Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Donald J. Trump's Guide to Handling Sexual Harassment

Let Harassment Expert Donald Trump 
Teach You How to Handle This
(I mean, teach the woman how to handle this!)

Sexual Harassment is one of the most serious problems facing the American workplace today, along with ignorant and obnoxious CEOs who think they're vastly smarter than they actually are and want to be President of the United States.  No employee should be forced to work in an environment charged with sexual intimidation, lewd talk, or unwelcome touching or fondling even though I, Donald J. Trump, have gotten very excited while writing this sentence.

Donald's J. Trump's Guide to Handling Sexual Harassment, co-written by harassment expert Roger Ailes with foreword by comedian Bill Cosby, will serve as the definitive guide as to what a woman who believes she has been sexually harassed should do to safely and effectively handle the problem. 

So, at last a comprehensive guidebook for all you babes out there!

Sexual Harassment Defined.  
Did you know that men as well as women can be sexually harassed?  A woman can harass a man, or a gay guy can harass a man, or a very near-sighted straight guy can harass a man.  Or a woman can harass a woman, such as I see all the time in many of my favorite movies on cable TV late at night.

Our focus for purposes of this guidebook, however, shall be exclusively on men harassing women, especially the hot ones.

There are two types of sexual harassment as follows:

1) Quid Pro Quo Harassment --- where the perpetrator offers job or other related benefits to the harassed person in exchange for sexual favors.  (Some of the stupider harassers may ask for party favors.) 

2) Hostile Work Environment --- this takes place when unwelcome conduct by another worker is so severe or pervasive as to create  an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment, such as a pattern of unwelcome sexual jokes unless they are funny, running butt-naked through the Finance Department, and smirking at the world "thighs."

Not all offensive behavior rises to the legal definition of harassment.  For example, if a guy grabs your boobies, that's probably harassment unless:

1) He shouts "timber!"
2) You are a B cup or less.
3) No annoying goody two-shoes is around to witnesses the behavior.
4) He is Donald Trump.

What to do When You Believe You Have Been Sexually Harassed.
First, check your company's Sexual Harassment Policy. As regularly as they ignore them, all companies today have a Sexual Harassment Policy.

Sample Corporate Sexual Harassment Policy

At XYZ Company we take a very strong stand against sexual harassment. Whenever we receive a complaint we will investigate as soon as we get around to it and in the most thorough manner possible give the nature of the other more important projects we may have at the time. 

You should then report the offensive conduct to the Company's Human Resources Department. Although Human Resources will keep your comments strictly confidential, they may giggle if they spot you while walking through the hallways.

Harassment Investigation.
A prompt and thorough investigation will then be conducted by HR and all juicy details will be explored. HR staff will be hosed down if necessary.

Human Resources will make a final determination as to whether harassment has taken place, which is usually based on whether a reasonable man would want to harass you given what you got. If harassment has been found at the conclusion of the investigation, appropriate disciplinary action will be imposed upon the offender up to and including a week of having to clap out the erasers. 

Should Human Resources find there has been no harassment and/or the conduct does not stop, I would like to think you would find another career or find another company if that was the case.

Make sure and ask your billionaire father to help.

About the Author

Donald Trump is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist, birther, and bully who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims  -- 1.6 billion members of an entire religion -- from entering the U.S.


Unknown said...

Perry, Perry, Perry,
I was confused about the manual. So if I get a job promotion then I should feel privileged to have blown my supervisor? And if I don't get a promotion then I'm either ugly or uncooperative and I should look for a new job? Because sexual harassment doesn't exist at Trump Inc? Oh ok. Trump has gone beyond too far, again.
#NoLongerFunny. (Trump not you.) You're funny.

Perry Block said...

I think you have it exactly right, Tracey. I would drop Mr. Trump a note of appreciation for his outstanding manual. Just don't let anyone take it to mean a vote!

Russell said...

For years I been waiting for a high ranking female corporate executive to harass me. I've bent over forward giving them ample opportunities to squeeze my tush or make provocative remarks about the oversize zucchini I keep stuffed in the front of my boxer briefs.

If something doesn't happen soon, I may be forced to file a reverse discrimination lawsuit against some of these women.

Perry Block said...

I understand that the zucchini in your pants is about two months old, but who's counting? Frankly I don't understand why you haven't been harassed multiple times already except maybe the women in your company can see.

Russell said...

So you're say there is still a chance? And, all I have to do is find a blind woman?

BTW - I change the zucchini every two weeks when I take my bath.