Dear College Applicant ...

University of  Havertown
Havertown PA

                                                            Molding young minds since several weeks ago.

April 4, 2013

Mr. Henry Murkish
157 Crumlish Creek
Brackish, ND 25709

Re: Your Application to the University of Havertown

Dear Henry:

On behalf of the University of Havertown, I have some good news and some bad news regarding your recent application to attend the University beginning with the fall semester of 2013.  The bad news is that you have been rejected. The good new is that this letter is printed on 100% recycled paper.

This year we have been blessed with a large number of highly qualified individuals applying to the freshman class at Havertown,  and we are simply unable to admit all of the talented applicants that we would have ideally wished to have join us at the University.  Considering this, how on earth could you have ever expected us to admit the likes of you???

We realize that this rejection may be especially upsetting for you in light of the fact that the University of Havertown is a diploma mill. Rest assured that our decision is based on a thorough review of your qualifications and our firm conviction that there is absolutely nothing in your background or experience to cause us to believe that even under the best of circumstances with an obscene number of breaks miraculously going your way and given the benefit of multiple doubts you might ever be able to successfully pose as a sham neurosurgeon.

If, however, you would like to switch your degree from Faux Neurosurgery to Faux English, your application will be reconsidered and you will be accepted immediately.

Hopefully you have applied to a number of safety diploma mills and you will soon be well on your way to a degree which is literally worth less than the paper it's printed on. Remember to steer clear of the University of Phoenix as it is a legitimate school that requires actual effort, study, and work.

That we wouldn't wish even on you!

With all best regards, 

Perry Block
Dean of Admissions

University of Havertown                           

Molding young minds since .... hey, now it's six or seven weeks!

**************

Hopefully very few 12th grade students  received letters like this one this spring, but the truth is that it's as hard to get into college anymore as it is to find a laugh in the last 45 minutes of Saturday Night Live!

Kids have to pull down super grades, participate in multiple activities, play sports, usher in an era of universal brotherhood and world peace, be a sushi chef, discover planets, be able to spell "Massachusetts," and write the great American novel and direct the movie version in order to gain entrance into a top-notch college or university that will provide them with the type of quality education to qualify for today's demanding minimum wage jobs.

It's so bad out there that one young woman recently wrote a column in the Wall Street Journal lamenting her failure to be admitted into her desired colleges under the title To All The Colleges That Rejected Me.   I would have empathy for her,  but since she is obviously on her way to a mega-successful career as a humor blogger at age 18 and I'm not (successful or age 18), I wouldn't admit the brat to the University of Havertown!

When it comes to whiny tantrum-throwing, I can play with the best!

Fortunately none of this applies to my son Brandon Block, who has gotten into one of his chosen colleges and is well on his way to someplace he wants to be next fall.   Congratulations, Brandon!

Maybe you can take young Henry Murkish under your wing?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rejection's Like That

There’s but one thing in all the world that links every last one of us. Even people as different as you, me, and the unemployed guy who used to be Vice President in Charge of Morale at NBC.

All of us hate rejection! And that applies every bit as much to the inestimable Rejecter as it does to the lowly Rejectee.

Frankly I don’t know how professional Human Resources recruiters handle the rejection --- that is, the dishing out of it. A regular part of their regular grind is telling job-longing folk a longed-for job will not become a regular part of their regular grind. Think how bad you’re feeling right now for rejecting me just for that ridiculous and annoying last sentence! 

As a a former HR professional who has handled recruitment matters, I have always anguished over how to tell unsuspecting applicants the vote on their employable worth has been multiple thumbs down. As someone who is not exactly a bastion of personal security myself, I’ll put myself through sheer living hell to avoid putting anyone else through modestly living heck!

“So what did you do with the guy you interviewed last week you said was all wrong for the job,” asked my colleague Bruce. “Get back to him?”

Of course I did! I haven’t pulled the old “no call back” trick since I broke up with my barber in 1982 after he neatly trimmed off half my ear, but at least then evened the other with it.

Yes, I might have just sent the standard letter/e-mail:

“While we were very impressed with your qualifications, we are seeking someone whose specific experience more closely comports with the requirements of the position.”

But every job seeker on the planet knows that this letter, as translated from the original Sanskrit, means “take a hike, loser --- if possible, on an unmarked boulder-strewn trail abutting a deep and gaping natural chasm!"

"We're keeping your resume on file for future opportunities."

the letter often reassuringly continues.  Actually "we're keeping your resume on file for laughs" is how the original Sanskrit actually translates.

So, I made the personal phone call. Nervously, tentatively, I made the call.

 “George, this is Perry Block! How are you?”

“Oh, Hi, Mr. Block!” It was unmistakable – that sound of positive anticipation in his voice. Eliciting that sound of very negative anticipation in mine.

“George, I called to say that ... umm ...we are very impressed with your qualifications ... but, uh, we are seeking someone, uhhh .....”

No, I didn’t exactly get the message across to George. I’ll have to do that tonight at dinner just after the movie.  Probably Avatar.

God, I hate rejection!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~