Your One-Stop Shop for Obamacare: PerryCare.gov!

PerryCare.gov
Exclusive to Nouveau Old Formerly Cute!

I am delighted to present PerryCare.gov!, Your One-Stop Shop for Obamacare.

This is the first ever fully functional 100% ready-to-use Affordable Care Act Information and Election Website, and it's yours exclusively to take advantage of as a reader of  Perry Block -Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute!  

Please do not reveal the location of this website to any mommy blogger.

How did  I manage to put this together when the United States Government is still trying to figure out how to underline and indent in Microsoft Word?  Simple. I paid the entrance fee to Philadelphia Comic-Con 2013 for two 14 year olds.   Two or three days later we were open for business!

Four Ways? Forget 'Em All! PerryCare.gov is your One-Stop Shop to: 

1) Review all health care plans available to you from a range of fine companies like Blue Cross, Aetna, Humana, Bill and Ted's Excellent Health Care, the Kathy Ireland Collection of Health Care Plans,  and Three Gobs and a Gal in White. 

2) Obtain the price of each plan and any available subsidy, the net cost to you, and a free copy of Kevin Trudeau's Free Money They Don't Want You to Know About to help you pay for it all.

3) Select the plan you want, enroll instantly, and receive a basket of fruit, a complimentary script for medical marijuana should it be legal in your state or should you be very well connected, and a welcoming letter from me. (It's a bit dirty.)

Find Health Coverage

That Works for You

Platinum
Covers virtually all parts and labor. You can take all plan deductibles and co-pays, place them in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have enough room for three caraway seeds and the heart of an agent. (Good thing nobody remembers Fred Allen these days).  Should you evolve additional organs, they'll be covered too.

Gold
Similar high level coverage but with a few modifications.  Male patients receiving a proctology exam are now required to stick their own fingers up their asses, and women undergoing annual mammograms can expect a gallery of the doctor's male friends to be in attendance. Deductibles and co-pays are a bit higher, but it's your choice to eat every day or get that boil lacerated.

Silver
Some organs are excluded from coverage including liver, spleen, and left ventricle of the heart. At least one doctor in your network must be named Sluggo, and patients are required to bring their own magazines to the waiting room.  Tap dancing by primary care physician is not covered at any time. 

Bronze
Coverage now features exclusion of a few additional organs including heart (100%), lungs, brain, and penis, especially if you are a woman. Deductibles and co-pays are such that you must pay out enough to hire and equip an army for Xena, Warrior Princess before plan customer service rep will even get on the phone with you. Doctors are not required to cure stuff.

Dung
Covers the procedure known as "Saying AHH."

Your Existing Policy
Now you can keep it thanks to President Obama (see Bonus Feature below), even though all it covers is a bucket of warm spit.  

Your PerryCare.gov Portal! 

Click here 

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Special Bonus Feature!

Personalized President Obama 

Apology to You

Name  ______

1) Do you want Mr. Obama to weep during apology?

Yes __               No __              Start to Break up but Control Himself __

2) Special strongly self-deprecating apology for conservatives?

Yes  __              No__             I'm a Tea Partier; Make It Rock!__

Click for 
Personalized Apology

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This post also appears in the Broad Street Review, December 3, 2013  

You (Probably) Can't Go Home Again

  .... I've had a few

Yesterday I took out a pen and paper, refamiliarized myself with the usage of them in 2012,  and wrote down the following which I offer to you in the hope that it may be helpful:
 

Most of the things we regret from the past are best left alone. Not only can't you go home again, you can't even re-visit the tri-state area.  You blew it.  Move on. 

In any given lifetime, there are always things we remember that we wish to forget.  The problem is that in my given lifetime there are so many things I wish to forget I can't even remember them all in order to forget them! 

These are the things that represent water flowing under our collective bridges, all of it contaminated and probably carcinogenic ....

The Road Not Taken
The Road Taken that Led to Somewhere in North Dakota
The One that Got Away
The One that Should Have Got Away
The Song You Never Sung
The Song You Sung that ABBA Later Made Big Money With

Not long ago I went so far as to copy down a list of names of everyone in my past with whom I'd had some interaction I was either embarrassed about, angry at myself regarding, or had lost more than seven pounds over during a three week period. My purpose was to revisit each person and rectify as best as possible the resulting carnage, psychic or otherwise, that had ensued from my perceived less than stellar behavior.

When I ran out of paper, I began writing on the walls. When I'd pretty much filled all the walls, I rented an apartment. And as I  pretty much filled those walls to the point where I realized was going to lose my entire Security Deposit, I regarded the list and selected one name and one situation for my first official rectification.

It was an item that involved a woman I had looked up on Facebook who might have been aggrieved by my behavior but not so much as to have gone to the trouble to visit Haiti in search of tutelage on indigenous rituals to cause my eye-balls to forceably eject from their sockets. 

A good place to start.

"Hello, Sharon?" I said, voice resolute but somewhat quavering, if I may use that word without knowing what it means. 

"Yes, who is this?" said Sharon in a friendly voice I kind of remembered. 

"Perry Block.  Many years ago, we went out for, I dunno, five-six  months."

"Yes, sounds very familiar..., " she replied pleasantly.

"I wanted to apologize to you because with no explanation whatsover I just stopped calling you.  Basically I didn't have the guts to tell you I found the snorting impression you did of Arnold Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter! kind of annoying and ...."

"Now I remember you, Asshole!  Don't ever call again!!!"

KLUNNKKK!!!!!
After a few minutes of quavering (if I may use that word without yet having looked it up),  I took out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote the sentence I first offered you above.  And bought some white paint for a whole lot of walls.

There are no mulligans.

There are few things about the past you can fix, even if you can operate power tools.  You can't go home again, so don't even  bother trying to book a flight on Expedia or priceline.com. 

Direct via US Airways, well, maybe  ....

Actually, the best we can all do is learn and move on.  

It's a pity that so many of us tend to often be such slow learners.

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