Hangin' Haman

The holiday of Purim is a relatively minor though fun Jewish holiday that comes in March. There's dress-up in costumes like Esther and Mordecai and the other characters in the Purim story, a carnival with games and prizes, and a delicious pastry called hamantashen shaped like the hat of the villain, Haman, who is hung at story's end.

One additional tradition of the holiday is the amusing game called  Hang Haman, the Jewish version of Hangman.  Through this charming custom, Jewish children the world over have fun while experiencing the unvarnished delight of bloodthirsty revenge and learning all about the joys of capital punishment. 

It's Purim now in a home somewhere in America:

"Hi, Joel! Hiya, Max!"

"Dad, Happy Purim!"

"You too, boys.  Ha, ha! You guys killing Haman again?"

"Yeah, Dad!  Joel's been missing a lot of words at Hang Haman, so we've been stretching that bastard's neck all afternoon!"

"Wonderful! Look at those rope burns! And what have you done there, Joel?"

"Max missed one word so badly that hanging seemed too good for Haman. So we changed the game so that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson worked over Haman until Max got the next word!"

"Coooool!  Looks like he beat the pulp out of him! What word did you miss, Max?"

"Decapitation, Dad!" 

"That's a common word, son.  Missing that might have warranted castration of Haman instead of Dwayne Johnson knocking his head in."

"If only we thought of that!  But at least we used the word castration earlier in the game."

"Dad ... what's that?  A tear in your eye?" 

"I'm just so proud of you guys and the wanton and vicious manner in which you hang Haman!"

"We had a good teacher, Dad."

And the delightful  tradition that is Hang Haman doesn't stop there. There are various other versions of the game played around the globe such as Draw & Quarter Haman,  Play ABBA Over & Over for Haman, and  Governor Christie Sit On Haman. 

Now Haman truly was a bad guy.  In addition to trying to destroy the Jewish people, he was never around when you needed help moving  and would frequently hog the sports section even after you told him you just wanted it for a second!  He deserved what he got. 

But doesn't making his death into a spectator sport perhaps sends a bit of a wrong message? And in truth Hang Haman is just a tiny part of Purim that hopefully has been de-emphasized in recent years.  So for me,  I'm content in 2014 to forgo battering the living daylights out of Haman and just eat his hat. 

Maybe this time around, sans chapeau, he'll simply catch cold and die.  

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Pain Free Fast at Last

The Jewish High Holy Days are truly a special time of year, but to many Jewish people and especially those who enjoy the act of consuming food, there is one part of the Days of Awe that can be somewhat less than awe-inspiring.  That’s the day-long fast that takes place during Yom Kippur.

I have always wondered why any protracted period of time without food is called a fast because there’s nothing like a fast for making time go slow. And by sundown on Yom Kippur time has proceeded so slowly for many Jews that not only does it seem as if they are back in tenth grade Geometry class,  some actually hand in homework to their old teacher.

How to handle the Yom Kippur fast so your digestive system doesn’t beg you to atone for what you’ve done to it?   Here are a few suggestions:

Eat to excess prior to the holiday.  This is one you’ll love: eat not only as if food is going out of style but eat as if whatever comes into style to replace food is also going out of style. Start around late August and do not stop until sundown of the eve of, the day of, the fast of.  You will gain weight until you resemble the love child of actress Kirstie Alley and actress Kirstie Alley, if such were possible, and when the holiday comes your food forbearance will seem like a miracle akin to manna not dropping from the heavens.

Associate food with enemies of the Jewish People.

Food is not your friend!  In every day and every age, food has risen up and sought to destroy the Jewish people by inducing diabetes in our ancestors from wicked excesses of added sugar. Associate all baked goods with the doughy pastry engendered by Haman's tri-cornered hat, keeping in mind if you ever wore a stupid hat like that you'd have to forget about getting any fine women and set your sights on Mayim Bialik as she looks in The Big Bang Theory.  And try mentally linking all middle Eastern food with Pharaoh, whose heart was hardened not by God, but by excessive levels of the bad cholesterol.  

Reflect upon how the act of fasting will build your character. Yes, you are like Gandhi in your strength and commitment! From this day forward you will face the world with new confidence, dignity, and purpose!  There you are sitting in a lotus position clad in a towel after many hours of reverential fasting .... and .... and .... there you go ripping your way to the refrigerator, knocking over whoever's in your way,  and feeding like a horse in a trough from the vanilla mint chip!

Yep.  Ain't nothing like confidence, dignity, and purpose.

Imagine you are in the movie “The Exterminating Angel.” This is a classic movie by director Luis Bunuel in which guests at a fancy dinner party are inexplicably unable to leave the party no matter how hard they try. Imagine you are in the same predicament at Uncle Morty and Aunt Sarah’s last Passover where the matzoh balls were like hand grenades and somebody apparently stuck a soapbox under weird Uncle Harris who calls Sean Hannity "a flaming liberal."

And you can't leave.   Still feel like pounding down the brisket?

