Most guys as they go through life have friends who are mostly guys.
And most guys after they reach a certain age get sick
to death of hanging out with all those annoying, boring, loud-mouth guys and wish to hook up with a friendly warm-hearted female friend to whom they
are pretty much not at all attracted.
I had had a couple of nice female friends for a number of years but
they had both moved out of the area. So I began
to seek another best buddy who possessed a higher pitched voice than mine
and whose tits I had virtually no interest in seeing.
I settled on a woman I had met recently in the library
named Cheryl.
Unfortunately Cheryl was spoken for. By my friend, Nate.
“You can’t have her as your female friend, Perry!” he bellowed.
“I saw her first and I’m claiming her as my female friend whose lips will never
get closer to mine than a yard, give or take.”
“Okay, Nate, so you did
see her in the deli dressed in a messy sweatshirt two days before I saw her I in
the library with no make-up. Why can't she be both of our platonic friends?”
“That’s ridiculous!
If I want to go for coffee with her one night, she can’t be out bowling
with you. If I want to call her in the middle of the night and pour my heart out
about a busted romance, she can’t be too exhausted to talk because she’s been
playing scrabble with you all night!”
“Alright! So
how do you plan to ask her if she wants to be you platonic friend?”
“First, I’ll take her out for a lovely dinner.
Applebee’s, Olive Garden, wherever she wants! Then when we get to dessert and
coffee, I’ll pop the question.”
“What question is that?”
“Cheryl, will you be my non-physical, never get naked with
me, best buddy with whom I can discuss the stock market and the only thing going up will be my portfolio."
“Wow, that’s
powerful! What if she says yes?”
“Then we’ll go
back to my place, and…”
“Yes? Yes?”
“Play canasta, watch a video, or …”
“OMG what? What?”
“Make
popcorn!”
I heard later that it had all worked out for Nate, and
Cheryl had become his new platonic female friend.
I had lost her.
Several weeks later I saw them out at a movie.
‘Hi, Perry, You know Cheryl.”
They were blithely disengaged, a full ten paces apart.
I was so jealous.
Last week in the library I met another woman who was
checking out a book about the metaphysical poets. Unfortunately she was hot and I was very sexually
attracted to her.
Damn it!
When am I ever going to find my own platonic female
friend with whom I can discuss the Eagles and never ever want to have sex with?
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