I Drink, Therefore I Spill

I drink, therefore I spill.

I have spilled piping hot, freezing cold, and luke warm liquids of every kind and nature.

I have spilled upon carpeting, table cloths, chairs, sofas, shirts, pants, dresses, and furnishings and articles of clothing the names of which I don't even know.

I have spilled upon self, family, friends, neighbors, and people of every race, creed, and color.  

“Oh crap, I’m sorry!” is a major part of my vocabulary.

How do I spill?

1) Sitting at a table at business meeting or Bar Mitzvah, I reach for the salad dressing, bread, or cream and over goes my water glass onto the lap of the lady wearing the $4,000 dress or the man in the silk suit.

2) Making a grandiloquent hand gesture to accompany a conversational point, I send a glass, cup, pitcher, or wine bottle flying through the air onto an assemblage of two or three friends.  Actually, now former friends.

3) Failing to properly secure the lid to the coffee I am transporting from convenience store to car, I open the car door and, well, no wonder my upholstery is brown and it used to blue.

“Welcome to my apartment!” said my friend Roy to me and two other friends. “Can I get you guys anything to drink?”

“I’d love a Coke! Thanks, Roy.”

“Uh, Perry?”

“Yes, Roy?”

“I didn’t mean you. I meant the other guys.”

“Why not me?”

“Perry, this is a new sofa, it cost me 1500 bucks”.

“So?”

“The last time I was out with you in a restaurant I needed an umbrella!”

“I won’t spill, I promise.”

“Well ... okay.  Be please be careful!  Here’s a coke.”

“Thank you.  Now about that idiot Trump, I ... Oh crap, I’m sorry!”

Is spilling genetic?

If so, it probably wouldn’t be difficult to locate the dreaded Spill Gene as it busily bumps, upsets, and jostles all its surrounding genes. Scientists would merely have to check which chromosomes harbor genes constantly incurring unexpected dry cleaning bills.

So is there any hope for we who spill more than the beans each and every day?

Nope. Some truths are eternal. 

“I drink, therefore I spill.”

I raise my glass to you, Rene Descartes!

Oh, crap, Renee, I’m sorry! 

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A Martian Mission (FF)

FF- Friday Fictioneers

© Amy Reese

Striding down the long corridor from the Command Center to the Front Hatch of Martian Habitation Headquarters, Commander Kropotkin and Lieutenant Prine felt determined but deeply concerned.

“Commander,” said the Lieutenant, “I’m going to give this mission all I’ve got, but frankly I have my doubts.”

“Me too, Bud,” answered Commander Kropotkin. “But the Drugons have been appearing in force lately, and they’ve got to be stopped before it’s too late.”

The hatch opened and the two officers and friends leaped out of the Habitation Headquarters, weapons spewing poisonous fumes ferociously at every Drugon they could find.

“Know what?” said Prine, breathing a sigh of relief. “These Drugons aren’t half as tough as the weeds on Earth.”

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This may be my first post about weed, and hopefully you won't think I am endorsing it.  Because I don't endorse weed --- meaning those pesky things that grow around your house --- but even though I haven't smoked it in over 30 years, I will endorse dope (as we called it back then, although the term "weed" did exist as well) as long as you don't do it too much.

Too much being the degree to which I smoked it, which was every other minute. Better to fill those minutes  with the story offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above which you can get high on by clicking here.

Meanwhile I'm going to go pull out some Drugons. That's the toughest weed I can handle these days.

Hillary Clinton set to Debate Complete Idiot

 This coming Monday evening, September 26, Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton is scheduled to debate a complete idiot at 9:00 PM at Hofstra University Hempstead, New York.The debate is considered to be an extremely rare event in the history of American politics as never before has a candidate for president from one of the major two political parties gone one on one with a complete idiot.

The complete idiot in question knows nothing about world and domestic affairs, has no experience in government, and is so ignorant he thinks Merrick Garland is decoration for a Christmas tree.  Not only is he a complete idiot, he is a liar, a megalomaniac, and a fucking asshole.

Initially Clinton was scheduled to debate Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump but it has been decided that any complete idiot will do. The name of the complete idiot has not been released but viewers from coast to coast are not expected to notice any difference. 

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The Invited (FF)

 © Roger Bultot

FF- Friday Fictioneers

"Look, Jason, there's the mothership at last!  I'd know the sight of it anywhere."

"Me too, Hector!  All year long I've been drawing sketches and building scale models of it, driving everyone nuts with my crazy obsession."

"I even made a full size replica of the ship out of mashed potatoes."

"Incredible, dude! How did that turn out?" 

"Delicious!"

"There's no question, Hector, we were invited!"

"Yes, we were.  Although I'm a little annoyed the invitation didn't say we could bring a date."

"C’mon,  let’s go run for the mothership!"

"Okay! Wonder who or what we'll find in there, Jason."

"God only knows, dude. I just hope it isn't scrawny little bald guys with bug eyes and no hair.” 

"Yeah, that would be so boring."

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From "Close Encounters of the Third Kind."

Well, there you have it - you've experienced a close encounter of the third kind, and you weren't even invited! Sorry about the boring derivative aliens.

The stories and posts of the other Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt at the top of the page will appear if you click here.   You should have a close encounter with as many of them as you can. 

Okay, I'm going to go and finish that mashed potato mother ship now. Hey, you got any butter?