By The Skinner of Their Teeth (FF)

copyright Stephen Baum

"Hey, Fluffster, what are you doing?"

"Just running down the corridor of this box we're in, Whiskers, looking for ..." 

"I know what you’re looking for.  Cheese."

"Well, I ..."

"Don't you get it?  It's an experiment Dr. Skinner is conducting.  He puts cheese at the end of a corridor for a few days, then yanks it away. He wants to see how long it takes you to realize it's not there anymore."

"Yeah, but ..."

"Don't you realize he's playing you for a sap?!"

"But, Whiskers ..."

"There, look!  No cheese!"

"Which is great, just the way I want it."

"What?!!" 

"I hate the smell of cheese.  Anywhere it isn't is where I want to be."

~~~~~~~~~~~

And I agree with Fluffster, by the way; I hate cheese.  I feel so strongly about it I wrote a piece on it in the early days of this blog. Any other fromage-a-phobes out there?

I thought not.  Well, the other mostly cheese-eating Friday Fictioneers have taken a break from their brie to offer their takes on the picture prompt above, and you can access them by clicking here.  

I've been somewhat unable to keep up with comments lately on other Fictioneers' work.  Feel free to ignore me while this lasts or better yet, write a 100% honest comment, warts and all! (I don't actually have warts.)

Just don't leave me a cheese basket.

Adventures in Cheese Hating

Everyone has a certain food that they don’t like and for me, that food is cheese. I not only dislike the taste of cheese, I hate the look, smell, and feel of the greasy, gooey, godawful stuff.

I call it Fromage-a-Phobia.  

These are days of great tolerance in America. It’s perfectly acceptable to be an atheist, a Communist, in love with someone named “Trigger,” or even a fan of Kevin James. But it doesn’t seem to be OK to hate cheese. 

It got so bad that last week I landed in a psychiatrist's office.

"You What?!!" said Dr. Kropotkin. "You hate cheese?!"

"Yes, doctor.  My entire life has been an Adventure in Cheese Hating."

"So  you seek treatment for your perversion? I'm not sure that medical science has advanced far enough!"

"Speaking of advancing, doctor, I notice you seem to be advancing closer to the back door."

"Oh, the better to ...to ....to  hear you, my boy!"

"But you're actually farther away from me!"

"I'm ...umm ....  farsighted, except it's settled in my ears." 

"Oh, sure. I guess grabbing that letter opener also helps you hear?" 

"Do you not like any cheese?!  Not even Gouda!"

"No, for me Gouda is bada!"

"But a cheese shop!  You must love the smells inside a cheese shop?"

"The only cheese shop I like is Monty Python's, because it has no cheese."

"Haven't you ever eaten any cheese?!"

"Occasionally when I order something that even the wait person doesn't know contains some  cheese, like  certain soups or salads."

"What ... what .... happens then?"

"A spit take straight out of  the old Danny Thomas Show.  I could hit Danny Thomas and he's dead."

"I've heard quite enough! You... you ... "  

"Gee, now you've grabbed scissors too." 

"In your disrespect for cheese, sir, you trample on the traditions that form the heritage of America, those of God, family, and morality!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend your values.  I guess you're a conservative Republican?"

"No, no, I'm an anarchist! " 

"Gee,  you're almost out the door now."

"Sorry, I can't take a deranged person as a patient!

 Help! Help! Somebody help me!!!"

"What patient, doctor?  I just ducked in here to avoid the noxious cheese fumes from the cafe next door."

"Oh.  Okay, in that case I recommend Total Immersion Therapy." 

"What is that?" 

"Immerse yourself any place but here." 

"Thank you, doctor."

"And don't ever forget.  Gouda is GOOD-A!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like Out of This World!,  One of these Days ... and of course, Fromage-a-phobia.

If you hated this post,  go gag on some gorgonzola!

Purim: You Are Who You Eat

YUMMY!

Thanks, Haman.

It’s oft been said that most Jewish holidays have but three basic components.

They are:

    1) Our enemies came to destroy us.
    2) We prevailed.
    3) We ate.

       There's one Jewish holiday, however, that adds the following additional point of order to our primary list of three:

          4) We ate them!

       That holiday, of course, is the upcoming spring festival of Purim, in which we celebrate the 400 B.C. victory of the Jewish people over the evil Royal Vizier Haman in Persia by feasting on his tri-cornered hat.  But as delicious as hamantashen (the pastry shaped like Haman's hat) are, it seems kind of a curious custom to celebrate triumph over one’s enemy by scarfing down an article of his clothing, no matter how mouth-watering yummy the clothing may be with a cherry filling.

Is it simply a way of “rubbing it in;” that is, consuming Haman’s hat after first stretching his neck?   In that case, why just his hat?  If we really want to show we’ve kicked the imperial keyster, why not chow down on his raincoat, briefcase, and car keys as well?  

Perhaps we eat Haman’s hat so heat will escape from the top of his head and  reduce his resistance to germs.  Then he’ll wind up in bed with the flu suffering as badly as the guy  at a Purim party seated next to an overactive 5-year-old with a grogger.  But Haman is already dead!  Wouldn’t it make better sense to eat the hat off of one of our enemies who’s still alive and kicking, like Almadinejad?

According to some sources, we’re actually not eating Haman’s hat at all --- we’re eating the ears off the side of his head!  That’s even less appealing, considering they had no Q-tips back in Persia circa 400 B.C. Interestingly enough, the custom of Eating our Enemy is spreading and soon even more body parts, personal effects, and memorabilia of other foes of the Jewish people may be finding their way onto your table:

