly Button Lint Day!

24) No boring small talk after sex, that's for sure.

25) You have all the time in the world to sit around and fantasize about the great woman you'd undoubtedly get  if only you'd get the hell up and get out the door!


You can have sex with her anytime you want!
(I know I do.)


Lexi said...

26. When you get home, the place is as tidy as you left it, unless burglars have been in.

27. Less washing up.

28. Nobody to tell you you don't need to do those exercises, and is that all you're eating?

Perry Block said...

Lexi, you are great!

Not only do you help me with blog design, you improve my crappy humor pieces.

26) When you get home the place is as tidy as you left it unless burglars have been in, in which case it's tidier.

And here's an alternate for No.3) You can eat crackers in bed until getting into bed makes the sound "Snap! Crackle! Pop!"

Perry Block said...

By all means, Libby, SHARE!

This post ain't exactly springing off the shelf ...

Perry Block said...

Well, this was kind of an interesting post, if I do say so myself.

As usual, I made a number of changes after I first posted it, including dropping bullet points that didn't seem to fit. (Yep, the old "killing your babies," always difficult and never fun.)

I'd like some help with this one. Anybody got any more of these to add? There's plenty, I'm sure.

I need you.

Renee Schuls-Jacobson said...

You naughty, naughty boy.

You make me want to be single again.

Just include the gender changes.

Unless it's hotter for you to leave them as is. ;-)

Loved your comment at my place today, and I couldn't resist coming over here to say hi. This was totally worth it. And I shall now tweet you to the world. Hopefully, some tweeps shall enjoy your naughtiness as I have. ;-)

Marian Allen said...

You don't have to ask for driving directions if you damn well don't want to.

You can ask for driving directions without losing face.

Nobody is going to make you feel inadequate if you can't change the oil filter in the car -- or if you didn't even know cars HAVE oil filters.

Supper can be a bowl of cereal. A fancy supper can be a bowl of cereal with a lump of frozen strawberries in it.

You don't have to hide the pornography. Or the Hollywood gossip magazines with all the hot pictures of Scarlett what's-her-name.

You can watch Saturday morning cartoons again.

You can play with GI Joes in the tub.

Your girl friend packs neatly away in a briefcase, once she's been properly deflated.

Nobody makes you take your shoes off to walk on the new carpet.

There is NEVER any new carpet.


Marian Allen
Fantasies, mysteries, comedies, recipes

Perry Block said...

Thanks for tweeting to the world, Renee. Most of the time I feel my tweets don't reach further than the bathroom.

If my post makes you want to be single again, it has succeeded. The more single Jewish woman out there a few years my junior (in your case, more) who like this post the better!

Thanks again for the nice comments and the plug!

Perry Block said...

All good ones, Marian!

But you keep your hands off my GI Joes, and as for the item right after it, that's one of my outtakes from the first draft. I thought it was too crude, but there you go!

Thanks for bolstering the list, as I knew you would.