Next on Nova: Murray's Universe

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Next on Nova ...

It's a question that's been asked from the time humankind first began to ask questions. Where do we all come from? What is the origin of the Universe? And is it even halfway as cool as the origin of Batman?

Now startling discoveries suggest that previous theories about the beginnings of the Universe may have been empirically inaccurate, or to use the scientific term, cuckoo banana doodles!  Is all life in the Universe nothing but a dream? It's " Murray's Universe," Next on Nova ...

For years now, the Big Bang has been the prevailing view of the beginnings of our Universe.  But it is a theory riddled with flaws, such as how could Higgs-Boson particles have collided 15 billion years ago and exploded into the creation of the Universe when neither Higgs nor Boson were alive then to name them? 

Dr. Lance Lewitsky  of the University of Havertown PA is an eminent astronomer who has studied the heavens for over 25 years ever since he first realized that if he became an English major the hottest chicks he'd ever be able to nail were spacey lit majors from Sarah Lawrence who'd be nonstop gassing him about Emily Dickinson.  Through the use of one of the world's most powerful telescopes, he has made a game changing discovery.

Dr. Lewitsky ...

"When we look through a telescope, we are actually looking back in time. With this telescope, I can look back almost to the birth of Joan Rivers! There deep in space I have seen a floating shape that when magnified several thousand times appears to be that of a big fat guy sleeping. We have named him Murray, and we believe that he is dreaming the entire Universe!"

Here is the best enhanced image we have of Murray, and yeah, I know exactly what you're thinking, ladies and gay men worldwide, but keep in mind nobody's asking you to have sex with Murray, just to be housed within him."

The so-called Row, Row, Row Your Boat Theory, says Dr. Lewitsky,  explains a great deal we've never understood before.  Why is there  evil and injustice in the world? According to Dr. Lewitsky, Murray is a bit of a jerk.  Why does your spouse look like a female version of actor John C. Reilly? Murray hates you, explains Dr. Lewitsky.   

And why are there earthquakes, tsunamis, and other natural disasters? Dr. Lewitsky's calculations indicate Murray rolls over a lot and snores like a son of a bitch!  One has to feel sorry for anybody he might be sleeping next to.

But who is Murray? Where is he from? Is he Jewish? Why couldn't we be dreamed by somebody lots cooler like a guy with a dashing mustache and an eye patch named Count Maximilian de Boisier?  

Again Dr. Lewitsky ...  

"All these questions yet beg for answers, and frankly you're kind of annoying me now. What we do know for certain is that Murray began dreaming our Universe about 6,000 Earth years ago and dreams in creationism.  He actually believes everything's controlled by some imaginary superhuman being on a mountaintop with a long white beard and doesn't even realize he's DA MAN!"

Of course, the most important question of all is: What happens when Murray finally wakes up?

Dr.  Lewitsky: 

"When Murray eventually awakens, it's postulated that the Universe will implode, mountains crash into the sea, and in an immense ball of gaseous fire and destruction everyone and everything  will perish for all time!   So please, folks,  SHHHHH!!! "  

What's next for the Row, Row, Row Your Boat Theory?  Dr. Lewitsky has recently begun a project to study possible methods for influencing the happenings in Murray's Dream.  If successful, such an endeavor could have stunning, immense, and sweeping implications for the future of all of humankind!  

And you and I might be able to induce Murray to dream we are fucking Scarlett Johansson.

So,  g'night, Murray!

Sleep well!

Next Time on Nova:  Scientists today are exploring new ways to reverse climate change by undermining the climate's confidence and convincing it that change is always unpleasant and way hard.  "Fucking with Climate's Head," next week on Nova.

This is PBS

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If you liked this post, you might also like Next on Nova: Whatever Happened to the Dinosaurs?,  Next on Nova: The Artist Dimension,  and The Mystery of Adnan and Evie.  If you hated this post, I hope you are just about to have sex with Scarlett Johansson and  BAMM! 
Murray wakes the hell up!

Next on Nova: The Artist Dimension

Be More PBS!

Next on Nova ....

Many have long wondered:   Does there exist alongside us a hidden world that we cannot see, even if we squint?  Could a parallel dimension co-exist in the same time and space as we do and yet our feet never get stepped on, not even once in a while?  

Now new developments in String Theory bring us closer than ever to peering directly into that unseen world, a parallel land called "The Artist Dimension!"   On Nova ....

