Until Now ....
I've been buddies with my good friend Ellen for almost 30 years. Our relationship has always been platonic, and we frequently get together for good clean platonic fun, in the platonic sense of the word "platonic."
But my last engagment in non-platonic activity was a long time ago, and when I say a long time ago I'm talking Presidential Administrations, not weeks.
And so it came to pass that in winter this old man's fancy turned to fattening up on an old friend in a most definitely non-platonic manner. But how to do it? That was the rub, the rub itself being my most immediate objective.
"Hi, Ellen, I'm here!"
"I'll be right with you, Perry. Did you bring the movie page?"
"Yes, but y'know, why don't we just stay in? It's cold outside, they're talking flurries, and some day the Earth will smash right into the Sun!"
"Well, when that day happens, I think we should stay in. But tonight I was looking forward to going to the movies."
"There's nothing good playing anywhere! Just Birdman, Boyhood, and The Imitation Game, and a few old classics like Citizen Kane, Carnal Knowledge, and Casablanca. How about we stay in, get cozy on the couch, and maybe watch something romantic?"
"Romantic? Us? Like what?"
"Romantic like ... whatever soft core porn is on HBO!"
"Soft core porn?!! That's for you to watch yourself!"
"You get sick of watching that yourself. My remote control is fairly well stuck to the hand lotion bottle!"
"Well, I'm not watching some overly tatooed guys pretend to have sex with vacuous coked out blondes with big tits."
"My god, you just described the tag line for a half dozen of my favorite movies!"
"Perry, I want to go out."
"Hey, Ellen ... I brought wine! And glasses."
"Glasses? Those are beer mugs!"
"Here you go, kid! To your health! And your stamina!"
"What the hell is going on with you, Perry?!"
"Ellen, did you ever hear of the expression 'friends with benefits?'"
"I get it. You're feeling horny."
"That's not true! What I happen to feel is the need for a night of closeness, of true bonding, of deepening ties between us. And I'm feeling horny."
"So you want to enroll in benefits, eh, mister?"
"Well, I'm sorry, Perry, I'm not having sex with you! We're good friends, and I want to keep it that way."
"You know friendship can be overrated, Ellen. Look at Julius Caesar and Brutus."
"I hope that doesn't mean I have to look at you in a toga."
"Stop it! You know, we're not really such good friends. We have nothing in common."
"We have everything in common! We love movies, comedy, books, travel, walking in the snow, the beach, anthropology, making fun of Nicholas Cage movies, hating ABBA, zoology, endocrinology .....
"Yes, but what else?!!"
"Perry, I'm not going to screw you."
"One time. Just one time! Pretty please!!!"
"Not even with a cherry on top."
"Somehow that last metaphor didn't help things."
"Now, shall we go to the movies, Perry?"
"Yes, Ellen. Sure. Fine. What do you want to see?"
"Somehow that movie choice didn't help either."