University of Havertown
April 4, 2013
Mr. Henry Murkish
157 Crumlish Creek
Brackish, ND 25709
Re: Your Application to the University of Havertown
On behalf of the University of Havertown, I have some good news and some bad news regarding your recent application to attend the University beginning with the fall semester of 2013. The bad news is that you have been rejected. The good new is that this letter is printed on 100% recycled paper.
This year we have been blessed with a large number of highly qualified individuals applying to the freshman class at Havertown, and we are simply unable to admit all of the talented applicants that we would have ideally wished to have join us at the University. Considering this, how on earth could you have ever expected us to admit the likes of you???
We realize that this rejection may be especially upsetting for you in light of the fact that the University of Havertown is a diploma mill. Rest assured that our decision is based on a thorough review of your qualifications and our firm conviction that there is absolutely nothing in your background or experience to cause us to believe that even under the best of circumstances with an obscene number of breaks miraculously going your way and given the benefit of multiple doubts you might ever be able to successfully pose as a sham neurosurgeon.
If, however, you would like to switch your degree from Faux Neurosurgery to Faux English, your application will be reconsidered and you will be accepted immediately.
Hopefully you have applied to a number of safety diploma mills and you will soon be well on your way to a degree which is literally worth less than the paper it's printed on. Remember to steer clear of the University of Phoenix as it is a legitimate school that requires actual effort, study, and work.
That we wouldn't wish even on you!
With all best regards,
Dean of Admissions
University of Havertown
Molding young minds since .... hey, now it's six or seven weeks!
Hopefully very few 12th grade students received letters like this one this spring, but the truth is that it's as hard to get into college anymore as it is to find a laugh in the last 45 minutes of Saturday Night Live!
Kids have to pull down super grades, participate in multiple activities, play sports, usher in an era of universal brotherhood and world peace, be a sushi chef, discover planets, be able to spell "Massachusetts," and write the great American novel and direct the movie version in order to gain entrance into a top-notch college or university that will provide them with the type of quality education to qualify for today's demanding minimum wage jobs.
It's so bad out there that one young woman recently wrote a column in the Wall Street Journal lamenting her failure to be admitted into her desired colleges under the title To All The Colleges That Rejected Me. I would have empathy for her, but since she is obviously on her way to a mega-successful career as a humor blogger at age 18 and I'm not (successful or age 18), I wouldn't admit the brat to the University of Havertown!
When it comes to whiny tantrum-throwing, I can play with the best!
Fortunately none of this applies to my son Brandon Block, who has gotten into one of his chosen colleges and is well on his way to someplace he wants to be next fall. Congratulations, Brandon!
Maybe you can take young Henry Murkish under your wing?