Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Your One-Stop Shop for Obamacare: PerryCare.gov!

Exclusive to Nouveau Old Formerly Cute!

I am delighted to present PerryCare.gov!, Your One-Stop Shop for Obamacare.
This is the first ever fully functional 100% ready-to-use Affordable Care Act Information and Election Website, and it's yours exclusively to take advantage of as a reader of  Perry Block -Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute!  

Please do not reveal the location of this website to any mommy blogger.

How did  I manage to put this together when the United States Government is still trying to figure out how to underline and indent in Microsoft Word?  Simple. I paid the entrance fee to Philadelphia Comic-Con 2013 for two 14 year olds.   Two or three days later we were open for business!
4 Ways to get Health Insurance

Four Ways? Forget 'Em All! PerryCare.gov is your One-Stop Shop to: 

1) Review all health care plans available to you from a range of fine companies like Blue Cross, Aetna, Humana, Bill and Ted's Excellent Health Care, the Kathy Ireland Collection of Health Care Plans,  and Three Gobs and a Gal in White. 

2) Obtain the price of each plan and any available subsidy, the net cost to you, and a free copy of Kevin Trudeau's Free Money They Don't Want You to Know About to help you pay for it all.

3) Select the plan you want, enroll instantly, and receive a basket of fruit, a complimentary script for medical marijuana should it be legal in your state or should you be very well connected, and a welcoming letter from me. (It's a bit dirty.)

Find Health Coverage
That Works for You

Covers virtually all parts and labor. You can take all plan deductibles and co-pays, place them in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have enough room for three caraway seeds and the heart of an agent. (Good thing nobody remembers Fred Allen these days).  Should you evolve additional organs, they'll be covered too.

Similar high level coverage but with a few modifications.  Male patients receiving a proctology exam are now required to stick their own fingers up their asses, and women undergoing annual mammograms can expect a gallery of the doctor's male friends to be in attendance. Deductibles and co-pays are a bit higher, but it's your choice to eat every day or get that boil lacerated.

Some organs are excluded from coverage including liver, spleen, and left ventricle of the heart. At least one doctor in your network must be named Sluggo, and patients are required to bring their own magazines to the waiting room.  Tap dancing by primary care physician is not covered at any time. 

Coverage now features exclusion of a few additional organs including heart (100%), lungs, brain, and penis, especially if you are a woman. Deductibles and co-pays are such that you must pay out enough to hire and equip an army for Xena, Warrior Princess before plan customer service rep will even get on the phone with you. Doctors are not required to cure stuff.

Covers the procedure known as "Saying AHH."

Your Existing Policy
Now you can keep it thanks to President Obama (see Bonus Feature below), even though all it covers is a bucket of warm spit.  


Special Bonus Feature!

Personalized President Obama 
Apology to You

Name  ______

1) Do you want Mr. Obama to weep during apology?

Yes __               No __              Start to Break up but Control Himself __

2) Special strongly self-deprecating apology for conservatives?

Yes  __              No__             I'm a Tea Partier; Make It Rock!__

This post also appears in the Broad Street Review, December 3, 2013  


Perry Block said...

What a terrific service to the nation, Perry! Obamacare salvaged and made easy. We all owe a great debt to you.


N/A said...

You are a funny guy :).

I will enroll in the Platinum plan (of course) -- and why is it we can't reveal this to mommy bloggers? I agree, they can often gang up on certain topics, but I think all bloggers are capable of such behavior.

And I do look forward to some Obama phone calls. He could at least call and ask me how my day is.

Perry Block said...

Thank you, Lady J! Using the term "mommy bloggers" is just short hand for anybody. This is an exclusive site specifically for my loyal followers like you. Umm, did I mention you? Also there's you. And I don't want to forget you!

I'm not giving up yet though. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve to drive some traffic here. Maybe I'll have Mr. Obama call everybody. Oh, yeah. He's not popular now either.

Russell said...

I do appreciate the apology (Brenda Lee has such a beautiful voice), but I'm not so sure using my own finger for the exam. Of course, that would still be preferential to some guy who has fingers the size of turkey drumsticks. I suppose with PerryCare I can expect them to the same thermometer on the both ends too. What a deal!

Perry Block said...

Thank goodness somebody else is responding to PerryCare.gov! Here I go to all the trouble and expense of bailing out the President and two people respond to the site! What am I going to tell the President?! What am I going to tell the 14 year olds?! And no, your temperature is taken by two different thermometers at each end but the one used on the far end is off the side of a barn. You're right, Russell, what a deal!

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious...one of your best!!! I chose the Silver plan; I hope Dr. Sluggo is cute!

Perry Block said...

Surprise! I am Dr. Sluggo! Jan? Jan? You were here just a ....