Saturday, March 11, 2017

Trump Sells the GOP Health Care Plan (Fact Checked)


Trump gave this statement to the nation today in support of the new Republican health care plan for which the erstwhile purveyor of The Art of the Deal is vigorously lobbying:

“For eight long years this nation has endured the complete disaster known as Obamacare. (False. The law wasn’t passed until 2010.)

Now Obamacare is collapsing under its own weight. (False. The only thing collapsing under its own weight is Trump.) Costs are soaring, insurers are rapidly pulling out of the market, and Americans are dying in the streets! (False. Except for dying in the streets from gun violence.)  

But Obamacare will soon be replaced by something wonderful!  There will be better coverage, lower costs, and better care! (False, False, and False.) And everyone in the country will be covered!  (False, although everyone will be covered after all those not covered die off.)

The new plan is called RyanCare. It is not now and never will be called TrumpCare. (False. You're going to be stuck with it, jerk!)

How bad have things been under the disastrous Obamacare? Premiums are so high many Americans are skipping Europe this year. (False. Most of us are skipping Europe this year for just about every reason other than Obamacare.) Medical resources are stretched so thin that doctors are reusing tongue depressors, playing tapes of Tracey Morgan's stand up comedy during operations instead of using anesthetic, and handing out lolly pops to kids at the end of their appointments in that green flavor nobody likes. (False. I actually like that flavor.)

I've even heard that former television celebrity Billy Bush, whom I never liked, is now a practicing gynecologist in Milwaukee!  (True.)

RyanCare must pass and pass now! If it does not, I'm going to do absolutely nothing and let Obamacare implode and destroy everyone on the planet! (False. The planet is secure.)  

Of course, I will blame Hillary Clinton for it all. (False. He will blame Crooked Hillary.)”

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3 comments:

Russell said...

You know, I always suspected you were a green lollipop lover. My Dad told me they were made from regurgitated cow cuds. It made sense to me and explains why they taste like molded grass. (Partly true. They taste like molded grass with lime flavor added)

While I can confirm this (so it must be a fact), under Trumpcare they will use the same hose to run down a person's throat when performing an upper GI that they used moments before doing the colonoscopy without washing it first. The doctor will prescribe breath mints afterward at a cost of $12.95 each.

Perry Block said...

I actually like cherry better but you can be sure the spoilsport Republicans will only give us the yucky green. As for hoses, well, I wouldn't expect much under the GOP plan. Just like a shikseh on her first date with a Jewish guy.

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