Eleanor Roosevelt: Ghostbuster!

Who You Gonna Call?

History has a way of oftentimes throwing us a curve that no one ever expects, especially if you are a batter on the 2012 Philadelphia Phillies of the NL East Division of Major League Baseball. Nowhere has this proven more true than in recent incredible revelations regarding certain great American Presidential figures whose lives and legacies we all thought we had long fully known and understood.  

It began with shocking discoveries about our 16th President revealed in the book and movie Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and continued with astounding revelations  that President Ulysses S. Grant was a talented mime,  Woodrow Wilson a sought-after caterer, and George W. Bush an alien abductee whom, sadly, the aliens decided to throw back.

But the most incredible and explosive revelation of all about a resident of the White House concerns not a President, but a First Lady.  And that First Lady is none other than the widely admired and highly respected wife of 32nd President of the United States Franklin Delano Roosevelt, the implacable woman who from now on will forever be known as ....

  Eleanor Roosevelt:  Ghostbuster!

In his  superb new book, Who You Gonna Call?,  Dr. Peter Venkman maintains that Mrs. Roosevelt was indeed the one to call morning, noon, and night if you found a wayward demon, succubus, or arch-fiend from Hell sitting on your doorstep, trying on your underwear, or trying to register you Republican.

"Mrs. Roosevelt developed an active interest in the paranormal," writes Venkman, "to distract herself from her husband's dalliances with social secretaries Lucy Mercer and the aptly named Missy LeHand.  It was Eleanor who, concerned about alarming the Depression era populace, counseled her husband to delete the word sliming from an important line in his inaugural address and replace it with the words  fear itself."

As America entered World War II, Mrs. Roosevelt turned her parapsychological talents to the defense of her country.  "The Axis Powers will be fully unstoppable," Eleanor wrote in her journal of August 14, 1942, "if  Hitler, Mussolini,  and Hirohito should ever team up with the ginormous Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Even I can't resist his fluffy goodness!" 

Mrs. Roosevelt became convinced that the Allies' only hope to was to convince the Marshmallow Man to convert to Judaism. Unfortunately Roosevelt's efforts in this regard foundered when a  specially arranged meeting with Secretary of the Treasury Henry Morgenthau failed to induce in the Marshmallow Man the desired religious fervor to wear a 45 foot tallis knitted by the multi-talented Mrs. Roosevelt herself  while Secretary Morgenthau for his part gained 57 pounds of pure unadulterated sugar fat!  

Following the death of Franklin Roosevelt and until her own death, Eleanor continued her distinguished career of writing, speaking, campaigning for human and civil rights, and wrestling barehanded creatures so odious and disgusting Hagrid from Harry Potter would have jumped up on a chair screaming "Eeeek!"   

And so, as we today newly honor Abraham Lincoln not only for saving the Union but for saving things from sucking way more than they might have,  we also honor anew Anna Eleanor Roosevelt.    So, who you gonna call, boys and girls? 

 Eleanor Roosevelt: Ghostbuster!

Can't wait for the movie.   Scarlett Johansson as Mrs R.,  anybody?

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The God Particle Makes You An Offer

This is it!*

It has been called the "God Particle."     

And its likely discovery earlier this week has the world's top physicists as giddy and exhilarated as a slightly post pubescent teenage girl about to be French kissed by the Biebs, minus the hot and sticky panties.

The particle causing all the hoo-ha is the Higgs boson, thought by physicists to be the basic building block of the universe and one of the few building blocks not manufactured by Mattel or Tonka. Scientists believe that the Higgs boson has been observed by use of an immense particle accelerator in Geneva Switzerland that serves as a sort of bumper car for protons,  propelling gleeful protons head-first into one another and coming to a stop just as the protons are really getting into it.  

The Higgs boson has been nicknamed the "God Particle" because physicists long believed it had a long white beard and demanded animal sacrifice, but bosons have now been determined to be clean shaven.  Who or what may be small enough to have shaved them remains shrouded in mystery, but many physicists believe it was Daniel Radcliffe.

As for the theory about animal sacrifice, the hunt is on for teeny weeny itty bitty sheep!

Here's what has been learned so far about the little particle that could, the Higgs boson : 

What is the world of the Higgs boson like?  What if we could be shrunk down to the size of the smallest particle in the universe?
Not sure about you, but I wouldn't like it.

What is the Higgs boson itself composed of?
Milk chocolate, but after billions of years it's kind of stale.

Is the activity of the Higgs boson stable?
Generally, except on Saturday nights and those Jewish holidays which feature wine. 

