You know, folks, I meant to post this on LinkedIn, but does anybody really pay attention to LinkedIn? That is, unless you're somebody trying to set a record for meaningless endorsements.
So, I'm going to put out the news right here and now.
I'm Cupid, by the way, and this year don't look for me anywhere near that most lamest of holidays called Valentine's Day. This year I've got a brand new bag (of arrows) and I'm flying it over to my new home in downtown Punxsutawney PA!
I'd simply had it up to my wingspan with forced romance as overblown as the dialogue in an Aaron Sorkin TV show, the constant subpoenas to testify in divorce cases ("Why'd you shoot her? I wanted the chick next to her!"), and appearing half-naked in greeting cards alongside doggerel penned by sophomore English majors bound for a indefinite future in their parents' basements.
So I handed in my resignation to Zeus, by Jove! Got my resume together, making certain to leave off any jobs I'd had prior to 257 B.C. so I wouldn't give away my age, and began fluttering the pavement.
I checked first with the Jewish people, of course. They have a lot of colorful holidays, the food is terrific, and the pay --- well, two out of three ain't bad! But it was explained to me that as a pudgy pagan deity, I'm a tough sell for a Jewish crowd. Crap, I was hoping they'd had Adam Sandler or Bob Saget working some holidays and were ready to dump either or both of those yutz-balls!
Oy, no such luck.
It was on Craig's List where I saw it: the good people of Punxsutawney PA were looking for an image upgrade. They were tired of Bill Murray beating the pants in popularity out of their mangy little rodent each and every February 2. Frankly, I was afraid I'd bombed the interview when I couldn't answer where I saw myself hibernating five years from now, but folks ... Central PA, here I come!
And here I am! And it's a great setup I've got now in my own cave with Internet, Cable with both Lifetime and Hallmark Channels fully blocked --- thank you, Punxutawney Town Fathers! --- and full wet bar. And now, it is February 2, 2013, and I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille-ions of viewers!!!
"Hello, Punxsutawney! Good Morning, America! Hi, George Stephanopoulos! Hey there, Lara Spencer!
(What? No drum roll? I requested Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my great privilege and time-honored duty to inform you that ... OMG! Goshdarnit!
I'm afraid I do see my shadow.
(And it is one cute cherubic shadow, too!)
Sorry, folks, it's gonna to be six more long weeks o' Winter! With lots of snow, ice, and temperatures low enough to freeze the tootsies off Helios himself! But, never fear, boys and girls, moms and dads, brothers and sisters, because ....
You're not going to mind a bit. In fact, whatever the weather, from now on,
You're just gonna LOVE it!
Best job I've ever had. Come visit me; the cave is even heated!"
Note: Valentine's Day was good and bummed at Cupid's quick departure and had to find itself a replacement exceptionally fast. I wouldn't expect too many people falling passionately in love this February 14. Except if they're furry and four-legged.