Playing "Pretend to the Person I Pocket Dialed That I Actually Meant to Call Them"

  

I’m amazed at the games people play on their phones like Minecraft & Candy Crush and the various and sundry casino gambling games. 

I play none of these. 

The only game I play is "Pretend to the Person I Pocket Dialed That I Actually Meant to Call Them."

 

Just last week I heard a voice.

 

“Perry… Perry …” it said

 

I said “who’s talking?”

 

The voice said “this is Denis. I  think you pocket dialed me.”

 

I said “Oh no, Denis, I meant to call you!” 

 

Those words are reflexive.  They spew from my mouth like lava from an active volcano.

 

“So, Denis, umm, how’s ….”

 

Think, man, think! What’s his wife’s name.  Think! Think!

 

“How’s Nancy?”

 

“Oh gee, I’m sorry.  How long ago? Oh, that long. My condolences.”

 

Now what? I already sound like an idiot.

 

“Still in the insurance business?”

 

“Bankruptcy,  eh? You working? No. Looking? That long? Oh, gee!”

 

Say something else, Perry. Anything!

 

“How’s your brother-in-law who worked for  you, I forget  his name …. oh, gee, I’m sorry.  How long ago?”

 

The next words spewed from my mouth like lava from an active volcano.

 

“So, Denis, wanna do lunch?” 

 

I have had any number of boring pointless lunches with any number of people I hated the thought of having lunch with just to save the blatant admission of an ignominious pocket dial.

 

Why does this keep happening?

 

I have all my phone numbers on speed dial because I can’t remember numbers. I’m so bad at getting and processing phone numbers that I have dialed the generalissimos of small Latin American countries when I meant to call the plumber.

 

One of them even showed up more reliably than the plumber.

 

And with all my numbers front and center on my phone it’s easy to bump the phone and set in play the Kabuki theater you have just witnessed.

 

There seemed to be  only one answer: remove everyone from speed dial  and let Siri make all my phone calls. And so, just yesterday …

 

“Hey, Siri, call Ellen Cohen.” 

“Calling Alan Coburn.” 

“No, no, no, Siri, not Alan Coburn!   Ellen Cohen! Ellen Cohen!” 

“Hello, hello, who is this?”

“Oh, Alan,  umm … this is Perry … I - I didn’t mean to call you, but this isn’t a pocket dial!” 

“No?” 

“This is a Siri Dial.” 

“A Siri dial?” 

“Uh, yeah, a Siri dial.” 

“You mean you’re too lazy to even pocket dial a person?!!” 

“No, well, I thought I could …” 

“This is way worse than a pocket dial, you asshole!” 

The next words spewed from my mouth like lava from an active volcano. 

“So Alan, wanna do lunch?”

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