Does the Higgs boson vibrate?
Amazing!  Here's one of the greatest discoveries in the history of the universe and still all you can think about is sex!

What color is the Higgs boson?
They come in red, blue, and floral green.   Matching neutrons are available but must be shipped from neighboring atoms at generally prohibitive cost. 

Does the Higgs boson have a sexual orientation? 
Yes. Openly gay.

Are there more grains of sand at the beach or Higgs bosons in your left ass cheek?
It is a tie. 

If the Higgs boson is the smallest object in the universe, what is the largest?
Chris Christie.   Ta-Dum!

What exactly is a boson?  
A boson is a tiny sub-atomic particle that is one letter off from being the word "bosom."

Why do some people giggle when they say or hear the word "boson?"
No idea.

Can the God Particle make you an offer you can't refuse?
Yes.  And if you do not accept, you may wake up with a quark's head in your bed.

Did Alex Trebeck know about the existence of the Higgs boson?
All along.

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* Yes, I was so excited to hear about the discovery of the God Particle, I lost my lunch! (depicted above)

How to Tell A Good Health Care Plan From A Not So Good One

Welcome to USA Hale & Hearty! 

As we all know by now, last week Chief Justice of the Supreme Court John Roberts issued a ruling in the Affordable Care Act litigation before the Court that has been hailed as a true groundbreaking landmark decision!

In all the history of American jurisprudence, it's the first time that land (also known as ground) has been both marked and broken at the same time.   

Chief Justice Roberts has ruled that the Federal government does not have the power to make people buy health care insurance, although it can require you to tweet about the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes breakup if in fact you haven't already done so by Close of Business (COB) July 6, 2012.  

However, Justice Roberts has also ruled that the government does have the power to tax people for not buying insurance, providing Democrats the Obamacare they sought and Republicans the opportunity to scream "there they go again, raising your taxes!"  even though up until the nanosecond the ruling was announced not even the most rabid right wing crazy who ardently believes that Barack Obama is not only an Agent of the Devil but is  also regularly screwing the Devil by charging him an extra 2 1/2 % was even mumbling in his sleep about taxes.   

Judge Roberts has thus  carefully crafted a compromise that provides fresh ammunition for both sides to attack and demonize each other, and isn't that what it's all about?

Under the SCOTUS decision, by 2014 many Americans will be required to purchase medical insurance who don't have the mental acuity to purchase a paper clip.  The following guide, How to Tell A Good Health Care Plan from a Not So Good One, is for all those good folks, which certainly includes you and me.

The guide is fairly slipshod and probably won't help much, but it's guaranteed never to be declared unconstitutional.

HOW TO TELL A GOOD HEALTH CARE PLAN

FROM A NOT SO GOOD ONE

Good Sign: Your health care plan is called USA Hale & Hearty,  AmeriGold, or Quality Care Plus.

Not So Good Sign:  Your health care plan is called USA Frail & Fragile, AmeriCrap, or Three Gobs & a Gal in White.

Good Sign:  Many of the doctors in your health care plan have on the walls of their office a  framed copy of the Hippocratic Oath or Maimonides Prayer for the Physician.

Not So Good Sign: Many of the doctors in your health care plan have on the walls of their office a framed copy of that poster that says "Shit Happens!"

Good Sign: Your health care plan provides a comprehensive network of high quality medical professionals representing a broad cross-section of diverse medical specialties.  

Not So Good Sign: Fully two-thirds of the medical professionals in your health care plan list their medical specialty as "shaman."

Good Sign: Your health care plan provides low deductibles for the medical services you require so you do not incur excessive out of pocket costs which threaten your family's budget.

Not So Good Sign:  Payment for medical services begins promptly following removal of your spleen.

Good Sign:  When you ask your doctor about his qualifications,  he informs you that he is a graduate of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, Board Certified in Family Practice and Internal Medicine, and a recognized authority and sought-after speaker in several highly specialized areas of medical practice. 

Not So Good Sign:  When you ask your doctor about his qualifications, he tells you "They threw me out of the University at Heidelberg!  They called me mad!"

Good Sign:  You went into the hospital yesterday for an emergency appendectomy and were discharged feeling fine after a fully successful procedure.

Not So Good Sign:  You went into the hospital yesterday for an emergency appendectomy and were discharged with a red marker across your groin reading "OOOPS!" and an introductory letter to the conductor of the Vienna All-Boys Choir. 

 Good Sign: When you ask your doctor to review all the treatment alternatives available for your recently diagnosed condition, she carefully and comprehensively explains all the treatment options,  providing a frank assessment of the pluses and minuses of each.  