Realize Things Could Be Worse. Back in Biblical days the Jewish people used to practice animal sacrifice with goats, sheep, or any animal that couldn't outrun them, most Jews admittedly not being track stars.  If going a whole day without chowing down is your idea of animal sacrifice with you as the animal, imagine if each and every Yom Kippur you were required to go forth unto the land and slay something. Unless it were slaying 'em at the Palace, I'd say having to postpone your bagel and cream cheese until sundown would be a lot more copacetic than kicking the crap out of cow.

Fantasize about fasting leading to a wonderful occurrence in your life. As you leave the synagogue, imagine that the woman of your dreams weak from hunger passes out directly into your arms.  Romance ensues.  Hot sexual union is consummated faster than you can say "Shtupping!, " if in fact, you can say "shtupping" at all.

Yes, thank you, Day-Long Fast, thank you! 

That is, unless your wife is around to witness the above referenced wonderful occurrence, leaving you embarrassed,  deflated, and all set with some heavy ass atoning to do next Yom Kippur.  

And also, not to mention, hungry! 

Happy New Year, Everyone!

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Purim's Red Carpet

Sure Passover is more meaningful and at Hanukkah you get presents for eight nights if you work it right, but only at Purim do the Jewish people have both a Pageant and Carnival! 

And this year Purim --- the Feast of Esther commemorating the victory of the Jews over the evil Haman in ancient Persia ---  falls squarely at the same time as the 2013 Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences Annual Awards.  Ya know, the Oscars! 

And so this year, we're ... 

LIVE ON THE RED CARPET

 At the 2013 Academy Awards &
Purim Pageant & Carnival Celebration!

"Hello again, everyone!  I'm Lara Spencer from ABC's Good Morning, Insipid America! Tonight on the Red Carpet we'll  meet and chat with the A-Listers starring in the Academy Awards Purim Pageant and Carnival's retelling of the the story of Esther!

It's gonna be a BIG MEGILLAH!*

Vashti! Vashti!  Get over here!  Ladies and Gentlemen, here's Jennifer Lawrence as King Ahasuerus' ill-fated first wife Vashti!

"Hi, Lara!  Hello, everybody! My first year as Vashti, this is so epic!

"Yes, it is a big year for you, Jennifer, what with Silver Linings Playbook and The Hunger Games." 

"Forget those, Lara!  Here at the Purim Carnival we've got Carnival Games!  Including bean bag tosses!"

"Of course, Vashti is banished by King Ahasuerus for refusing to appear naked in front of his drinking buddies.  See that kind of modesty starting a trend in Hollywood, Jennifer?"

"No way, Lara. Ever watched Girls on HBO? Next thing you know Jonah Hill's gonna be droppin' trou!"

"Well, good luck with the banishment, Jennifer --- I mean, the banishment from Hollywood if you don't win the Oscar!"

"And this next  face needs no introduction: The Legendary Bobby DeNiro!"

"Great to be back here as the King, Lara!  Haven't played  Ahasuerus since 1995 with Jimmy Woods as Mordecai!"

"How does the role of Ahasuerus  compare to your other great roles, Bobby?"

"I see King Ahasuerus as Don Corleone minus 75 IQ points.  Here's a guy with a hot wife in Vashti who wants to take off her clothes only for him, and he trades her in for a Jewish wife who wants to take off her clothes only for the alterations person at Bloomingdales!"

"So true, Bobby!  Tell me, are you going to make an uncomfortable rambling speech at this year's Purim Pageant?

"Of course, Lara, it's my trademark." 

"We'll look forward to squirming through that!" 

"Here's that guy  --- Mordecai!  And it's everyone's favorite perfect guy, Hugh Jackman!'

"Great to be playing a steadfast, stalwart, square-jawed, handsome, heroic, noble, save-the-day, Supermanish type, Lara!  Again." 

"Is there nothing you can't do, Hugh?"

"Make all the other guys in the world feel less insecure?"

"And now ... could it be ... yes, it's the annoying sound of hundreds of groggers!  Sounds like a swarm of bees that's just had lunch at Lance Armstrong's buttocks.  And here's  our Haman, none other than Christoph Waltz!

"It's wonderful to be here, Lara!  My first time out as Haman, so happy to be playing another great anti-Semitic villain."

"You've got big shoes to fill, Christoph, the role having been played by Mel Gibson for many years."

"Yes, it's a tough act to follow. And me with Jewish children yet!  If you don't mind, Lara, gonna go love me some hamentaschen!"

"And now all the way from the Princess Diaries to Queen Esther herself --- Anne Hathaway!"

"Oh, Lara, it's wonderful to play the Queen at Purim!" 

"Gorgeous gown, Anne! How have you been preparing for this big role?"

"Married me a Jewish guy this past year, Lara, and for the last month I've done nothing but play Hang Haman!"**

"That's our great Purim Pageant cast, Ladies and Gentlemen!  The Pageant is going to be starting momentarily; for those of  you who want to watch the actual Academy Awards, it's on line somewhere, look it up.

