I'm a little late to the party in putting together my resolutions for 2018, but it's little wonder because I wasn't even invited to the party.
I'm ready now. Just watch me as I sink my teeth into the following resolutions! And leave my teeth stuck in the following resolutions.
For 2018, I resolve to:
1) Resign my presidency of the Kevin Spacey Fan Club.
2) Never play golf with Trump at Mar-A-Lago unless he allows me to hit from the Ladies Tees.
3) Demonstrate my support of the #MeToo movement by always waiting a couple of minutes after everyone's left the room before pulling a Louis C.K.
4) Welcome my new grandchild into the world! Since I don't expect to have one, I'm marking this one down right now as Fully Kept!
5) Become Roy Moore's Jew attorney.
6) Never spill drinks at any time.I won't spill. I'm positive of that! I'm going to put all my energy into never fucking spilling!!! I won't spill I tell you!!! Never!!! Never ever!!! ..... (Oh, crap, I'm sorry.)
7) Go to a boner doctor. Maybe medical science has advanced since last time.
8) "Forget my troubles, c'mon get happy, I'm gonna chase all my cares away, shout hallelujah, c'mon get happy, I'm comin' to the judgment day; the sun is shinin', c'mon get happy, the lord is waitin' to take my hand, shout hallelujah, c'mon get happy, I'm goin' to the Promised Land ..." and then I'm gonna go out and get totally shit faced.
9) Resign my presidency of the Charlie Rose Fan Club. Damn it, the one lousy thing in my life that made me feel like an intellectual!
10) Drink eight glasses of water a day. Then sink every cent I've got in Class A Depends stock.
Match That, Folks!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!