Not So Good Sign:  When you ask your doctor to review all the treatment alternatives available for your recently diagnosed condition, she turns to you and says "You talkin' to me?"

Good Sign:  After childbirth, your health care plan provides a full three-day hospital stay where you receive impeccable medical care as you regain strength so that you may fully and confidently care for your precious newborn child.

Not So Good Sign:  Fifteen minutes after giving birth, your health care plan has you arrested for loitering. 

Good Sign:  Should you elect to utilize a doctor who is not included as a member of your plan's preferred provider network, you still receive a high degree of coverage for all of the medical services he or she provides.

Not So Good Sign:  Should you elect to utilize a doctor who is not included as a member of plan's preferred provider network, you still receive a high degree of coverage for the medical service known as "Saying Ah."

Good Sign: Your monthly health care bill is affordable and reasonable.

Not So Good Sign: Your monthly health care bill actually plays the theme to Jaws as you remove it from the envelope. 

Good Sign:  All the doctors in your health care plan's network are wise and experienced practitioners of the healing arts.

Not So Good Sign:  Your doctor is so young and inexperienced that when the appointment is over, you give him a lollypop.

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Welcome to AmeriCrap!

Saving the Earth with Brooke

Talk about Global Warming!

Although my middle name will never be "Green," I do my best to be a competent environmentalist most of the time.

I recycle dutifully, always stop to admire the beauty of nature on my way to the fast food joint, casino, or honky-tonk bar, and never throw an empty coke can into the trash rather than the recycling whenever there's a mouthy 11 year old anywhere about.

But for the last several years, my efforts to save the planet have been put to the test.  It all began the day that tall, blonde, and beauteous actress Brooke Alexander became the spokesperson in a serious of memorable TV spots for the American Petroleum Institute (API)  a/k/a "The People of America's Oil and Natural Gas Industry."

You've seen them, I'm sure.  

Stylishly clad in a well-tailored and handsomely fitting black business suit, Ms. Alexander strides regally across a map of the United States and deftly weaves between images of modern industry,  wheat fields, and dedicated professionals while informing us that today's Oil and Gas Industry supports almost as many American jobs as William Shatner has had since Star Trek was cancelled in 1969. 

Ms. Alexander explains that although alternative forms of energy like solar panels,  hydro-generation, and harnessing Donald Trump's mouth are important,  oil and natural gas have the capacity to provide energy to heat millions of homes and power millions of cars for the next 60 years, and after 60 years we'll all be dead anyway. 

Luminous smile ablaze, Ms. Alexander adds that most people favor that governmental policies regulating of oil and natural gas be changed.  Though left unsaid, the impression created is that "changed" as utilized here may well be interpreted as "taken for a ride and dumped in the East River." 

It isn't just that Brooke Alexander is drop dead gorgeous that makes me want to believe everything she says, even if she says we should all ingest lumps of coal or seed the clouds with premium gasoline charged to my own personal Visa card. The reason I want to believe each and every word that flows from the mouth of Brooke Alexander like oil from BP into the Gulf of Mexico is because in addition to being gorgeous,  she's frankly kind of old! 

She's not as old as I am, of course.  But in the world of television, anyone onscreen over the age of 30 is usually either the brother-in-law of the producer or someone loitering on the set whom Security carelessly failed to whisk away before the cameras began rolling. 

The 48 year old Brooke Alexander, obviously chosen in part because her quasi-advanced age makes her appear mature and credible, is one of the few older TV pitch persons not shilling for arthritis medication or Cialis for the man in her life's daily use. And at age 48, Ms. Alexander is somewhat in my market, assuming my market consists of beautiful, accomplished, and successful women who are in no other conceivable way in my market other being within 13 years of my age. 

 So what am I to do? 

I want to save the environment, but I want Brooke Alexander in that environment.

I am concerned about the polar ice cap melting.  But talk about melting, just look at that smile!

Fracking?   Write your own joke.  

But suffice it to say that if Brooke Alexander were to look in my eyes and simply say the word "fracking," I'd probably join the Republican Party on the spot!

I guess, after all, I'm not about to be saving the Earth with Brooke any time soon.  Or despoiling it with her either.  But at least one good thing's come of it all:  Brooke Alexander has motivated me to write a letter to my Congressperson. And I'm going to do it right now!

Dear Mr. Meehan: 

I am writing to urge you to support strong and effective environmental regulation wherever and whenever warranted. 

Although the concerns and competitiveness of  American business must always be taken into consideration, the most important consideration must always be the safety of all Americans and the future well-being of our planet.

Thank you.

Perry Block

P.S.  Any chance you can get me a date with Brooke Alexander?

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