Friday, February 6, 2015

Platonically Incorrect

 Until Now ....

I've been buddies with my good friend Ellen for almost 30 years.  

Our relationship has always been platonic.

But my last engagement in non-platonic activity was a long time ago, and when I say a long time ago I'm talking presidential administrations, not weeks.

And so it came to pass that in winter this old man's fancy turned to behavior that was platonically incorrect.

"It’s good to see you, Perry.  Did you bring the movie page?"

"Yes, Ellen, but it's cold outside and they're talking flurries.”

"But I want to go to the movies."

“How about we stay in, get cozy on the couch, and maybe watch something romantic?"

"Romantic? Us? Like what?"

"Romantic like ... the sexiest show with the most nudity we can find on 

"No way! I'm not watching a bunch of overly tattooed guys pretend to have sex with vacuous coked out blondes with big tits."

"You just described half a dozen of my favorite movies."

"Perry, I want to go out."

"Hey, Ellen ... I brought wine! And glasses.

“Those aren't glasses.  Those are beer mugs!"

"Here you go, kid!  To your health!  And your stamina!"

"What is going on with you, Perry?!"

"Ellen, did you ever hear of the expression 'friends with benefits?'"

"Now I get it. You're feeling horny."

"That's not true! What I happen to feel is the need for a night of closeness, true bonding, and deepening ties between us. And yeah … I'm feeling horny."

"So you want to enroll in benefits, eh, mister?"

"Beats TrumpCare."

"I'm sorry, Perry, I'm not having sex with you!  We're good friends, and I want to keep it that way."

"You know we're not really such good friends. We have nothing in common."

"We have everything in common! We love movies, comedy, books, travel, walking in the snow, the beach, mythology, and hating ABBA.”

“Is that all?”

"Perry, I’m not going to screw you."

"One time. Just one time! Pretty please?"

"Not going to happen."

"Great.  Okay, Ellen, what movie do you want to see?"

"I want to go in town to see a revival."

"What movie is that?"

"‘Carnal Knowledge.’"



Anonymous said...

Dump her. Find a real platonic friend who will not only give you fringe benefits, but a retirement plan and stock options.

PS Man up. Never beg. Offer the bee some money, and if that don't work, head over to Solid Gold.

Anonymous said...

"We have everything in common! We love movies, comedy, books, travel, walking in the snow, the beach, anthropology, making fun of Nicholas Cage movies, hating ABBA, zoology, endocrinology ..... Sounds like married life to me. For a moment there I felt like she was softening to the idea or was that you after the rejection? I couldn't seem to find a log in that your site likes.

Perry Block said...

A platonic friend with a retirement plan? Retirement with her is just what I'm lookiing for, retirement upstairs that evening, that is. And never beg? Obviously you've never been a Jewish husband!

Perry Block said...

Hi, Tracey, thanks for writing. This isn't the first time I've heard that non-Blogger people have had trouble posting here. I think Blogger has a lot of glitches and Wordpress is better, but I haven't mustered the energy to make the switch yet. All those things in common sounds like marriage? You must have the ideal marriage then! And she was never softening at any time; my character is just not that lucky.

Anonymous said...

:-) yes, a full measure of domestic bliss. Tracey

Perry Block said...

Super! (And thanks for joining the blog!)

Russell Gayer said...

I agree with Tracey. You and Ellen are already married. I never understood the big deal about a license anyway. After all, she's not a hunting dog. And why is it that a marriage license is the only license that doesn't expire and require a renewal every couple of years? I'll tell you why. No one would bother standing in line for two hours at government office.

Here's an old joke: What's the fastest way to paralyze a woman from the waist down? Marry her. (or in your case, be platonic friends).

Perry Block said...

I showed your comment to Ellen and she got so depressed, she immediately jumped into the .... trampoline she bought for exercise after booting me out of the house. I don't think I'll give Ellen another shot though; I enjoy going to the movies too much.