Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Be My, Be My Platonic Baby




Most guys as they go through life have friends who are mostly guys.

And most guys after they reach a certain age get sick to death of hanging out with all those annoying, boring, loud-mouth guys and wish to hook up with a friendly warm-hearted female friend to whom they are pretty much not at all attracted.

I had had a couple of nice female friends for a number of years but they had both moved out of the area.  So  I began to seek another best buddy  who possessed a higher pitched voice than mine and whose tits I had virtually no interest in seeing. 

I settled on a woman I had met recently in the library named Cheryl.

Unfortunately Cheryl was spoken for.  By my friend, Nate.

“You can’t have her as your female friend, Perry!” he bellowed. “I saw her first and I’m claiming her as my female friend whose lips will never get closer to mine than a yard, give or take.”

“Okay, Nate, so you did see her in the deli dressed in a messy sweatshirt two days before I saw her I in the library with no make-up. Why can't she be both of our platonic friends?”

“That’s ridiculous!  If I want to go for coffee with her one night, she can’t be out bowling with you. If I want to call her in the middle of the night and pour my heart out about a busted romance, she can’t be too exhausted to talk  because she’s been playing scrabble with you all night!”

“Alright!  So how do you plan to ask her if she wants to be you platonic friend?”

“First, I’ll take her out for a lovely dinner. Applebee’s, Olive Garden, wherever she wants! Then when we get to dessert and coffee, I’ll pop the question.”

“What question is that?”

“Cheryl, will you be my non-physical, never get naked with me, best buddy with whom I can discuss the stock market as if you're Maria Bartiromo?"

“Wow, that’s powerful! What if she says yes?”

“Then we’ll go back to my place, and…”

“Yes?  Yes?”

“Play canasta, watch a video, or …”

 “OMG what? What?”

“Make popcorn!”

I heard later that it had all worked out for Nate, and Cheryl had become his new platonic female friend.

I had lost her.

Several weeks later I saw them out at a movie.

‘Hi, Perry, You know Cheryl.”

They were blithely disengaged, a full ten paces apart.    

I was so jealous.

Last week in the library I met another woman who was checking out a book about the metaphysical poets.   Unfortunately she was hot and I was very sexually attracted to her.  

Damn it!

When am I ever going to find my own platonic female friend with whom I can discuss the Eagles and never ever want to have sex with?

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