Monday, July 9, 2018

A Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute Exclusive: Trump Reads a Book!





Oh boy, this isn’t going to be easy.

In fact, this may be the toughest thing I have to do in all the 16 years I serve as the President of the United States, Leader of the Free World, and very smart person who went to Wharton.

I am going to read a book.

Ivanka left me three books but I’m only going to read one because as Commander in Chief of the greatest military force in the history of the world, I’m much too busy for reading unless it’s my scorecard at Mar-A-Lago.

Okay, let’s take a look at the first … 

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …”

Wait a minute! What does that mean?  That makes about as much sense as any of my cabinet appointments!

Oh, I see.

One of those statements is Fake News.

If Trump is President, it is “the Best of Times” that anyone has ever seen before in the history of the world, even though the failing New York Times is reporting that it is “the Worst of Times,” which is Fake News. But if the Failing New York Times is reporting that it’s “the Best of Times,” that’s Fake News because it is really “the Worst of Times,” because Obama is President and he is from Kenya.

I couldn’t have said it better myself!

This Charles Dickens is an example of somebody who's done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more!

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This one is called The Great Gatsby.

Bet he’s not as great as me!  He’s probably just a Fair to Middling Gatsby!

Hmm, he is a rich guy, though, and he calls everyone Old Sport.

“Hello, Kim-Jong-on, how are you, Old Sport?   How’s the denuclearization going, Old Sport?”

“Roderigo Duterte!  Murder any un-convicted drug dealers lately, Old Sport?”

“Vlad, Old Sport, why …”

What’s that name you just called me, Old Sport? 

Old Wart? You're calling me 'Old Wart?'

What a great nickname, Old Sport, I love it!”

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Here’s the last one, Ulysses by Joyce.

Look at how long it is! How many tweets did it take for this Joyce chick to write all this?

Hah, I’ve heard this one is sleazy, got itself banned in Boston!

Stately, Plump Buck Mulligan came from the Stair head, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and razor lay crossed.  A yellow dressing gown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him..

What? A guy in a bathrobe? Where’s the sex?

And who’s this dude Stephen Daedalus?  What kind of name is Stephen Daedalus?  It’s all Greek to me!

Let’s jump to the end.

“When he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him … Now we’re getting somewhere!…yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes And his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.“
And then?! 

Where’s the rest of it?  Where’s the pussy-grabbing? And whatever happened to stately, plump Buck Mulligan?

I don’t wanna read any of these books.

“Rudy, get in here! Bring me my jammies, get me a drink of water, and read me this book by the Joyce woman and see if you can find me the dirty parts.”

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