And tomorrow on GMIA, we'll have exclusive coverage of me, Josh Elliott, and Christolph Waltz rockin' those Carnival bean bag games! 

You won't wanna miss it!

Now if you don't mind, folks, gonna go love me some hamantaschen!

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If you liked  this post, you might also like Purim: You Are Who You Eat,  Go Down, Twitter, and It's A Miracle.

If you hated this post,  I hope you have a lousy Purim!

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Not a Member of the Tribe? 

* Big Megillah --- a big deal
**Hang Haman --- Purim version of Hangman. Yep, we make it personal, folks!

Purim: You Are Who You Eat

YUMMY!

Thanks, Haman.

It’s oft been said that most Jewish holidays have but three basic components.

They are:

    1) Our enemies came to destroy us.
    2) We prevailed.
    3) We ate.

       There's one Jewish holiday, however, that adds the following additional point of order to our primary list of three:

          4) We ate them!

       That holiday, of course, is the upcoming spring festival of Purim, in which we celebrate the 400 B.C. victory of the Jewish people over the evil Royal Vizier Haman in Persia by feasting on his tri-cornered hat.  But as delicious as hamantashen (the pastry shaped like Haman's hat) are, it seems kind of a curious custom to celebrate triumph over one’s enemy by scarfing down an article of his clothing, no matter how mouth-watering yummy the clothing may be with a cherry filling.

Is it simply a way of “rubbing it in;” that is, consuming Haman’s hat after first stretching his neck?   In that case, why just his hat?  If we really want to show we’ve kicked the imperial keyster, why not chow down on his raincoat, briefcase, and car keys as well?  

Perhaps we eat Haman’s hat so heat will escape from the top of his head and  reduce his resistance to germs.  Then he’ll wind up in bed with the flu suffering as badly as the guy  at a Purim party seated next to an overactive 5-year-old with a grogger.  But Haman is already dead!  Wouldn’t it make better sense to eat the hat off of one of our enemies who’s still alive and kicking, like Almadinejad?

According to some sources, we’re actually not eating Haman’s hat at all --- we’re eating the ears off the side of his head!  That’s even less appealing, considering they had no Q-tips back in Persia circa 400 B.C. Interestingly enough, the custom of Eating our Enemy is spreading and soon even more body parts, personal effects, and memorabilia of other foes of the Jewish people may be finding their way onto your table:

Garden of Eden Gummy Serpents --- Yes, we’ve got to get ourselves back to the Garden to vanquish and ingest the original villain who did dirt unto the early folk who were to become the Hebrews.  Gummy Serpents come in two varieties --- with legs and legs free.

Garden of Eden Gummy Serpents are mostly a sugary treat for children, but if pounding down a few of the squiggly things helps return us all to the Serpent-less State of Nature with The Lady Eve sans vêtements as she’s depicted in the Holy Scriptures, what’s an extra 500 grams of sugar among Jews?

The Yul Brynner/Pharaoh Cheese Basket ---  Pharaoh is the quintessential villain of the Holy Scriptures, and to most of us  actor Yul Brynner is the physical embodiment of that villain. With no disrespect to the late legendary actor,  the mouthwatering Yul Brynner/Pharaoh Cheese and Crackers Basket has arrived!

The basket is graced with sculpted cheese figures of Yul as Pharaoh in his most memorable action poses from the movie “The Ten Commandments,”  including  the “Sound the Pursuit” Parmigiana, “God of Moses is a Poor General” Gorgonzola, and “His God is God” Gouda.  A plague on all ten of your houses if you don’t enjoy!

Grand Mufti Marshmallows --- The Grand Mufti of Jerusalem did his utmost to keep Jews from immigrating to Palestine, all the time sporting a headdress that rose so high above his head it looked like it was doing push-ups. So what could be more appropriate for your snacking pleasure than super fluffy Grand Mufti Marshmallows?

Just imagine your satisfaction watching Grand Mufti Marshmallows roasting and crackling over an open campfire!  That is, assuming there are any Jews around who know how to make a campfire.

Henry Ford Crankshaft Cookies --- Though times have certainly changed at the company he founded, Henry Ford was a cantankerous old coot who was no friend of the Jews.  Now eat the cranky crackpot’s crankcase with new Henry Ford Crankcase Cookies, each one shaped in the form of that aforementioned engine component as manufactured for the least successful car ever built by Ford Motor Company, the Edsel. Sure to sell lots better than the Edsel itself!

Mel Gibson Pound Cake --- The newest Jewish confection is a large pound cake with reviews of Mel Gibson’s most recent movies chiseled into the top.   The New York Times review of the motion picture The Beaver is highlighted at center.

Sadly I’ve heard that Mel Gibson Pound Cake is rather dry and tasteless.  That’s a shame, but it’s still worse for Mel than for us.

He’s got to eat his actual reviews.

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Grand Mufti Marshmallows 

You Can Eat Him, 

But You Can't Beat Them!
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Not a Member of the Tribe?

Grogger - noisemaker used to drown out the name of Haman