The Trump Health Care Plan, Fact Checked for You

Don't even try to thank me!

I have fact-checked for you the statement of Donald J. Trump in support of the new Republican health care plan, and as you may have guessed, there are some discrepancies between the truth and what the Baby President asserts.

Trump's Statement

“For eight long years this nation has endured the complete disaster known as Obamacare. (False. The law wasn’t passed until 2010.)

Now Obamacare is collapsing under its own weight. (False. The only thing collapsing under its own weight is Trump.)

Costs are soaring, insurers are rapidly pulling out of the market, and Americans are dying in the streets! (False. Except for Americans dying in the streets from gun violence.)  

But Obamacare will soon be replaced by something wonderful!  There will be better coverage, lower costs, and better care! (False, False, and False. Nice symmetry to those answers, huh?) 

And everyone in the country will be covered!  (False, although everyone will be covered after all those not covered die off.)

The new plan is called RyanCare. It is not now and never will be called TrumpCare. (False. You're going to be stuck with it, jerk!)

How bad have things been under the disastrous Obamacare? Premiums are so high many Americans are skipping Europe this year. (False. Many Americans are skipping Europe this year because they're ashamed to show their faces because they elected you.) 

Medical resources are stretched so thin that doctors are reusing tongue depressors, playing tapes of Tracey Morgan's stand up comedy during operations instead of using anesthetic, and handing out lolly pops to kids at the end of their appointments in that green flavor nobody likes. (False. I actually like that flavor.)

I've even heard that former television celebrity Billy Bush, whom I never liked, is now a practicing gynecologist in Milwaukee!  (True.)

RyanCare must pass and pass now! If it does not, I'm going to do absolutely nothing and let Obamacare implode and destroy everyone on the planet! (False. The planet is secure.)  

Of course, I will blame Hillary Clinton for it all. (False. He will blame Crooked Hillary.)

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Your One-Stop Shop for Obamacare: PerryCare.gov!

PerryCare.gov
Exclusive to Nouveau Old Formerly Cute!

I am delighted to present PerryCare.gov!, Your One-Stop Shop for Obamacare.

This is the first ever fully functional 100% ready-to-use Affordable Care Act Information and Election Website, and it's yours exclusively to take advantage of as a reader of  Perry Block -Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute!  

Please do not reveal the location of this website to any mommy blogger.

How did  I manage to put this together when the United States Government is still trying to figure out how to underline and indent in Microsoft Word?  Simple. I paid the entrance fee to Philadelphia Comic-Con 2013 for two 14 year olds.   Two or three days later we were open for business!

Four Ways? Forget 'Em All! PerryCare.gov is your One-Stop Shop to: 

1) Review all health care plans available to you from a range of fine companies like Blue Cross, Aetna, Humana, Bill and Ted's Excellent Health Care, the Kathy Ireland Collection of Health Care Plans,  and Three Gobs and a Gal in White. 

2) Obtain the price of each plan and any available subsidy, the net cost to you, and a free copy of Kevin Trudeau's Free Money They Don't Want You to Know About to help you pay for it all.

3) Select the plan you want, enroll instantly, and receive a basket of fruit, a complimentary script for medical marijuana should it be legal in your state or should you be very well connected, and a welcoming letter from me. (It's a bit dirty.)

Find Health Coverage

That Works for You

Platinum
Covers virtually all parts and labor. You can take all plan deductibles and co-pays, place them in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have enough room for three caraway seeds and the heart of an agent. (Good thing nobody remembers Fred Allen these days).  Should you evolve additional organs, they'll be covered too.

Gold
Similar high level coverage but with a few modifications.  Male patients receiving a proctology exam are now required to stick their own fingers up their asses, and women undergoing annual mammograms can expect a gallery of the doctor's male friends to be in attendance. Deductibles and co-pays are a bit higher, but it's your choice to eat every day or get that boil lacerated.

Silver
Some organs are excluded from coverage including liver, spleen, and left ventricle of the heart. At least one doctor in your network must be named Sluggo, and patients are required to bring their own magazines to the waiting room.  Tap dancing by primary care physician is not covered at any time. 

Bronze
Coverage now features exclusion of a few additional organs including heart (100%), lungs, brain, and penis, especially if you are a woman. Deductibles and co-pays are such that you must pay out enough to hire and equip an army for Xena, Warrior Princess before plan customer service rep will even get on the phone with you. Doctors are not required to cure stuff.

Dung
Covers the procedure known as "Saying AHH."

Your Existing Policy
Now you can keep it thanks to President Obama (see Bonus Feature below), even though all it covers is a bucket of warm spit.  

Your PerryCare.gov Portal! 

Click here 

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Special Bonus Feature!

Personalized President Obama 

Apology to You

Name  ______

1) Do you want Mr. Obama to weep during apology?

Yes __               No __              Start to Break up but Control Himself __

2) Special strongly self-deprecating apology for conservatives?

Yes  __              No__             I'm a Tea Partier; Make It Rock!__

Click for 
Personalized Apology

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This post also appears in the Broad Street Review, December 3, 2013  

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It

And,  Mitt?  Tell'em Groucho sent ya!






Welcome, I'm Bob Schieffer of CBS News and this is Face the Nation!  Today's guest is Governor Mitt Romney, Republican candidate in the 2012 Race for the Presidency of the United States.

Romney: Thank you, Bob.  "Race for the Presidency," eh?  Think you just coined a really neat new term!

Schieffer:  Uh ... sure.  Thank you ... I think!

Romney:  You're like a working class poet or something, Bob! 

Schieffer:   Um,  thanks again!   Now, Governor Romney, I'd like to ask your thoughts about the President's decision to stop deporting certain illegal aliens who came to the United States as children.  

Romney: Bob, let me answer that this way: 

I don't know what he has to say

it makes no difference anyway.

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It!   

Schieffer:  Governor Romney, why, you're a Groucho Marx fan, I didn't know!  But tell me, please:  what are your views about the President's new Immigration Policy?

Romney:                                                 No matter what it is,

or who commenced it.

I'm Against It!  

Schieffer: Ha-Ha.  I think!   Then let's look at ObamaCare, which you oppose.  But isn't it modeled on the same health care program you yourself brought to Massachusetts? 

Romney:                                  Your proposition may be good, 

but let's have one thing understood,

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It!

Schieffer:  Let me phrase that another way then, Governor Romney.  What are your views on ObamaCare itself? 

Romney:                               And even when you've changed it,

or condensed it,

I'm Against It!  

Schieffer: Governor,  you seem to be against all the President's policies without offering any of your own.  Why is that?

Romney:                  For months before my campaign was born,

I used to yell from night till morn. 

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It!

Schieffer:  So you decided on this campaign approach long ago?  How would you describe  your approach?

Romney:                                                 As I've kept yelling 

since I first commenced it,

I'm Against It!

Schieffer: Thank you, Governor, it's been enlightening.  You know,  I had no  idea you were such a huge Groucho Marx fan. 

Romney:  Actually, Bob,  I'm more of a Harpo Marx fan myself.

Schieffer:  Harpo Marx?  You mean the brother who spent his entire career saying absolutely nothing?

Romney:  There you go!

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