President Trump lashed out today at Nordstrom’s for dropping his daughter Ivanka’s clothing and accessories line, placing the blame directly on an 1887 immigrant to the United States named John W. Nordstrom.
“Had there been a brilliant statesman almost as smart as myself back then to impose a ban on immigrants into the United States from the outlaw nations of Iraq, Somalia, Iran, Libya, Sudan, Syria, Yemen, and Sweden,” Trump stated, “Ivanka would not have been treated as horribly as she has been by Nordstrom’s. Because there never would have been a low-life shit store like Nordstrom’s!"
“Instead, bad actors like John Nordstrom flooded into the United States, making fortunes through hard work instead of by inheriting them and founding department stores for the express purpose of committing acts of terror against owners of fine clothing and accessory lines like the one owned by my beautiful and sexy daughter Ivanka. BAD!"
"If they had had Donald J. Trump Extreme Vetting back then, a dishonest loser like Nordstrom would have been exposed for his hatred of truth, justice, and fine clothing and accessory lines and returned to Sweden to found Ikea."
Trump next introduced a young man who joined him at the podium.
"By the way, this is Skippy Cumberson, a bad high school student from Rochester, New York," said Trump. "He failed French and Shop Class. I am now appointing him to the open Supreme Court seat instead of that big mouth Neil Gorsuch."