Monday, February 6, 2012

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

Boy, I'm bummed!

Yes, of course I'm freezing my tushie off! It’s February, Zeus damn it, and I’m only wearing a loin cloth!

My name's Cupid, how the hell are ya?

I am the Big Kahuna of St. Valentine's Day, the lamest holiday ever. A commercial pit stop on the calendar artificially constructed to sell greeting cards, chocolate, roses, and jewelry.

How do I hate thee, Valentine's Day? Let me count the ways.

For the holiday that supposedly has a heart, when it comes to single people you are heartless.  All around them they see nothing but couples gazing ardently into each other's eyes and pawing one other passionately.

I do what I can to help out, but I am just one cherub. The only Significant Other most single people wind up with on Valentine’s Day is the other that’s at the other end of their arm.

Married couples fare no better with thee, Valentine's Day. 

Of any ten random married couples, four hate each other with the same passionate intensity that Tracy Morgan hates being funny. For them, Valentine’s Day begins with breakfast at a table that becomes progressively longer each year until finally one of the two is shoved out on the front lawn.

(Thanks a lot for coming up with that one, Orson Welles!)

Having exchanged the requisite box of chocolates or roses --- often with specified extra thorns --- they repair to an evening of internecine conflict the likes of which I haven't seen since the Peloponnesian War! 

Of the ten random couples, four profess deep feelings to each other that they do indeed have --- for other people!

The husband presents flowers to the wife that he'd love to be proffering to the woman in Marketing with the big tits and the wife gives chocolates to the husband she dreams of tendering in person to Ryan Reynolds. 

If they do it all, it is Ryan Reynolds and Melissa Goldstein in Marketing who are actually having the sex. 

Finally, of the ten random couples, two do indeed love each other with the same deep romantic passion that an orthodontist feels for anyone who's English! 

Sometimes --- ahem ---  my arrows do work wonders!

These two count the micro-seconds until they can once again be enveloped in one another's arms, smooch like Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr, and do the deed for hours on end like the mightiest of Olympians!

Frankly, these folks don't need Valentine's Day. What they could use is a break.  

Their kids haven't seen them since August. 

So what about you?  Where do you fall in the spectrum?

I thought so!  

Well, that's what my arrows are for, my friend.

Shall I take aim?  


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