Friday, February 6, 2015

Platonically Incorrect

 Until Now ....

I've been buddies with my good friend Ellen for almost 30 years. Our relationship has always been platonic, and we frequently get together for good clean platonic fun, in the platonic sense of the word "platonic."

But my last engagment in non-platonic activity was a long time ago, and when I say a long time ago I'm talking Presidential Administrations, not weeks.

And so it came to pass that in winter this old man's fancy turned to fattening up on an old friend in a most definitely non-platonic manner. But how to do it? That was the rub, the rub itself being my most immediate objective. 

"Hi, Ellen, I'm here!"

"I'll be right with you, Perry.  Did you bring the movie page?"

"Yes, but y'know, why don't we just stay in?  It's cold outside, they're talking flurries, and some day the Earth will smash right into the Sun!"

"Well, when that day happens, I think we should stay in. But tonight I was looking forward to going to the movies."

"There's nothing good playing anywhere!  Just Birdman, Boyhood, and The Imitation Game,  and a few old classics like Citizen Kane, Carnal Knowledge, and Casablanca. How about we stay in, get cozy on the couch, and maybe watch something romantic?"

"Romantic? Us? Like what?"

"Romantic  like ... whatever soft core porn is on HBO!"

"Soft core porn?!!  That's for you to watch yourself!" 

"You get sick of watching that yourself.  My remote control is fairly well stuck to the hand lotion bottle!"

"Well, I'm not watching some overly tatooed guys pretend to have sex with vacuous coked out blondes with big tits."

"My god, you just described the tag line for a half dozen of my favorite movies!"

"Perry, I want to go out."

"Hey, Ellen ... I brought wine!  And glasses."

"Glasses?  Those are beer mugs!"

"Here you go, kid!  To your health!  And your stamina!" 

"What the hell is going on with you, Perry?!"

"Ellen, did you ever hear of the expression 'friends with benefits?'"

"I get it. You're feeling horny."

"That's not true!  What I happen to feel is the need for a night of closeness, of true bonding, of deepening ties between us.  And I'm feeling horny."

"So you want to enroll in benefits, eh, mister?"

"Beats Obamacare." 

"Well, I'm sorry, Perry, I'm not having sex with you!  We're good friends, and I want to keep it that way."

"You know friendship can be overrated, Ellen. Look at Julius Caesar and Brutus."

"I hope that doesn't mean I have to look at you in a toga."

"Stop it!  You know, we're not really such good friends.  We have nothing in common."

"We have everything in common!  We love movies, comedy, books, travel, walking in the snow, the beach, anthropology, making fun of Nicholas Cage movies, hating ABBA, zoology, endocrinology .....

"Yes, but what else?!!"

"Perry,  I'm not going to screw you."

"One time. Just one time! Pretty please!!!"

"Not even with a cherry on top."

"Somehow that last metaphor didn't help things."

"Now, shall we go to the movies, Perry?"

"Yes, Ellen. Sure. Fine. What do you want to see?"

"Carnal Knowledge."

"Somehow that movie choice didn't help either."



thewritersvillage said...

Dump her. Find a real platonic friend who will not only give you fringe benefits, but a retirement plan and stock options.

PS Man up. Never beg. Offer the bee some money, and if that don't work, head over to Solid Gold.

Anonymous said...

"We have everything in common! We love movies, comedy, books, travel, walking in the snow, the beach, anthropology, making fun of Nicholas Cage movies, hating ABBA, zoology, endocrinology ..... Sounds like married life to me. For a moment there I felt like she was softening to the idea or was that you after the rejection? I couldn't seem to find a log in that your site likes.

Perry Block said...

A platonic friend with a retirement plan? Retirement with her is just what I'm lookiing for, retirement upstairs that evening, that is. And never beg? Obviously you've never been a Jewish husband!

Perry Block said...

Hi, Tracey, thanks for writing. This isn't the first time I've heard that non-Blogger people have had trouble posting here. I think Blogger has a lot of glitches and Wordpress is better, but I haven't mustered the energy to make the switch yet. All those things in common sounds like marriage? You must have the ideal marriage then! And she was never softening at any time; my character is just not that lucky.

Anonymous said...

:-) yes, a full measure of domestic bliss. Tracey

Perry Block said...

Super! (And thanks for joining the blog!)

Russell Gayer said...

I agree with Tracey. You and Ellen are already married. I never understood the big deal about a license anyway. After all, she's not a hunting dog. And why is it that a marriage license is the only license that doesn't expire and require a renewal every couple of years? I'll tell you why. No one would bother standing in line for two hours at government office.

Here's an old joke: What's the fastest way to paralyze a woman from the waist down? Marry her. (or in your case, be platonic friends).

Perry Block said...

I showed your comment to Ellen and she got so depressed, she immediately jumped into the .... trampoline she bought for exercise after booting me out of the house. I don't think I'll give Ellen another shot though; I enjoy going to the movies too much.