Monday, August 1, 2011
Your “Do-it-Yourself” News
Ex-Rep. Weiner Ex-Rep. Craig
Congressman Resigns Following Allegations of Sexual Misconduct
WASHINGTON D.C. ---Yet another member of the United States House of Representatives has resigned his seat due to political fallout from a sexually-charged scandal.
Late yesterday afternoon,
(a) Representative Anthony Weiner from New York,
(b) Representative David Wu of Oregon,
(c) Representative Larry Craig of Idaho, or
(d) the Representative from your district in your home state
(c) 137th, or
(d) we’ve lost count!
Congressional representative to be forced out of office in the last year due to an alleged inappropriate sexual relationship.
Allegations have been swirling around the Congressman for the past several weeks that he has
(a) made repeated unwelcome advances for,
(b) been having lots and lots of,
(c) been fantasizing about having, or
(d) been schwartzenegging --- see (e) below
... Sexual Relations with
(a) a member of his staff,
(b) someone he met on the internet,
(c) a very surprised man in the toilet stall next to him at the airport,
(d) himself, or
(e) someone even you and I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, did you get a look at this broad?!
The scandal that ultimately unseated the Congressman first came to light as a result of
(a) allegations made directly by the victim of his unwelcome sexual advances,
(b) allegations made by the person he’d been regularly shtupping for quite some time who finally realized what a gigantic loser he is,
(c) the Congressman regularly walking around Capitol Hill with his fly open, or
(d) the Congressman’s Twitter handle, @BigBoner11, which pretty much gave it all away.
In a prepared statement, the Congressman said
(a) "I am truly sorry for having violated the trust of the fine people I have been privileged to serve while in Congress,"
(b) "my failings are many and preserving my family that I love so dearly is most important at this time,"
(c) "I am very sorry I got caught," or
(d) "at least I got my rocks off and that’s what really counts.”
The future for the Congressman is unclear at this point but it is believed he will
(a) seek treatment for sexual addiction at an undisclosed clinic,
(b) undergo involuntary castration by a knife happy mentally crazed mohel,
(c) spend a great deal of time with his family during which he will be completely shut out by his wife, or
(d) co-host a talk show on CNN with Eliot Spitzer.
In other news, Lilo is out of control again!
Wait till you see the cool choices we’ve got cooked up for you there!