Garden of Eden Gummy Serpents --- Yes, we’ve got to get ourselves back to the Garden to vanquish and ingest the original villain who did dirt unto the early folk who were to become the Hebrews.  Gummy Serpents come in two varieties --- with legs and legs free.

Garden of Eden Gummy Serpents are mostly a sugary treat for children, but if pounding down a few of the squiggly things helps return us all to the Serpent-less State of Nature with The Lady Eve sans vêtements as she’s depicted in the Holy Scriptures, what’s an extra 500 grams of sugar among Jews?

The Yul Brynner/Pharaoh Cheese Basket ---  Pharaoh is the quintessential villain of the Holy Scriptures, and to most of us  actor Yul Brynner is the physical embodiment of that villain. With no disrespect to the late legendary actor,  the mouthwatering Yul Brynner/Pharaoh Cheese and Crackers Basket has arrived!

The basket is graced with sculpted cheese figures of Yul as Pharaoh in his most memorable action poses from the movie “The Ten Commandments,”  including  the “Sound the Pursuit” Parmigiana, “God of Moses is a Poor General” Gorgonzola, and “His God is God” Gouda.  A plague on all ten of your houses if you don’t enjoy!

Grand Mufti Marshmallows --- The Grand Mufti of Jerusalem did his utmost to keep Jews from immigrating to Palestine, all the time sporting a headdress that rose so high above his head it looked like it was doing push-ups. So what could be more appropriate for your snacking pleasure than super fluffy Grand Mufti Marshmallows?

Just imagine your satisfaction watching Grand Mufti Marshmallows roasting and crackling over an open campfire!  That is, assuming there are any Jews around who know how to make a campfire.

Henry Ford Crankshaft Cookies --- Though times have certainly changed at the company he founded, Henry Ford was a cantankerous old coot who was no friend of the Jews.  Now eat the cranky crackpot’s crankcase with new Henry Ford Crankcase Cookies, each one shaped in the form of that aforementioned engine component as manufactured for the least successful car ever built by Ford Motor Company, the Edsel. Sure to sell lots better than the Edsel itself!

Mel Gibson Pound Cake --- The newest Jewish confection is a large pound cake with reviews of Mel Gibson’s most recent movies chiseled into the top.   The New York Times review of the motion picture The Beaver is highlighted at center.

Sadly I’ve heard that Mel Gibson Pound Cake is rather dry and tasteless.  That’s a shame, but it’s still worse for Mel than for us.

He’s got to eat his actual reviews.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grand Mufti Marshmallows 

You Can Eat Him, 

But You Can't Beat Them!
_______________

Not a Member of the Tribe?

Grogger - noisemaker used to drown out the name of Haman 

Fromage-a-Phobia

The Attack of the Killer Cheeses!

Everyone has a certain food they don’t like, and for me that food happens to be cheese. I not only dislike the taste of cheese, I hate the look, smell, and feel of the greasy, gooey, god-awful stuff.

I call it “Fromage-a-Phobia.”

These are days of great tolerance in America. It’s perfectly acceptable to be an atheist, a socialist, or even a fan of ABBA.

But it’s not OK to hate cheese.

“So glad you could join us tonight” said Len Farbman the evening I dined at his home. “In honor of the occasion, Sheila has cooked her No. 1 specialty.  Ready, honey?”

“Here it comes!” called Sheila Farbman, foul smell preceding her as she emerged through the kitchen doors.

“It’s my very special Chicken a la Cheese, combining Parmesan, Muenster, and Limburger cheese blended in a tangy sauce!” exclaimed Sheila.

"Oh, my, how nice,” I sputtered. “But you see, I’m awfully sorry. I’m afraid I don’t eat cheese.”

“That’s crazy - everybody likes cheese!” croaked Farbman.

“Gee, I’m really, really sorry,” I stammered, growing increasingly uncomfortable with the toxic cheese fumes pervading the room. “I just don’t like cheese.”

“You’ll like this!” insisted unfazed Sheila as she cut a world-class size piece of Chicken a la Cheese and plopped it squarely on my plate. Cheese strings connected to the serving dish trailed the piece all the way over to my plate, a good foot and a half in length.

How truly appetizing, that quality of cooked cheese to behave like silly putty!

I really don’t know how I survived the evening though I suppose the ten minute gagging fit may inhibit future dinner invitations to the Farbman abode. Which is fine, because the prospect that I might be served cheese ice cream absolutely terrifies me.

I have a dream! 

I dream of a day when cheese-haters no longer face discrimination and oppression.  A day when we may proudly and freely and right out loud proclaim:

"I hate goddamn pizza!"

Until then, I search for others like me.

There!  Over there:  That woman at the seminar buffet, performing an emergency cheesectomy on a pre-made sandwich, delicately extricating that most execrable substance from its foul and unnatural points of forced contact with the edible meat, lettuce, and tomato. 

I approach, faint of breath but heart pounding with excitement.

“You too?” I murmur, looking nervously away.

“Yes,” she whispers, “I hate the damn stuff!  But please, I’m married.  I have children.”

“I’m discrete. Meet me clandestinely for lunch this week. 

I want to not eat cheese with you! 

Fortunately for those like us there is one true haven. One oasis of sanity and liberation from noxious cheese fumes and obnoxious cheese lovers.

There are Asian restaurants.

And no one, except for maybe the Farbmans, has yet to find a way to make General Tso’s Cheddar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The above drawing by Brian Peters, 1988. 

That's me running from all the terrifying cheeses. 
I have nightmares just like that.