He's Leaving Home, Bye-Bye

No summer ever lasts long enough, but this summer has passed more swiftly than the career of a reality star.  That's because this summer --- the one that's just now bitten the dust ---  was the last summer before my son Brandon went off to college.

A child leaving home to begin college years is a rite of passage many parents would rather pass on than pass through.  Yes, we want our children to have an exciting, stimulating, and rewarding college experience which will enrich them for the rest of their lives. We want them also to never leave the house.

"Welcome to Johns Hopkins!" beamed just about everyone we encountered yesterday as we moved  Brandon into school.  "Brandon, we know you're going to love it here!"

"And, Dad, we're spiriting your son away and you're never going to see him again!"

Everything seemed so nice at college.   Friendly faces of students and staff everywhere. Lovely green campus. Promises of courses and activities to suit every taste, talent, and temperament. Special receptions, outdoor cafes,  loads of cute girls! Why would Brandon ever want to return home?  

To watch me color my beard and type blog posts nobody reads?

It seemed such a short time ago I was trundling him off to his first day of kindergarten. All that crying and screaming; I thought I'd never calm down! Wasn't it just a couple of weeks ago we were collecting Beanie Babies and watching Rug Rats?  Actually it was, but Brandon wasn't there.  Why hadn't he shown up for any of that fun stuff the last 11 years? 

By the time move-in day was over, Brandon was fully ensconced in his new digs with a couple of new friends in tow waiting for him to eat.  "Now, Dad," he said as I prepared for the lonely drive home, "feel free to come down and visit me any time you like!"  

That's m' boy! 

"Just call for an appointment first.  Maybe a couple of weeks or so in advance."

Fortunately, there were no steep cliffs on the drive back home!

So what do I do now?  Many people have suggested I get myself a dog, an idea which has some appeal.  After all, a dog is man's best friend. Why not get myself a nice Irish Setter or Shetland Sheepdog?

"Here boy, here boy!" I'll call to him. "Fetch the ball and I'll reward you with a discussion  of the latest Coen Brothers' movie!  Come on, here's a milk bone, what books you reading lately? You think the President should act on Syria?  Hey, why aren't you talking?"

Maybe I'll think about a cat instead. 

I guess there's just no way to put the genie back in the bottle or the kid back in the crib, and that's what it's all about. True, I haven't accepted my own aging, but Brandon's aging is different, exciting, full of potential.  Things may never be exactly as they were, but that doesn't mean they won't be good. And much of it, I'm sure, is gonna be great. 

So this is one bit of change I think maybe I can embrace.  I'll try.

Do cats discuss Kurt Vonnegut?

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A New Joke for Humanity

LOL!  LMAO!  ROTFLMAO!

(It's all good.)

As many of you know, I happen to be somewhat of an inventor. And in my sincere hope of bringing merriment and joy to the world, I have invented a totally new form of humor!  

I call it the New Joke for Humanity. (pat. pend.)

Never mind the fact that last year I invented the world's first pair of pants that makes you look Jewish.  Although I was quite proud of the patented "Crouch Control" spandex  feature, not only did my pants fail to catch on with the American public, I'm facing lawsuits from half a dozen men who bought them including one guy who came down with something called "Inverted Penis Syndrome" who's being represented by Alan Dershowitz.

But the New Joke for Humanity will be different. 

We live in an age crying out for humor. "Shit My Dad Says" still has three million followers, Kristin Wiig is given a send-off on Saturday Night Live as if she were Charlie Chaplin, and in some remote pockets of the northernmost reaches of the central United States, Jay Leno is considered sporadically amusing.  

So several weeks ago I retreated to my Comedy Laboratory  (Note to Self:  Invent Comedy Laboratory)  intent on creating  a joke guaranteed to make you laugh your bejesus off!  BTW, unlike your ass, you can survive quite well without a functioning bejesus. 

After weeks of working feverishly without food, drink, or rest --- which will be condensed into an action-packed montage when the movie is made --- I fashioned the first three prototypes of my New Joke for Humanity: 

• "I just can't remember how you describe an article of clothing for someone of average build," the medium sighs.

• "I just can't remember the name of that famous drag queen," rued Paul.

• “Be-be, be-be,-be-be, I just can’t remember the name of that animal with the-the q-q-q-quills,” Porky opined. 

Cute premise, huh?  Thank you very much!

How do I know I have actually invented this revolutionary new joke format and that no person before me has ever scaled the heights of this incredible Mt. Everest of Comedy? 

Frankly I've conducted extensive and painstaking research in dusty libraries, esoteric museums, out-of-the-way antiques shops, and third-rate comedy clubs all throughout the world (or Google has) and found only one instance in history of the existence of a similar joke. That joke was delivered by an obscure young Greek comic named Drolius at open mike night in the Athens Lyceum in 427 BC. 

He did orate as follows:

• "As sure as I am  the greatest philosopher of all time, I forget what I did to Plato that night he and I spent together in a cave," butted in Socrates.

It didn't get a laugh.  Drolius went on to sell aluminum siding for Ionic and Corinthian split levels.  

So when it comes to the New Joke for Humanity, I be da man!

Here, Humanity!   A few exemplars of the world's newest joke to LOL you to sleep:

• "As sure as I am the former star quarterback for the now defunct Baltimore Colts, I can't remember the name of the country I live in," Johnny Unitas states.

• "As sure as I am the popular older actor named Van Dyke,  I just don't know what I should have done to show my new young wife that part of my body I want her to pay most attention to," pointed out Dick.

• "I can't seem to remember how I got that tough stain out of my shirt last week," Ida shouted out.

• "As sure as I am the founder of a University in Baltimore named Hopkins, I just cannot remember what my former wife who is a trial judge does when she picks up her gavel to keep order in the court,"  Johns expounds.

• "I can't seem to remember the name of the capital of American's second largest state," Austin texts us.

• "And as sure as I'm a famous British actor named Michael, I can't remember the name of the second largest city in Washington State," spoke Caine.

• "As sure as I'm the founder of Motown, I can't remember the name of that small round red fruit," rasped Berry Gordy.

• "As sure as I'm the late Chicago author named Turkel, I just cannot remember what happened that night when everyone on the Chicago Bulls had sex," Studs ejaculated. 

Want to play around with the New Joke for Humanity yourself?  Be my guest!   But you better do it now!   Once the patent issues, there will be royalties.  Big time. 

"Because as sure as I'm that young-looking sportscaster named Bob,  never forget what'll happen if any one of us tries to make unauthorized use of Perry's invention," jokes Costas!  

Humanity is one thing, my friends.  Business is another!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I just don't remember what happened that time we had sex twice in one night," he came back at her.