For years now, a growing number of physicists have come to believe in String Theory, a theory of the nature of the universe which posits that all matter is made up of minute oscillating strings. What a boon to those people who save string,  if only we can get the damn strings to stop oscillating!

While massive research goes on in that area, other scientists are pursuing another intriguing aspect of String Theory, namely its prediction of the existence of additional dimensions, possibly as many,  to use the technical term, "as you can shake a fist at!" 

This is Dr. Carl Churning of the University of Havertown PA.   He has been  studying String Theory for over 35 years, ever since he narrowly failed to make the United States Professional Bowlers' Tour.  

"Dr. Churning:  Students,  the new and incredibly  complex mathematical model that Dr. Max Greenbaum and I have developed takes us far beyond String Theory and all the way into Rope Theory,  thank you very much!  

We can now predict with high certainty that there is indeed a parallel dimension to our own.   We call it The Artist Dimension because it reminds us of the movie The Artist, except without all the Oscar buzz."

Student 1:  Professor, what makes it remind you of the movie The Artist?

Dr. Churning:  The Artist Dimension has no sound!  People don't speak, dogs don't bark, and college basketball analyst Dick Vitale is a pleasure to be around! "

The apparent discovery of  the Artist Dimension, a dimension without any audible sound, has rocked the scientific world and certainly potted a few hot dates for both Dr. Churning and Dr. Greenbaum, whom you'll see shortly is no beauty. 

But initially even Churning and Greenbaum were stumped: how could people communicate in a soundless environment?  Then they rechecked their long division, never a strong suit for either of the two physicists,  and fixed a few typos.  The revised model provided the answer.

Dr. Greenbaum .... 

"How do they talk?  Just like in silent movies, they use title cards!  Everybody is born with a certain number of title cards and a magic marker.   But you gotta write fast all through your life!

Let's say two two Jewish guys who used to be partners in the garment business meet each other on the street in the Artist Dimension: one holds up a card  like this one that says 'How are you, Sol?'  The other holds up a card with these three words: 'Drop Dead, Shmuck!' 

See? Not that different from here." 

Back in class,  Dr. Churning's students are eager to learn more about this exciting and brave new world ....

"Student 2: Dr. Churning, is there music in the Artist Dimension?

Dr. Churning:  Our mathematical model shows that they do have ABBA.

Student 2: OK, so that's a "no."

Student 3:  Professor, how do people communicate during the sex act in the Artist Dimension?  

Dr. Churning:   The mathematical model shows that people use pre-printed cards which they frenetically display to each other during sex.  We can confirm that there are cards that say  'Give it to me, big boy!,'  'Yes, yes, oh, yes!!!,'  and  '(aside) .... wait til I tell the guys about this!'  

Student 4: Is the Artist Dimension exactly like ours except for the lack of sound?

Dr. Churning:   In every other respect except one.  There, Khloe is the hot sister."

Despite the impact of their breathtaking  research,  Dr. Churning's and Greenbaum's findings have not been verified by the broader scientific community,  and some critics point out that not only has no one ever been to the Artist Dimension,  no one has even gotten a call through during peak hours.   

Dr. Churning and Dr. Greenbaum have responded to their critics by holding up a couple of choice title cards  which we're not going to share with you because we don't want to jeopardize our federal funding.  But in truth the only way to verify the existence of the Artist Dimension is to travel there and bring back presents.

Many questions remain, including: 

• Does Adam Sandler exist in both dimensions?  Why? 
• Is the Artist Dimension only in black and white?  Or is it sometimes in color, like The Wizard of Oz?  
• If a tree falls in the Artist Dimension and no one is there to hear it, does it make a title card?

The debate willrage on.  Perhaps it is raging on right now,  title cards flashing away,  in the Artist Dimension as well. 

Next Time on Nova:  Having a goofy name - can it  be harmful to your health?  Dramatic new research reveals that the name "Marvin" can kill you.  

This is PBS

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Next on Nova: Whatever Happened to the Dinosaurs?

Is this what really happened to the dinosaurs?

Be More PBS!

Next on Nova .…

They rule our imagination – those thunderous beasts who ruled the earth over 65 million years ago. For years scientists have struggled to determine just what caused them to go extinct. It’s Whatever Happened to the Dinosaurs? On Nova….

