Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Destination Mars!

Mars, here I come! 

"Perry Block, you've just been chosen to be one of the 100 eligible individuals to fly to Mars! How do you feel?!!"

"All right.  And you?"

"No, no, I'm asking how do you feel about traveling to Mars as part of the Mars One Project?!"

"Oh, yes. It represents the culmination of a lifetime dream."

"To explore the unknown, to travel into space, to benefit humankind?"

"Nah, to finally win something."

"How did you enter the contest?"

"I had this Cheerios Box, it said no purchase necessary ..." 

"But surely you're excited about traveling to the red planet?"

"I'm not even sure I'd like to travel to a red state."

"How did your family and friends receive the news of your impending departure?"

"Oh, very well. Those that took my call said: 

That's great, Perry, you finally won something; oh, I've got a beep."

"Do you worry about the isolation and loneliness of the journey?"

"If you knew anything about my weekends, you'd know I've got that one covered."

"Have you given any thought to the possibility of meeting alien life forms?"

"Yes, I'm looking forward to meeting Michael Rennie from The Day the Earth Stood Still. Boy, could he rock a suit!"

"Yes, but what if what you find is more like Independence Day?"

"That'd be awful. Death by cliche."

"Or like Mars Attacks, directed by Tim Burton."

"Oh, boy, would my autograph book be out!"

"You know, Perry, you really don't express the kind of enthusiasm many of the other candidates express about the mission. Some have called this the opportunity of a lifetime."

"Oh, sure, if you consider the opportunity of a lifetime the opportunity to be eaten by gigantic space worms."

"Others have said they're thrilled not to be living a 9 to 5 kind of life."

"I wonder if those others gave any thought to playing the mandolin in Nepal as opposed to being vaporized into fertilizer to be spread over purple and pink gnarled plants that goose you as you walk by." 

"What do you think you'll be meditating about as you'll gaze fondly back at earth at night while living on Mars."

"Oh, many things: 

  • If Law and Order is still on
  • If what's happening on earth is good for the Jews
  • If Flo has finally had a makeover
  • If the word "boner" is now fully synonymous with Brian Williams
  • If Fox News has become an animated cartoon, and lately
  • If John Travolta has actually gotten goofier

"Finally, how would you sum up what's ahead for you."

"I am about to begin my five-year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no person ...."

"Perry, excuse me, but this isn't a five year mission. This is for the rest of  your life."

"Holy crap! I better start reading the back of my Cheerios boxes more carefully!



Les Becker said...

... so you're not going now, then? :-/

Perry Block said...

Nope. I'm opting for the mandolin in Nepal.

Roz Warren said...

My policy has always been to memorize everything on the Cheerios box. You can't be too careful.

Perry Block said...

I dunno. I haven't trusted Cheerios ever since I used to make a muscle as a kid and that enormous "O" didn't appear on my bicep. You can't trust that Cheerios Kid.

Russell Gayer said...

I want to live the 5 to 9 kind of life. Four hours should be enough for anybody. I think they should name a group of stars after you, The Perry Block Constellation. So what if it's only two stars on opposite sides of the planet. It's bound to improve your love life.

Anonymous said...

Boner may now be synonymous with Perry Block, too.
Great one!
Not sure if it will be good for the Jews. Will Cheerios be making a donation to the UJA and Hadassah in your absence?
Are you sure you just didn't win the
"I'm going to send you to the moon,? Alice" look alike contest?

Unknown said...

The red planet/red state joke made me laugh aloud. Nice premise. Good piece.

Perry Block said...

I think my love life will be greatly improved traveling in a capsule to Mars with three other crew mates. My luck they'll all get along great and I'll be busy with a "Let's Go to Mars" coloring book. I can just imagine when I give one of my crew members a Christmas gift and they turn around and regift it right in front of me. The Perry Block Constellation? Sounds great. That's probably where I'll be sent next.

Perry Block said...

Boner hasn't been synonymous with Perry Block for a good ten years. Which is decidedly not good for this Jew. Have you seen the cartoon where spacemen on the moon come across a woman's body and one says to the other "It's Alice Kramden?"
I don't think I look too much like Jayne Meadows, but I do have astonishing eyes.

Perry Block said...

Thanks, Ben. May the force be with you!

Anonymous said...

You are too funny!

Perry Block said...

Oh, ok ... from now on I'll strive to be not funny enough,