Perhaps it was an early case of global warming. Or the impact of a gigantic meteor that careened out of control and crashed into the earth at a time when there were no strict rules against careening out of control and crashing into the earth. Or was it simply an appalling lack of concern for eating heart healthy?

What did in the dinosaurs? Today modern science is learning that all these various theories may amount to little more than paleontological poppycock, if we can use that expression on PBS without jeopardizing our federal funding. Today’s paleontologists --- and we mean the really smart ones that listen to NPR --- are coming to the startling conclusion that dinosaurs did not go extinct at all, but simply became passé!

This is Dr. Lance Lewitsky of the University of Havertown PA. He has been studying dinosaurs for over 25 years, ever since he learned that there was no math involved.

Dr. Lewitsky….

“Our fossil record is woefully and highly incomplete. In fact, I’ve given our fossil record an Incomplete with just one week to make up the credit or get an F! There is no proof whatsoever for the theory of dinosaur extinction other than our desire that it happen today to certain members of the Republican Party.

But we do now know one thing for certain: As the new species of clearly better looking mammals started populating the earth, the dinosaurs began to feel ugly, awkward, and socially unpopular. After millions of years as big man on campus, the dinosaurs found themselves morphing into a bunch of goofy losers!”

Eugene Potchka, Professor Emeritus of the University of Havertown PA, is the mentor of Dr. Lewitsky and often referred to as the “Father of the Goofy Losers Theory.”

Dr. Potchka….

“You have to remember, here’s this planet that’s only used to slimy disgusting things and all of a sudden there’s these adorable cute cuddly creatures bandying about everywhere that look something like Ewoks. And it seems to the dinosaurs like the very heavens and earth are going AWWWWWWW!!!!”

Although pterodactyls and a few other enterprising dinosaurs tried to compete by evolving feathers and chirping, most dinosaurs withdrew from primordial society and stayed home building model airplanes and baking fudge. It’s the movie Marty all over again but this time instead of Ernest Borgnine, picture Godzilla.”

High in the Peruvian mountains Professor Samantha Earthy, a more attractive than you’d expect colleague of Drs. Lewitsky and Potchka, is supervising the excavation of molars from the mouths of some indigenous cash-strapped locals. Dr. Earthy often accompanies Dr. Letwitsky on paleontological digs when he can secure sufficient funding for her participation and convince his wife she actually has a college degree.

Dr. Earthy….

“I’m standing on the outskirts of the remote village of Muchacho, Peru where the major native pastimes are dysentery and running in terror from rampaging lava spewing from neighboring Mount Eruptus, and in front of an enormous crater measuring over half the size of Donald Trump’s wig.”

“Ever hear the expression ‘wish you could just dig yourself a hole and hide in it?’ 

Well, realizing their time was regularly being beaten by the much cuter mammals, that’s precisely what the highly embarrassed dinosaurs of 65 million years ago opted to do. 

Traditional paleontologists still think an enormous meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs caused this crater, but frankly, the traditional paleontologists who think this are even bigger douchebags than the dinosaurs themselves!”

But if the supposition of Professors Lewitsky, Potchka, and Earthy is accurate that dinosaurs yet survive today, where are they? Why don’t we see them? Why don’t they eat us, especially those of us who smell good?

One school of thought is that we actually do encounter dinosaurs all the time, but they are so lacking in cool that we look right through them!

Dr. Lewitsky….

“There are more than a few historical references which indicate that dinosaurs may be alive and among us. Thomas Jefferson himself noted in his personal journal that  ‘All men are created equal, but New England Episcopalians are distinctly favored for breakfast by T-Rex.’

And many today assert that Democratic political strategist James Carville is in fact a highly evolved velociraptor, an assertion which Republican political strategist Mary Matalin has never denied.

And so, the battle lines are drawn. On one side the traditionalist paleontologists who contend that dinosaurs are indeed extinct and if you were to encounter one today, you’d run like the dickens, if we can use that expression on PBS without jeopardizing our federal funding.

On the other side lie the cutting edge views of Professors Lewitsky, Earthy, and Potchka which hold that you may very well come face to face with a dinosaur one of these days, and if it should happen, you’d hardly run.

You’d give him his noogies.

The debate yet rages.

Next Time on Nova: New discoveries all but verify the legitimacy of String Theory and of a parallel world in which conservatives have control over the National Endowment of the Arts and NPR consists solely of 24/7 broadcasts of Car Talk.

This is PBS.

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